// airplanes
| 05/12/2003 - 7:59 a.m. |

5-11-03, 5:40pm EST
The plane is *supposed* to take off in about 5 minutes. And I *just* fucking got on. I suppose I should be thankful or something I got a seat, but I'm still feeling pretty pissy. Bastards overbooked, and I was among the lucky waiting until the rest of the damn plane was boarded to get a fucking boarding pass. Just the mood I'm in, I feel like it would have fucking FIGURED if I hadn't, at which point I surely would have burst into tears. I dunno what my major malfunction is today, but I am just so goddamn tired, and the humidity makes me feel like I'm gonna involuntarily toss my cookies--that or shit out my intestines--and WhinewHinewhInewhiNewhinE some more...*Deep breath*...ok, ok, I'm on the plane, it *is* gonna take off soon and its reasonably cool now. So I should really c.f.o. ...are we there yet?

8:15pm, PST
Well, still not there, but by 9 hopefully. I was doing a little better physically for a few hours--but by now am real ready to get off this plane, and smoke, and get my ass home to bed. Mentally, wellll, how pathetic is it that I just spent the past 2 hours probably obsessing over food and cals per ounce and grams of carbs? *erm* Really pathetic. But fuck, I swear I feel like I have exploded in the past 10 days I was 'home'. And my weight was already feeling disgusting *prior* to the trip, so I can only imagine the coronary I'm going to have when I see the # tomorrow. Good grief, my fucking tree trunks of thighs. Ick. However, all that bullshit aside, I know its not *really* whats driving this urge I'm having to pretty much stop eating completely, starting well, whenever, tomorrow I guess. But what the fuck ever. I feel like if I try and analyze beyond the obvious and same old at this moment my head is going to explode (literally vs. the more accurate 'uncontrollable spreading' of my thighs) what does it really fucking matter anyway? It doesn't--CLEARLY--nothing does...

Oh, saw "The Hours" on the flight. Lets just say I related, all depressed people and suicide and such. "That's what people do. They stay alive for each other." Yes, unfortunately. I wonder what it is that changes? And what is it like when that tediously precarious balance gives way? And just how long can one live with it feeling so continuously imminent? How fucking long???