// New "TF" ring
| 01/25/2003 - 3:56 p.m. |

For all those 'nesters formally known as TFers'...
*wink*
...whatever we may call ourselves, wherever we may land.

I've set up a new diaryland ring for us. Because another means of staying in touch, being able to contact people, seems particularly important in this time of uncertainty. Please go here to be added:
http://members.diaryland.com/edit/rings.phtml?ring=unquietbirds

Also, so I/we can keep track of who's who, if you could post on the ATF thread at the new TF or send me a PM there before/after doing so (especially if your diaryland name is different than your TF/DN/TF name), I'd much appreciate it.

Thanks

// figures
| 01/23/2003 - 10:49 p.m. |

Arrrggggggghhhhhhh. I just spent at least 1/2 hr working on an entry and then, I have no fucking idea how, managed to erase it. Beautiful, fucking beautiful. Forget it.

// starve
| 01/20/2003 - 3:39 p.m. |

Fuck it all. Not even trying to figure anything out this time. Just stating that I am sick of it. Sick of being alive. Sick of wanting. Sick of the impossibility of having it, of having anything. Sick of breathing, feeling, thinking, needing, hurting. Hurting, hurting, hurting, hurting. Thats all there is and I WANT OUT. And thats the one thing I want that just maybe I can have. I can check out. I can starve. Starve, starve, starve, starve. I'm chanting it, yes I am. And fuck how mind-numbingly hungry I am. How fucking human it is. The hunger for food and love/touch/comfort/safety both. May death overcome it all. 'Hunger hurts but starving works when' it sucks too much to exist...Fucking hell, words cannot express at this moment how much I abhor myself, this life, this world, this worthless disgusting needy body, everything, everything, everyfuckingthing that I am. I despise to infinite depths the weakness, the all-encompassing lack of worth and character so unavoidably displayed with every word I write, every thought I have, every move and action I make, and even moreso all of the above that I don't. Starve, starve, starve, starve, starve...

// hell if i know (emails to/from/to d.)
| 01/17/2003 - 11:24 p.m. |

I ran out and wanted to keep on running. Instead, I made myself sit down and write, try to figure out whats in all that empty space. Everytime that memory gets triggered and in turn triggers the reaction in me it does (today was maybe the 3rd or 4th time I've allowed myself to recall and speak of it and its been this deja vu scene each time), either something external keeps me from delving any further or I block myself from doing so. I came home, still shaking, started typing, trying to make some sense of it, of my freaking out, before the numbness overtook me again. All I did was babble though. And now I'm back to not feeling much of anything. For the hell of it, copied my rambling below. Can't think of anything else to say, so I'm gonna stop staring absent-mindly at the screen now and hit send...
--M.

*insert 'can't get a grip' entry*

----------

M,
I find I have begun this email several times and each time it isn't right. Words are a problem sometimes. I guess I will just take a stab at something and we can talk about it more fully in person. I don't know why it happens that you hit such a blank wall and become so afraid of the blankness when you have this memory, but I think what you did write me is quite important and eloquent. It captures so much of your experience and feeling and you so rarely let me see that. Of course you want to be held in a loving way -- because you need to be. You needed it as a kid and you need it now, and I think that your effort to dissociate from that deep, intense need is part of what makes you go blank. I think we need to keep making links for you so that so much does not have to be kept out of mind. Your poor body is the battle ground for all that isn't known or said or felt. To think that your father had his hands around your neck instead of holding you in a nurtur D.

----------

>I find I have begun this email several times and each time it isn't right. Words are a problem sometimes.
Hmm, yeah, I know the feeling, heh.

>To think that your father had his hands around your neck instead of holding you in a nurtur D.
Uh, guessing this was a remnant/unfinished thought from previous attempt...

>Your poor body is the battle ground for all that isn't known or said or felt.
*sigh* Guess my not eating anything for 24 hours and inability to sleep last night is case in point, huh(?)

Bah, been typing and erasing myself for a while now, but basically I'm still blank. Time to try and sleep again I think...

// can't get a grip
| 01/16/2003 - 5:30 p.m. |

Run, just run, far away. Wish I could fly. Or disappear into myself, fold into myself, and again and again and again, like paper into a tiny little square, until there is nothing left to fold. No, what I really want is arms to fold into, warm strong gentle loving arms to be wrapped around me, but there are none. Only his wrapped around my neck. Why? Why the fuck would that have happened? Why do I remember that and so little else? So little is what I want to be. To be held or to disappear? Can't decide. Why are both so impossible? Little like tweety. Wish her arms were long enough to wrap around like mine do her. Wish so many things, so many impossible things. Up against that wall, like those in my head. Is there something behind them or just more blankness, emptiness, lack. Lacking wings, lacking arms, lacking sanity, lacking love, lacking memory, lacking future, lacking words. I want to run or fly or disappear, but try to sit and write something, something that makes sense, that knocks through that fucking wall. But I can't go anywhere, get anywhere, just rinse, wash, repeat. Why do I return to this place, this empty space again? Grip. Trigger. Halt. Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing nothing. There is nothing, I am nothing, I can do nothing. Neither here nor there, just empty space.

// in flight
| 01/06/2003 - 10:43 a.m. |

1/5/03, 7:30pm EST
On the plane, back west. At least 2 1/2 hrs. still to go unfortunately. Found out shortly before I left that Uncle M. was in the hospital with chest pains (tests showed low potassium...) although he is stable. Oy...

So another block of time has passed, 3 weeks east, and still no change in me. I've been even moodier and more cranky as of late actually. This whole being alive thing seems seriously overrated frankly. Bah. Real nervous to see D. tomorrow. More than usual even, after all this email openness shit. And I'm still not 100% decided on the eating/weight issue. I was 1**.5 fucking pounds this morning. Goddamn 19 bmi exactly, i.e., a 'normal' weight. There just isn't evough of me internally to be carrying around so much external baggage. There is nothing inside really, it seems, save an endless amount of pain. How the hell else to I cope, survive, exist--not physically die--except to lose the flesh? Except, fuck, I'm feeling these guilt vibes coming from D. and C. both, that I have to give myself a chance and shit. But either way, I just feel like a worthless, hopeless thing. I hate life, I hate myself--for being so worthless, hopeless and hateful, among other things but especially so.

