// the existential void
| 05/13/2003 - 7:28 p.m. |

i cried myself to sleep last night.
cried upon waking up this morning.
no particular reason, certainly nothing new or remotely nonrepetitive.
just the fundamental and complete pointlessness of it all.

i've supposedly been relatively doing a bit better the last several weeks.
whatever.
i don't actually *feel* any better or any less pessimistic or hopeless or have any less of a death wish.

i try to imagine resuming my "life".
the thing is, i don't care.
i can't even conjure up a fantasy in which life seems anything other than completely pointless.

like i wouldn't want to 'save the world' even if i were capable of doing so, because WHY?

there is meaning in nothing, meaning itself is meaningless.
i don't understand why anyone or anything exists at all.

and these words, all these damn words<<--just

*crying*