// un-avoiding
| 05/12/2004 - 10:28 p.m. |

(sending by both email and pm, don't know what you're checking these days)


dear s.,

i feel like i start way too many emails/convos like this.
but its no less the truth:
i'm really really sorry and its so not about you.
i.e., i haven't been avoiding responding because i've been trying to avoid you.
no, as is so typical, i've been avoiding MYSELF.
and those things called feelings that i'm so damn phobic of.

because yes, i was initially very hurt and angry and frustrated.
but as such things generally do, the intensity cooled off after a few days.
but as 'addressing' the whole thing will inevitably stir it all up again, to at least some extent--
well i did what i do, as you are well familiar with.

please know there is no way in the world i want to lose you either.


soooo, back to the original 'incident'...
i had several simultaneous reactions:

1) "3 best friends"--yeah, that felt like a stab in my heart and gut both.
and frankly, whether it was or not, i perceive/d it as intentional:
i mean it may well be true, in which case it would be hardly fair of me to be 'offended'--
but i was.
and its really not conceivable to me that you wouldn't know exactly how it would make me feel.
esp. it being, for all intents and purposes, an essentially public statement.
regardless of the reality, it would have been plenty sufficient it seems to say "3 of my best friends" or "3 really good friends"
or whatever.

2) definitely angered and hurt having to find out about it just like the rest of the masses.
now, i do take some responsibility for that--
having not picked up the phone nor returned several voice mails.
at the same time, i have no idea why you would be using the phone as the primary/sole means of attempting to contact me??
its not like you don't KNOW my issues w/the phone.
i have to wonder then if you actually really wanted to talk to me??
b/c email or PM would obviously be the more effective means.
and i have no idea what "tried to write you" means??

3)the news of your moving itself...
no, not exactly surprising.
perhaps only that you'd lasted so long w/o fleeing?
plus you had mentioned it before, that day we got your car.
at that time, i wasn't quite sure if it was just talk or well, not.
i figured it was a 50/50 chance + i guess i didn't give it much thought after that.
but on some level i always knew it was highly improbable that you would really 'settle' here.
b/c i know you.
b/c you're always on the run from/to somewhere.
and if i sound frustrated--
yeah, i am.

although, i must admit that i wrote up my own list of 'suggestions' as to where you might move
w/ reasons that were, um, less than kind.
and well, it did help get some of the anger + frustration out of my system.


problem w/ that however is it left more room for the underlying sadness to surface.
sadness that i've wasted so much damn time that i could have spent w/ you.
these rare circumstances and i didn't take advantage.
and of course in doing so, i've been anything but the kind of friend you deserve.


its now been 2 days since i started writing this.
so its definitely about time i wrapped it up.

i realize some of what i've said may sound pretty harsh.
all i can say is, feelings are feelings.
can't change 'em.
only try to accept them and consider to what extent they are an accurate reflection of reality.

ummm, obviously i'm interested in hearing what's going on w/ you.
including where things stand w/ the move.

also, don't think i've forgotten a certain bday in 3 days...

up to you of course if you wanna do anything avec moi.

k, ending now. really.
much love,
m.