Just.want.to.die.

// re: ambivalent (as usual)--1/4
| 01/06/2003 - 10:40 a.m. |

M.,
I'm rooting for the choice that gives you some chance at having your life get better. Guess which one that is? I agree with C. -- it isn't easy, but you can climb out of this hole and it can get better and your life can have more meaning. I've seen it happen to others, I've seen you make a start at it, and I do believe it can happen if you can hang in there and don't self-destruct.

I'll see you on Monday.
D.

// email to d.: ambivalent (as usual)
| 01/03/2003 - 7:35 p.m. |

Hi...

>>I didn't write back right away because I didn't totally understand your email, and I wanted to take some time and reread and think about it. I'm still not sure I understand about the link to your online journal and if you want me to have it or not,

Um, yeah, sorry about that. I was confusing myself even, heh. But uh, in the end I took out the link because well, it was an impulsive thing to give it in the first place, and the more I thought about it, the less comfortable I became. The idea is now in my head and bouncing around though, heh, so I don't know, I could always change my mind (again).

>>I certainly agree with your insight that even if your choices around restricting and so forth are conscious at this point, the cycle takes on a viscous life of its own. We should keep talking about how to help you find another way to deal with what all is going on with you.

Yeah...I have a decision to make I guess in the next couple days about which way I'm going to go upon my return. Continue with the relatively normal pattern of my past 3 weeks on the east coast...or go back to restricting, etc.? Of course, I know what choice I 'should' make. But the ever-present i-just-want-to-die feeling makes the latter much more appealing...

*sigh*--
M.

// re: flip...flop...repeat
| 01/03/2003 - 7:28 p.m. |

Hi M.,
I didn't write back right away because I didn't totally understand your email, and I wanted to take some time and reread and think about it. I'm still not sure I understand about the link to your online journal and if you want me to have it or not, but I do understand about the conversation with C. and your thoughts about all that.

It is helpful to me to know more about your thoughts and feelings in general -- and I am interested in hearing/reading whatever you want to share with me. I think it could really help us in this work, and perhaps help you to feel more connected to me. (*'Editor's' note: Scary thought...)

I certainly agree with your insight that even if your choices around restricting and so forth are conscious at this point, the cycle takes on a viscous life of its own. We should keep talking about how to help you find another way to deal with what all is going on with you.

Take care,
D.

// flip...flop...repeat (a psycho email to d.)
| 01/02/2003 - 12:17 p.m. |

I wrote an email to you several hours ago, which I have since sent, unsent, sent a ridiculous # of times. I've now copied it below, minus the pertinent piece of info (the actual link, what in the hell was i thinking anyway?!?!). And below *that* is the journal entry that started me on this stupid obsessive cycle. Now why I can't/don't just write a normal fucking email, and copy and paste some other thing of relevance if I feel so inclined, without being all melodramatic and confusing about it...ugh, it'll be good to get back home where I can use my normal email and not have this aohell unsend feature fucking with my head in the first place...

----------

Hi,
Happy New Years to you :-) Never been a fan of the hoopla, for this holiday especially, but I'm trying to remember that at least the book has now been closed on 2002. Anyways, drove down to CM with my mom yesterday (she left to go back a little while ago, I'm staying for a few more days) Didn't really do anything special last night, and my uncle, aunt, and I (in that order) all checked out before midnight.

I've been feeling *especially* foggy, difficulty thinking clearly or concentrating and stuff, for the past few days. Just in the past couple hours I've been feeling a bit less zombie-like, so I'm trying to take advantage and write a bit. I've also been feeling not-so-comfortable with my last email to you. Like the warm-and-fuzzy details were really not necessary. *roll*

And yet...

I just wrote some more about the visit with c. in my online journal. Once again, I'm not altogether sure where this is coming from, but I'm gonna give you the link if you care/have time to read. If not, that *really* is fine. But um, an fyi that a lot of my recent entries are emails from these last few weeks. Oh, and there are links there to, well, pretty much the rest of my (online) life...Fuck, I never have known what to make of this exhibitionist streak of mine...

Contradictorily,
M.

----------

insert 'snippets from visit with c.' entry

// snippets from visit with c.
| 01/01/2003 - 3:48 p.m. |

...in whatever order i remember, trying to de-fog that 1.5 hrs...

talking about 'taking care of myself.' i actually was doing so to a reasonable extent for a good while, a few years.
--c: i don't know if it was only to please me?...
--me: hmmm, no...i think i may have sort of put it on you for a while, until i was able to take responsibility for it, accept that it was OK to take care of myself FOR myself...does that make sense?
--c: *nods her head*

we talked a lot about how i feel like the e.d. stuff at this point is very much a *conscious* choice on my part. my reluctance to actually call it an eating disorder, a relapse, etc.
--c: ...because i know the naming of things matters to you...
--me: ...yeah, it does...i haven't found a good term for it yet, heh...
--c: *smiles and rolls her eyes*

but i also acknowledged that the longer i engage in the 'behavior' the more danger i am in of just saying fuck it and allowing the 'mindset' to completely take over. and either way, i'm still screwing myself over. at some point in discussing the choice factor,
--me: so. do you believe me or do you think i'm totally bullshitting?
she said something to the effect that she actually felt some relief that i wasn't in the kind of denial she had sensed i was from my emails...

...that, i guess because i am sort of selective (and a bit random) in what i write, she's not always sure if i'm being totally straight with her or not, or if maybe i'm not being straight with myself, or what.
--me: *looking her right in the eyes* I am never purposely not straight with you.
--c: *nods* (she knows this dammit, )
--me: and i don't really think i lie to myself either. its just hard to think about...(i fumble for words for a few seconds, give up, stare off for a few seconds, come back.)

c. was telling me that she knows i am capable of getting better, she has seen me crawl out of such holes before. i try to listen, to believe her, but it seems to me i have never before been this far down. she wonders if maybe i had an advantage that first time around, my anger and rage at my father, so right there and bubbling over, to motivate and make me determined that i would not let him ruin my life. hmmm...

random note: i brought my new digital camera, and finally got a picture of cathy. woohoo! although i gotta say, beautiful as i've always thought she is, not very photogenic, heheh.

