// A letter to C.
| 10/28/2002 - 8:26 p.m. |

Dear C.,

It's been quite a while now since I've heard from you. A bit worried and hope everything is ok. Sent you a test email message this morning, just for the hell of it, but I expect it will get bounced back. Enclosing a few pictures--I don't think I had ever sent you any from graduation (tho considering my memory these days I very well could have) and I just got a couple of rolls of film developed, which included pics from as far back as my Mexico spring break (oops!), which is what reminded me of that. Couldn't find any decent ones of just me, so picked one of me with my uncle j. The other one is from just last week. Went to MWs with my mom while she was visiting. Like my hair? Everytime I get it cut, I get more chopped off, heheh. Also, I think I look reasonably healthy physically here, so I wanted to share it with you...

So my mom was here for 5 days, from the 18th-23rd. And she actually didn't drive me too crazy. We went to a small anti-war protest and she was pretty into it. It did feel good to finally get off my ass and take some action (I didn't however make it to the big march in ** this past weekend. :-() Other than that and MWs tho, we didn't do anything else particularly interesting. She helped me get practical stuff done (errands, cleaning, haircut, etc.) and we just sorta hung out. She cooked some while she was here and then we usually had one meal a day out. I still didn't really gain anything tho, but not for lack of "trying," heh. Always got desert when we ate out, supposedly to share, but she generally only eats a few bites, so I end up eating about 75% of it. I was on a cheesecake kick too--had it at like 3 or 4 different places--yummmm!

I'm trying to start journaling on a regular basis again as I've been doing so only sporadically. Like everything else, just the idea of sitting down and just writing has usually felt overwhelming. But I've found that if I just bring my journal out with me when I smoke, I can manage it for those 5 or so minute intervals. (Generally how I write my letters to you as well.) Of course, sometimes I'm just writing sort of irrelevant chatter and irregardless this method makes it hard to get too deeply into anything, but I figure at least its something, a place to start...

And thats about it. My mental/emotional state remains hellishly unimproved. At the moment I'm not feeling so hot physically either--not sure if I have a sinus infection or just a cold or what. Thinking about you, missing you, worrying about you, afraid you hate me, etc.--ya know, the usual...Just now remembering my motivation for writing this letter in the first place (duh)--Halloween of course. AKA Tweety's 5th bday :-) (heheh) and my "recovery" anniversary. Put in quotes cuz I dunno if I still have the right to say it. Although I honestly don't feel like I relapsed cuz I didn't have the ED mindset. Besides which I frankly feel like who gives a fuck if I've been in recovery for 5 years as its not doing me much good right now. I'd take an ED any day over this breathing hell. But anyways...

Think I'm done for real this time. Please be in touch soon?!

Hugs--
M.