...will try and add to this entry later...

// buh-bye
| 12/31/2002 - 11:13 p.m. |

i always hate the new years hoopla, and i'm currently too damn confused (and apathetic) to make any "resolutions", but i will say: good fucking riddance to 2002. it was one seriously sucking lemon of a year.

// The Tweety Mix
| 12/30/2002 - 10:59 p.m. |

The mix I made for C...

32 flavors - Ani DiFranco
All About Soul - Billy Joel
A Mistake - Fiona Apple
Bridge Over Troubled Water - Simon & Garfunkel
Come Undone - Duran Duran
Don't Give Up - Peter Gabriel & Kate Bush
Help! - The Beatles
How Do You Talk to an Angel - Jamie Walters
Ice Cream - Sarah McLachlan
I Want a Mom that Will Last Forever - Cyndi Lauper
Personal Jesus - Depeche Mode
Stand By Me - Ben E. King
Thank U - Alanis Morissette
These Are Days - 10,000 Maniacs
This Time - INXS
Where the Streets Have No Name - U2
Wind Beneath My Wings - Bette Midler

// seeing c.
| 12/30/2002 - 9:02 p.m. |

Hi M.,
Well, good that christmas was OK. I hope your visit with C. goes well. It sounds like it is very painful to leave her each time you see her -- which makes sense of course, but I didn't quite get how tough it is for you. Do you have a plan for the post-visit time to make it any easier? Let me know how it went. You're on my mind -
D.

----------

Hi D.,
So, no last minute crises, sicknesses, change of plans (amazingly, heh), I did see C. today. Visited her at work, which is quite literally, in cow country. I mean there is nothing for miles and miles except dairy farms...and churches. Anyways, it was of course very good to see her. Gave her a cd I burned of a bunch of songs that make me think of her, the majority of them *quite* cheesy, lol. Would be much better though if one day I were functioning like a normal adult *roll* and we could have a nice chatty visit instead of the same old conversation about the same old shit. *sigh...*

At least I got a greeting other than 'you look like hell.' It was actually probably a 1/2 hour before she asked how I'd been eating the last few weeks.
--Me: "Can't you tell?!?" as I look down and gesture at my body (and tho I did consider going with my typical baggy shapeless look, I was actually wearing rather tight fitted clothes)
--C: "Well, you do look better, much better, than the last time I saw you, but you still look awfully thin to me."
--Me: major eye rolling, ranting about 10lbs in 10 days and triple digits
--C: comments that I never really was at a "normal" weight even prior to the past year
--Me: indignantly set her straight that I WAS TOO, reminding her of my height (or lack thereof), and outlining the exact bmi criteria for normal, underweight , and anorexic. *hmph*
--...and so on...lol.

So, saying goodbye...It was always hard, hugging her goodbye and having to let go, even back when I knew I was going to see her again in just a few days. But I was much better today--during, at the end, after--than the last visit, in June. I mean it still sucked, but there wasn't the same level of like wrenching pain that has been triggered in the past. I didn't even cry much/that hard and only towards the end, heh. When I left, I just got in the car and started the drive back--driving calms (numbs?) me like nothing else...

Tired--
M.

// cranky update
| 12/28/2002 - 10:52 p.m. |

M.,
I'm glad the email made some sense.
Merry Christmas.
D.

----------

Hi there,
So xmas was pretty ok. Reasonably calm and nice. Since, I've just been exhausted and moody and blahblahblah. Went downtown for a while yesterday with my mom and brother, but otherwise have pretty much been in bed with my laptop. Tomorrow is the post-xmas C. family get-together, which I am going to and dreading it. Then, Monday, I am 90% sure I am going to see c., which of course I am looking forward to, but am also hella nervous about. I swear if she tells me I still look like shit, after gaining 10 lbs in as many days (grrrr), I will know for sure that she is delusional. *roll* And leaving will suck and feel like my heart is being ripped out for the umpteenth time. *Sigh* Damn, I'm in an especially pissy mood.
'Tis all for now--
M.

// *shrug*
| 12/24/2002 - 6:41 p.m. |

Hi...

>I can't tell if the cutting "helped" this time, you just sound miserable.

At the time, I didn't feel like it did anything. I never do get any kind of "rush" or "release" that I've heard people speak of. But since then, well, I guess I have felt less 'angsty' than I did in the moment, and certainly number, which I like to pretend equates with feeling "better."

>You sound as if you need to be soothed and can't find any other way to get that. I think maybe the "soft" body feeling makes you anxious because there's an unboundedness to it that isn't really about being fat, but about being un-contained, not "held" in the way you need to be. I don't know how much sense this make to you -- email therapy isn't really my forte

Eh, you're doing just fine, heh. And it makes a lot of sense, too much even (if THAT makes any sense), made me cry a little bit, which even though I was alone in this case, embarrassed me. Blah...Many thoughts, few words to comfortably express them...

Oh well, at least I get presents tonight and tomorrow, lol. The holidays are good for *something* anyways, heh.

Um, happy holidays?--
M.

// re: um, a rambling journal entry
| 12/24/2002 - 4:50 p.m. |

Wow. I haven't replied yet, don't know how to really, but (because?) d.'s response was really touching, esp. the last section which I bolded. It's actually a little scary how much sense it makes, me and my nurturing/affection/mother-type issues, being how I've been so set on keeping all that *separate* from my "relationship" with her...*sigh*
----------
M.,
I just got your email and I wanted to reply at least partially, though this is a moment when I feel that talking would be more helpful. I mostly wanted to respond to the feelings that come through loud and clear -- the pain, rage and despair that are so clearly expressed and difficult to tolerate and be with, especially alone. I can imagine several reasons why you found yourself cutting again -- though of course I don't know what all is going on for you right now. I think being home, it being the anniversary of getting so depressed, the holidays, being away from therapy, etc., all must contribute. I think the physical body sensations are something we need to talk much more about -- your body is speaking and we both need to listen very carefully. I can't tell if the cutting "helped" this time, you just sound miserable. You sound as if you need to be soothed and can't find any other way to get that. I think maybe the "soft" body feeling makes you anxious because there's an unboundedness to it that isn't really about being fat, but about being un-contained, not "held" in the way you need to be. I don't know how much sense this make to you -- email therapy isn't really my forte -- but take this as some thoughts I'm having -- and we can talk more later. I'm sorry you are in so much pain.
D.

// fuck me.
| 12/23/2002 - 2:16 a.m. |

I just sent this email to d. titled: 'um, a rambling journal entry'.

I just wrote this and then decided, oh well, I'm awake, might as well get back online for a bit, and then for reasons I'm not sure of, decided to cut and paste it into an email to you. I anticipate that I will quickly regret it as 1-its like a page long run-on sentence and even moreso i think, 2-why am i suddenly so damn talkative and sending you all these friggin emails like, like...well, like nothing, nevermind...and just a min. later I am again feeling the familiar thoughts-stuck-in-my-head/words-in-my-throat, but it will probably be a small comfort if I send this incoherent thing...Ack, sorry...

12-23-02, 12:41am I just recarved the word �FAT� into my upper left thigh. Why? Fuck if I know. Hadn�t cut in at least 3 months probably. I got in bed maybe an hour ago. I was/am tired, but as soon as I lay down I felt equally antsy. Uncomfortable, not in any definable, concrete way, just uncomfortable in my own skin, in my body, in this body that I try so hard to keep separate from (and usually succeed). Feeling �fat.� Meaning in the physical sense that yes, I know I�m far from fat, but still I feel expanded and soft, and legitimately so. I actually didn�t bring my scale to CM, so I dunno how much further the number jumped in the last 2 days, but I have packed back on a significant amount of weight in just one week. And I�m always �soft.� Any muscle I once had is an ancient memory. But really I mean, who fucking cares right? Why do those physical sensations make me so nuts? Ok, fine, why does my nuttiness express itself in such an annoying fashion? In the ridiculous dialogue in my mind between the nasty-ed-bitch and the love-your-body whore. Won�t both of you shut the fuck up already? Cuz at this moment, they both make me feel like a stupid freakish failure. So I�m in bed, feeling just icky, and then I�m thinking �bout 1 east-coast week down, 2 to go. And as usual, whenever I think about the fact that any block of time has passed, I think, �where in the hell did it go? What did I DO with all that time? Uhhh, shit, I have no idea. Oh wait, that�s right, I sat on my ass ignoring the fact that it was passing me right on by.� Different coast, same shit. Even today, I sat in the living room with my puter online nearly all day. I mean my aunt and uncle were around, in the same room a lot even, and I mean, I must have *talked* to them at various points, right? But obviously I wasn�t really paying attention, wasn�t �engaged� in what was going on around me, even if I was theoretically involved in it. This next week, I will have to summon the energy to be holidayish for several stretches of time, but it will no doubt exhaust me and I will otherwise be equally nonpresent. Then one more week and I�ll be back in Ca. And still feeling like hell. A year after the first time I returned from the holidays not at all rested or relaxed, and decided fucking around with my eating was a dandy way to cope, just until the depression lifted, cuz of course it was going to like any day. A year after sitting in this very bed in CM on New Years Eve and cutting for the first time in years. A year later, and not a single thing to fucking show for it but a bad attitude about the next one. And so I got up and took out my razor and got blood on the sheets. And then I typed this.

// more to/from d. (weird, eh?)
| 12/21/2002 - 10:45 p.m. |

>I, of course, am glad to hear that you are eating, but I know it isn't so easy for you.

Ah, eating is easy, heh. The part that is hard is, well, I can't even quite put my finger on it. Maybe just that it all feels the same, same old. Except that *not* eating actually gives me *something* to grab on to. Its not even necessarily 'the-one-thing-i-can-control-blah-blah-blah'. More liking eating is part of the status quo, the status quo sucks, and if I'm starving/losing weight, it still all sucks, but at least something holds my attention??? Eh, thats not it exactly either, but I don't know how else to explain...

>(Do yourself a New Year's favor and toss the damn scale!)

Lol. Now there's an idea, eh? I will think about it. Really I will. That's not an 'uh huh, sure, whatever' line in this case, heh. I know it, and the rest of this ed shit, has gotta go, and the sooner the better. I just...I just want some kind of guarantee I guess, like let go of the crap and know I'll get *myself* back in return finally. Seems like a fair trade doesn't it? Ugh, if only it worked that way...

Anyways. I spent about 3 hours today searching for a Penn St. knit hat for my uncle, which wouldn't seem like it would be so difficult to find, but finally I gave up and bought him some cigars, heh. I'm going there (to my aunt and uncle's in CM) tomorrow. As I am without car (except for whatever day, probably during my last week here, that I borrow my mom's to drive out to bumblefuck and visit C.) during this stay, I have a 3 hour bus ride to look forward to, oh.yay. But it will be good to spend the next few days with them and we'll have a quiet xmas eve before coming to ** xmas day for that madness...

Happy weekend--
M.

----------

M.,
I can really see how the restricting, starving and all does give you something to hold onto and can definitely be a way out of the "same old." It even sort of works for a while, doesn't it? The shame of it is that then it becomes its own "same old" because then you are in a battle with everyone around you about your health and weight, etc. That seems like a "same old" pattern also. As you so well know, there aren't any guarantees about giving up the ED stuff and getting yourself back, but I'd hazard the odds are better that your life will get better if you give it up than if you don't. I fully understand that it is no small thing to give up as it can define you and give you focus in a multitude of ways. I just want something better for you and I do believe you can get there --

Anyway, I hope you have a good time with your Aunt and Uncle over the weekend. Keep in touch-
D.

// morning whines
| 12/20/2002 - 10:02 a.m. |

I woke up too early.
I gained another fucking pound.
Its warmed up, but now its raining.
I have to respond to email (and 2 voice mails, oops) from a. (my practicum supervisor) and i don't wanna.
I have to write an email to dr.n and I don't know what to say/don't wanna.
I wanna go back to sleep.
wah, wah, wah

// re: little things
| 12/19/2002 - 10:36 p.m. |

s. said last night that d. sounded "cute" in her email and I was thinking 'ummm, cute is not a word i would use to describe d'...but i dunno, her scale comment here did crack me up...

M.,
I got your last email and I wanted to acknowledge your taking a big step in trying to be more open about your weight. I agree that there is much more in the symbolism than the concrete number, but I think it is a big deal that you took the risk to let me know. I, of course, am glad to hear that you are eating, but I know it isn't so easy for you. (Do yourself a New Year's favor and toss the damn scale!) It does seem easier for you to write to me than talk to me, so let's take advantage of the opportunity. I am also glad to hear you are getting out a little. It would be good if you could try to keep doing that. I'm keeping you in mind.
D.

// email to d.: little things
| 12/19/2002 - 12:43 a.m. |

Hi D.,

So yesterday was the anniversary of John's death. And I had forgotten somehow that his birthday was just the day before. My aunt is getting on admirably I think, but of course that's not to say she isn't having a hard time. And *she* feels like she "supposed" be doing "better" I think. Says she's ok when she is at work and it's busy and no time to really think about things, but bemoans how unmotivated she feels when she comes home. Worrying about all the holiday shit (cookies and decorating and wrapping presents) that she doesn't feel like doing, stuff that *to me* seems completely irrelevant anyway, but in addition to the "should" factor, does apparently matter to her. *shrug* Regardless, there is definitely an atmosphere of sadness in this house. Like the air around me is even heavier than usual, even more difficult to move and think in...or something...

Slept until nearly 3 this afternoon again. 'Adjusting to the time difference' is my official excuse, but damn. Yesterday, I got up around noon, but I think that was only because my mom called. But I did go out with her and my brother, to the mall for a while, and then we picked my aunt up at work and went out to dinner...

Speaking of food...ugh. I know I've only done this to myself--don't really eat for 2 months, then suddenly go 'ok, i can eat now', its not really any wonder I'm eating like someone who, well, hasn't for 2 months. *eye roll* And I've got a 5 lb gain in 3 days to show for it. Blah...And I hate that I even care at all. On one hand I'm actually *not* freaking out all that much, yet I still feel the need to vent about it. And the scale #s do annoy....

Oh, about the all-(not-that)-mysterious #. I've been hung up on you not knowing it, not exactly anyway. As if its this big secret or something. I think at least partly its because in the past it WAS a secret, one I intentionally kept *from myself*. C. used to weigh me pretty regularly, and for a good 3 years, I chose to get on the scale backwards and she wasn't "allowed" to tell me my weight. Of course if I lost any significant amount, I surely heard about it, heh, but no #s. Clearly, there was a lot of symbolism in this whole set-up--beyond the obvious fact that weight in general was (still is i guess? grrrr) laden with a lot of meaning--particularly in terms of how much I trusted her. So yeah, thats basically the background of my having this 'thing' about you not knowing. But even now, its not even about whether I do or don't/can or can't trust you, its just a petty little example of me refusing to really even try. Except, in truth, (*deep breath*, heh) I do actually want to...*gasp* lol...So, anyways, f.y.i.--today **.5, most recent low was **, low during the past year was ** i think.

Um, ok, I think I might have had more of a point, but I seem to have lost track of it, and I have to send this now before I erase it, heh...

Take care,
M.

// 1st email to/from d. (12/16): random...
| 12/18/2002 - 1:28 a.m. |

Trying to start this simple email to you and I suddenly feel the same sort of anxiety and difficulty 'speaking' as I do in person. Don't really know what to make of it...

Anyways, so I made it here without incident. Then slept until 3:15 this afternoon, oops. Have eaten nothing but cookies, lots of burnt homemade butterscotch cookies, since I arrived last night. Yikes?! Oh, and it is way too fucking cold here. Otherwise, I'm fine tho, heh...

Um, thats actually all for now. I'm thinking that the next few weeks could be a good opportunity for me to sort of 'think out loud' to you about things that for whatever reason I otherwise have difficulty talking about. Right now though, as I said, I'm as nervous as ever (frustrating!). But I'm hoping that if I can just 'hit send' this first time, I'll feel a bit more at ease...

Take care,
M.

----------

M.,
I'm glad you're trying to connect and tell me what's on your mind. Maybe it will help you feel more comfortable? At the very least I think it will help to stay more in touch and watch what's happening for you.
Keep warm,
D.

// bahwahwah
| 12/12/2002 - 1:41 p.m. |

Copy of email to c. about appt. no-go #2. Ugh.

Hmm, well, so shrink left me a phone message around 10 pm last night. (It is uncanny considering how much time I spend in my room, how many of the few phone calls I actually get come when I am outside smoking!) Said that as the only change thus far was stopping the wellbutrin, it didn't seem necessary for me to deal with the hassle of coming in, and he would just give me a call this morning to check in or whatever. Which he did. But, grrrr, I am feeling impatient. He wants to be in touch over email or whatever while I am 'home', so hopefully I am not going to have to wait until I get back in Jan. to have any med changes implemented, but I want/ed action NOW. I wanted the whole 3 weeks time for some new drugs to start *working* and be feeling some positive effects by the time I got back to CA. Realistic wish or not? but thats what I was nonetheless hoping for. Instead, I kind of feel like he's holding my nutritional status/caloric intake over my head. 'You really need to be eating at least 1500 calories.' Bahwahwah. Again, I know this. And it happens that I fully anticipate that I will be eating plenty and 'normally' once I am on the east coast. But it irks me anyway. Did someone say thickheaded?! heheh.

// shrink 12/9
| 12/10/2002 - 12:36 p.m. |

So I got up and left on time, allowing for traffic. Or so I thought. Until it took me 45 minutes just to get to the goddamn bridge, which is like maybe 5 miles from my house. Grrrr. I was a 1/2 hour late. Talked to the guy, Dr. N., for all of about 10 minutes. Ugh. At least I was able to get another appt for Thurs. All he had to say yesterday was:

1.) Stop taking the wellbutrin immediately.--I *knew* I wasn't supposed to be taking that stuff. I mean its on the damn tv commercial, "do not take if you have a history of a seizure or eating disorder." I questioned Dr. H. when she put me on it, and she said 'oh, its only a risk if you're heavily bulimic and purging a lot.' Dumbass.

2.)'Well, we can talk about meds but if you're not getting proper nutrition...blah, blah, blah'--Yes, I know I need to eat. Duh. (I've also been in a whole range of nutritional states in the last year, and the depression has been equally bad through all of them.) When I go back on Thurs, I need action on the med front, NOT a fucking lecture on my eating habits.

He seemed nice and competent enough I guess. I'm just so frustrated that every little thing is such an fucking *ordeal*.

// shades
| 12/07/2002 - 8:40 p.m. |

Slightly less angsty now. Forums and chat calming me a bit. But damn its sad how "better" still sucks so much for me these days (/weeks/months). Blah.

So I actually left D. a voice mail yesterday. Nearly 11 months I've been seeing her and that was the first time I've ever called her (other than to reschedule an appt. maybe?). Of course, I 'just wanted to let her know' about the shrink appt. and mentioned talking to c. Didn't ask her to call me back or say I wanted to talk or anything. That'll probably take me another year.

// back up in my head
| 12/07/2002 - 6:37 p.m. |

Feeling particularly low, anxious, lonely, etc. at this particular moment. That I've been forgetting to take my meds regularly likely isn't helping. As ineffective as they have been at *lifting* my mood any, I feel even *worse* (how that is even possible I don't know) when I don't pop the pills consistently. Conversation with s. earlier, though by no means her fault, triggered me as well. Why AM I such a loser and outcast anyway? Not to mention a 25yo spinster. Sure I can list 1001+ things I hate about myself, but I don't think I'm actually a bad person...Am I???...

// hmmm...
| 12/05/2002 - 10:24 p.m. |

Woohoo! New psychiatrist finally returned my call. And I have an appt set up for *before* my 3-week trip back east for the holidays. Could things maybe possibly be finally moving in the right direction???

// warm and fuzzy...now
| 12/05/2002 - 7:24 p.m. |

Oh my godddess. I just got off the phone with C.!!! Talked to her for over an hour. Oh how I love her. So, so, so much. First off, she sent me a letter a while ago, THAT I NEVER GOT. But she DID write me. AND her email WAS screwed up for a while, but I also had the WRONG address. Which totally fucking sucks, but the point is that she HASN'T been ignoring me for 3 months. She was surprised that she hadn't been hearing from ME, and then of course was rather confused by my last letter ("Why the hell haven't I heard from you?!"). She was also disappointed that I hadn't felt like it was "ok" for me to call her all this time. Aaahhhhh, its all so typical of us, and WHEN am I gonna learn to stop playing this game with myself/with her in my head??? Oh, but right now, I don't care. Cuz I am once again reassured that she DOES love me, she DOES care about me, I DO matter to her, and she IS concerned about me. Wheeeeeee!...

Oy, so its been *quite* the roller coaster afternoon/evening. I came home from therapy *in a state.* IMed s., but I guess she was away from her puter at that particular minute, so I started writing a post in SS at TF. Only got this far:

"I want to die. Now. Right now. Right.this.fucking.minute. If there was any higher being, they would have mercy on me and just let me die. There is no reason on earth I shouldn't. There is no fucking purpose to my life any more."

Then s., bless her incredibly wise persistent soul!, came back, and a--somehow helped me calm down a bit (i was bawling my eyes out for at least the first half of this convo) and b--convinced, cajoled, harassed me into calling c. Eh, just gonna copy and paste most of it here...

[17:08] s: hey

[17:08] s: i'm about to go out actually

[17:08] me: oh

[17:08] s: how was therapy?

[17:09] me: i want to die. thats how therapy was

[17:09] s: oh gosh

[17:09] s: i don't have to go out now

[17:09] me: no, go

[17:09] s: i mean, i was only going to the gym, so i can go later

[17:09] s: id rather talk to you

[17:10] s: and i don't even need to go..i've already worked out

[17:10] me: fuck.fuck.fuck. i can't take this any more

[17:10] s: what's going on?

[17:10] s: talk to me

[17:11] me: everything just hurts too fucking much.

[17:11] s: oh m...

[17:11] s: i know it hurts

[17:11] s: and i hate that you are hurting

[17:11] s: will you just vent to me?

[17:12] s: cause i know there is nothing i can really say

[17:12] s: and im sure you feel like there is 'nothing new', but maybe just to bitch? i dunno..

[17:13] me: ugh, i don't know. sometimes i actually feel like i'm getting somewhere with d., that maybe just maybe i might even be able to let myself feel connected.

[17:13] s: and then?

[17:13] me: today she was just irking me tho. and i felt so fucking alone.

[17:13] me: and she brought up c. again.

[17:14] s: oh?

[17:14] me: and i just can't go there, i can't go near how much it fucking hurts. i will drown. i will just fucking drown in it.

[17:14] s: ((((((m))))))))

[17:15] me: and she says, well you're going to have to. there is no way around it.

[17:15] s: :(

[17:15] me: but HOW, when c. is the only fucking life preserver i've ever had, how am i supposed to do that?

[17:17] s: m, could you call c? maybe now is a good time to call her?

[17:17] me: and then time was pretty much up. and i was huffily getting my stuff together, getting my fucking check to give her, and shes like 'you don't really have to be alone' or something like that, and i just shoved the fucking check in her hand and left

[17:18] me: c. fucking abandoned me. fuck her.

[17:19] s: c. loves you, you know that deep down..she gave you her home number for a reason, i think, too..

[17:19] me: i am all alone. thats the fucking fact. but it hurts too damn much. i just want it to end.

[17:20] s: have you told c. you feel she has abandoned you?

[17:20] me: she has funny fucking way of showing it.

[17:20] me: she's not talking to me. how the fuck can i tell her anything?

[17:21] s: call her up and bitch her out

[17:21] s: if she's already 'abandoned you', you have nothing to lose

[17:21] s: right?

[17:21] me: i can't

[17:21] s: why not?

[17:23] me: because obviously i don't mean shit to her. so who the hell am i to go bothering her when she has made that perfectly clear.

[17:23] s: maybe you really just need to 'have it out' with her, to see what the fuck is going on...or why don't you try writing her a letter you don't necessarily have to send?

[17:24] s: if she doesn't care about you she can easily hang up

[17:25] me: thats what i am so fucking afraid of. to get confirmation of that...it literally WOULD kill me.

[17:26] s: well, isn't that what you are wanting to do now anyway??

[17:27] me: fuck.

[17:27] s: maybe just telling her everything you have just told me, you will get confirmation that she DOES care for you and you can re-establish some sort of understanding of a relationship

[17:27] s: ?

[17:28] me: oh god, i miss her so much.

[17:29] s: i know you do, m...i can't even imagine

[17:29] s: and that's why i think you should call her..

[17:29] s: i think it has come to a breaking point, something has to be confronted

[17:31] me: i want to hear her voice right now more than anything, but i don' t know how to get past how unworthy i feel of calling her. not to mention that it scares the hell out of me

[17:32] s: m, there is no such thing as being 'worthy'...

[17:32] s: none of us are ever going to feel 'worthy enough'

[17:33] s: just don't even think about it--just pick up your phone and call

[17:33] s: it is the perfect time--8:30..after dinner

[17:33] s: but if you call

[17:33] me: her son is prob still up

[17:34] s: you have to bitch her out!

[17:34] s: so? i have spoken with j. when n. was around..

[17:35] s: what i'm trying to say there is: son being up=not valid excuse:-p

[17:36] me: i have a million others

[17:36] s: then just don't think about it

[17:36] s: and call her, m.

[17:36] s: you are going to have to do this sooner or later

[17:36] s: you might as well do it now

[17:36] s: im serious...i just have this gut feeling about this, actually

[17:39] me: i want to...i just don't think i can make myself do it

[17:39] s: um, what kind of threat do you want from me?

[17:40] s: stop thinking. just fucking do it

[17:40] me: none thanks :-P

[17:40] s: at this point, you have NOTHING to lose

[17:40] s: and you know i can beat you up pretty badly

[17:40] me: does that mean i've already lost my dignity and pride?

[17:40] s: so if you DON'T call

[17:41] s: i don't know if you have lost your dignity and pride m, but i don't think calling c. or not calling her is a matter of pride

[17:41] s: it is really just being stupid

[17:41] s: to not call

[17:42] s: and if you keep feeling this suicidally depressed, you are going to kill your pride/dignity anyway

[17:42] s: right?

[17:42] me: arrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh

[17:42] s: okay, and i'll be here to talk when you get off the phone if you want..

[17:44] me: i wouldn't even know what to say at this point. what if her husband answers. christ, what if her 10yo son answers??

[17:44] me: or 9 or whatever

[17:44] s: you say, "hi, is c. there?"

[17:44] s: he says, "may i ask who is calling"

[17:44] s: you say, "m."

[17:45] s: he says one of two things:

[17:45] s: 1) "yes, she is, hold on one sec and i'll go get her.."

[17:45] s: or 2) "she's not home, may i take a message and have her call you.."

[17:45] me: yikes

[17:45] s: and don't you DARE let #2 be your excuse not to call

[17:46] s: i don't think her hubby or son are going to want to 'chat it up' with you...no offense or anything! ;)

[17:46] s: so you don't have to prepare a dialogue TOO much

[17:47] me: brb, have to go to bathroom

[17:49] me: k

[17:50] s: okay, so no more questions..

[17:50] s: pick up the phone, k?

[17:51] me: i can't, not yet...

[17:51] s: ?

[17:52] me: i am too fucking terrified...but i'm also calmer then i was before, sooo

[17:53] s: and you have nothing to be afraid of, b/c you have nothing to lose...b/c at this moment you feel like you have already 'lost c.', and that is all you feel you have

[17:54] s: m, please call her. you can use me as a scapegoat, even

[17:54] s: tell her i threatened you

[17:54] me: hah. i am going to try and make myself, i really am. i just need to calm down some more.

[17:54] s: okay..

[17:55] s: you could also use a more elaborate approach and tell her that i told you if you didn't call i would kill not you, but MYself, b/c that is more 'up with the times' now, anyway, right?!

[17:55] s: ;-)

[17:56] me: :-P

[17:56] s: okay, why don't you go have a smoke or something?? would that help?

[17:57] me: yeah i'm gonna in a minute or two

[17:57] s: k

[17:57] s: is there anything i can do to help????

[17:57] s: shit, you got me so flustered, i just put my underwear in the wrong side of the drawer! bitch!

[17:58] s: where the socks are supposed to go!

[17:58] me: no...thanks for listening...

[17:58] me: heh

[17:58] s: :-p

[17:58] s: well, im just here cleaning my room, so you can keep iming me if you want..

[17:58] me: k

*insert random chatting*

[18:06] me: ok, i'm gonna go to the bathroom (again! i'm hella nervous), and then go out to smoke...and take my phone with me, YIKES!

and so I did...

eh, more on the acutal convo with c. perhaps when i've gotten a chance to process it. right now just enjoying that warm and fuzzy feel :-)

// disconcerting phenomena
| 12/04/2002 - 6:38 p.m. |

Been slacking on the pen+paper journaling (which I had then been copying here), so I'm going to try doing it online first. Haven't shared anything I've written with D. in a while anyway. Of course, I haven't really written anything worth sharing. Anyways...

So my weight has finally started to budge a bit. (No D., my body's refusal to follow any goddamn natural laws is NOT fucking psychologically interesting *bored* ).Perhaps there is something to the low-carbing --> kick start of the metabolism thingy. I do find the whole thing somewhat amusing/utterly ridiculous, but hey if it works right? Ya-fuckin-hoo for me *smirk*

Still no word from C. Is it possible for her not to realize that she is breaking my fucking heart? Does she even care at all anymore?...And the most dreaded question: Did she *ever* really care? *cry*

// no shrink, but i got dvc
| 11/27/2002 - 7:15 p.m. |

Feeling a little less irritable today...Called the psychiatrist and left a voice mail, but he didn't call back, which means I now won't be able to talk to him probably until next week and my guess is that I won't even be able to get an appt. for before I go back east for 3 weeks for the holidays. Bah, this whole shrink search thing is ridiculous--I just need a decent goddamn consultation, it shouldn't be so damn difficult.

I went grocery shopping earlier, not a good idea the day before Thanksgiving but I *needed* soda so I didn't have much choice. Ooohhh, but they finally had diet vanilla coke, and I bought a case and its YUM. mwahahahah

// irritable much?
| 11/26/2002 - 9:00 p.m. |

I have been in a super-pissy mood since this afternoon. No particular reason why--the WORLD is just on my last fucking nerve. And TF has been down since last night, but did I take the opportunity to do anything productive?? NOOOO, of course not. I didn't even call the shrink guy that I was supposed to. Blech, *I* am on my last nerve as well, grrrrr.

// passive-aggressive and mailed
| 11/25/2002 - 7:15 p.m. |

Dear C.,

So I'll start with the obvious (or not)--I'm pissed. Worried and hurt as well, but I prefer to focus on the pissed part first. Why the hell haven't I heard from you???...Bah, even as I write the first few sentences, I am losing my focus and feeling more confused than anything. And I suddenly don't feel like writing this letter at all...*Sigh* Have a happy thanksgiving. I hope it is good and non-stressful.

Take care,

M.

ps-I should just not send this at all...but instead I'll just apologize now for the drama-queen show.

// out of whack
| 11/21/2002 - 6:05 p.m. |

I feel so out of sorts physically. Like super-hormonal with the cold sweats and mood swings, et al. The combination of restriction and ice-cream binges/half-ass purges doesn't help either. My body just feels so out of control though, I can't really describe it. But it makes me feel even crazier mentally than I already do.

// vague attachment
| 11/18/2002 - 4:10 p.m. |

It was *neither* that I had nothing to talk about OR nothing I "wanted" to. More that I couldn't define it. Like I have this growing feeling of something, but I don't even know what it is. I know--vague much? Blah. And then, I actually wasn't thinking of C., until you brought her up of course (again).

The thing is I don't *know* that its such a "healthy" attachment, on my part anyways, anymore than its healthy for me to so UNattached to nearly everyone else. It seems to me just one more example of my all-or-nothing approach to the world. I think thats partly why I'm so terrified of feeling attached to anyone else. I don't trust myself not to become OVERLY so...

// again
| 11/18/2002 - 11:50 a.m. |

Fucking Monday already? Shit. No reason for not writing all weekend except the usual apathy. Watched moves at j+d's Saturday night, like left the house and everything. *roll* Otherwise, nada. My body and everything/one else in the world is pissing me off. And now I still have to make that fucking phone call again. C. would have done it for/with me. Whatever...

Why is it so difficult to disappear? My brain did months and months ago. Why does my flesh have to be so damn stubborn? I mean even with a fucked up metabolism, sleeping 1/2 the day, and being a zombie the other 1/2, its gotta burn more than the nothing-of-any-substance I'm taking in. Right?

// dreaming
| 11/14/2002 - 12:00 p.m. |

I first woke up around 7am, cold sweats, having kicked my extra blanket off the bed 8ft down, bladder full. Didn't think I was going to be able to get back to sleep, but I kept laying there anyway, and I uh, obviously did.

Had a dream in which D. and Damon!! appeared. D. was a science teacher I think and I was taking a test that was really long and I was the last one to finish and running out of time because I actually knew all the answers and was determined to get a perfect score I think. And then some committee decided the results were invalid for some reason, and D. was pissed and throwing something of a tantrum, although not at me. Yeah, it was weird. And Damon, I just remember that he was there and I was really happy to see him. Damn, I haven't really seen him or even been in contact with him in years. I don't really recall having even thought about him recently, but I miss him now. He was a good guy and a really good friend.

Ugh, I have to call LP again because I left a message yesterday and they did call back, but it was from a different area code (color me confused) and I didn't answer. Blah, why is simple shit like this so fucking hard and scary for me??

// go away
| 11/13/2002 - 9:45 a.m. |

SO did not want to wake up or get up or move. All I even *have* to do today is make that 1 phone call to LP, and yet I feel overwhelmed by the entire world. Just want to shut it all out--oh wait, probably not even possible to do so any further than I already have been. *roll*

Please let it be a nice day in TF land. And I hope mollie is ok and comes back to play *pout*

// primates
| 11/12/2002 - 1:00 p.m. |

Holy fuck do I hate people. How is it even possible for there to be so many stupid, ignorant, hateful jackasses in the world, let alone on TF? No wonder I want out of this blasted thing called life. Its not fit for anyone with an ounce of compassion, intelligence, or concern for humanity. Hell, fuck humanity, in my next life I want to be one of those chimps.

// complicated
| 11/11/2002 - 5:50 p.m. |

So yeah, about C...It was weird (tho not necessarily in a bad way) to talk with D. about being mad at her, about my recognition of her flaws, about the lack of clarity in the relationship, and its long-standing complexity. Like with a "real" member of one's family, I can bitch about her all I want, but someone else so much as looks at her funny, and there's gonna be trouble. But D.'s comments didn't bother me; I just felt that she was validating my reasons for being upset. She has always made very clear that she respects and supports my relationship with C., which I appreciate. Its still hard of course to talk about her, but at least its "ok."

// eek and grrrrr
| 11/11/2002 - 4:10 p.m. |

Ok session today I guess. Got a # for the LP mood clinic, have to make myself call tomorrow. Eek. Talked about my aunt c., whether or not I am committing suicide, albeit a very slow one (well yeah, duh...but I prefer to maintain that its not the same thing), and finally C. Who I am obviously pissed at, but know there lies a lot of hurt and worry underneath the anger.

// nothing
| 11/10/2002 - 11:10 p.m. |

Just staring at this blank page. Reminds me of myself. Nothing but some nonsense to fill in the space. I'd rather just not exist at all. Just wasting space and oxygen (and money and time and life). And waiting for my body to waste away as well. Become nothingness for real...

// belonging
| 11/10/2002 - 5:00 p.m. |

TF of course is pretty much my life at the moment. I'm now a mod in APFH as well as Media Munch. Yet I still feel like an outsider. I wonder if ever in my life I will feel wanted, accepted, like I belong? Unlikely, considering my paranoia, insecurity, feelings of inferiority, being intimidated, etc. *sigh*

// indecisive
| 11/10/2002 - 3:10 p.m. |

Switching again. Don't know if I'll stick with this one or not, but for past entries go here:

aum's blogjournal

Queen of avoidance here: journal, phone calls, emails, everyone, everything. Oh and food too. "Real" food anyways. These stackers are some strong shit--have to push myself to even eat my little anorexic meals.*eyeroll*