// the "biggest" secret + lies...+ ultimately...forgiveness.
| 06/24/2004 - 9:07 a.m. |

explanation of this entry HERE.


Monday, 04-07-1997
6:10am--82 � lbs
2:35pm

Well, here I am on the train. Back to Belmont just like I wanted. Just five weeks early. The past week seemed like forever while I was living it, but now it just all seems a blur. I remember telling Eric the truth about my school work early in the week, which sent me into a deep depression. I think that was Monday night. ��

��Then I got caught with plagiarizing �B.�s Story.� I lied yet again to save my ass. I also called every fucking pharmacy in a 3 mile radius to see if anyone had ipecac. No one did and that was the only reason I didn�t b/p. Instead, I fell apart and stopped denying reality. I don�t belong in college right now. So I put the original plan into fast-forward. I stopped eating and started making calls to Belmont.

��got my self-destruction package today. I swallowed 12 max strength Ex-Lax and left everything else in my closet......

.....Then, there�s Eric. He was totally unphased by what I told him about school. He gave me flowers again.....


Tuesday, 04-08-1997 [[@ belmont; the time I got kicked out...]]
83.5 lbs
10:05pm

I just had contact time with Jacqui. We talked about the school issue. I had sat in here for almost two hours before snack just beating myself up over that and not making it through the semester. I feel such a tremendous amount of guilt and shame, unworthy of forgiveness, not deserving to eat. Jacqui told me I have to let go of it.......


~~~~~

Sunday, 05-18-1997, 3:30pm [[Hopkins...recalling �day trip� to gw a few days earlier]]

.....I also found out that Prof. G. failed me. One day and my whole life blew up in my face. I talk so much about getting my life back. Well, that�s bullshit. I no longer feel that I have anything to return to. I�ve fucked up with school, my friends, my activities, working, etc. In less than 1 year I�ve managed to throw away everything I�ve worked my whole life for. I have to start over and rebuild everything from scratch and that is scary as hell. Right now, I don�t feel at all capable of doing that. I continue to put off dealing with ANY of these problems��


Tuesday, 06-10-1997, 10:25am
[[still @ Hopkins...about 2x the size I went in *roll*...weekend �off� in philly]]

��I didn�t do much except set up my computer. I had several disturbing e-mails�2 from Prof. G. and another stating that he had filed a charge accusing me of academic dishonesty. I don�t know what to do about it. I�m too embarrassed to tell anyone or to even do anything about it but I know I have to deal with it at some point.......


~~~~~

Monday, 09-01-1997, 10:45am
[[just back @ belmont, 1st brief ip stint at beginning of 4 months...]]

.....Jacqui said last night that perhaps I need to let go of my anger. I really don�t know how to do that. As she clearly perceived, I have a very hard time letting go of my anger and guilt from the past. Knowing how I was struggling in April with forgiving myself for my problems in school and sensing that I couldn�t let go of the shame I feel for my behavior during my last stay here, she said she wonders why it is that I do that to myself. No one else is holding on to it, yet I continue to punish myself for it......


~~~~~

Thursday, 04-23-1998
[[just short of 4 months out of Belmont...taking couple classes @ ccp...]]
1:35pm

I just had an incredibly hard session with C. I finally told her the big secret�buying the papers, getting caught, lying to everyone about why I got the F. And I cried�for the first time I let myself cry with C. It was horrible to admit to her what I had done, I couldn�t look her in the face, I was afraid she�d have an expression of total disgust on her face. But when I finally did, after she�d been the only one talking for what seemed like forever, saying all the right things, all the things I needed to hear�I saw only concern and understanding and compassion in her eyes. I didn�t feel judged, only taken care of. I was crying more because I suddenly didn�t feel all alone anymore, as I had due to my shame (although that by no means had disappeared). When I left, C. gave me a hug, held me for a minute, and kind of tousled my hair as she let go. I needed that so much, to get that affection from someone other than my Tweety Bird and the tears welled up again......


Friday, 04-24-1998, 11:10pm

I�m still kind of reeling from yesterday�s session with C. Trying to allow myself to just sit with the feelings�especially that of feeling like a �bad little girl.� I have pretty much finished the cross-stitch in the last 2 days�it�s been a safe activity for me. And of course I�ve got my little tweet pea :) I didn�t do so hot with food today though, skipping a lot of exchanges. It wasn�t really intentional; I just seem to have left my appetite in C.�s office. I didn�t expect to have to deal with the cheating issue right now; I wasn�t prepared for it coming up with C. I know it�s important�the guilt and shame have been holding me back. But God, it just feels so horrible! I thought I would feel relieved to get if off my chest; rather I feel just as deserving of pain and punishment as before. How could I have done that? To me it represents a complete lack of integrity, ethics, self-respect, intelligence, and work ethic. I am putting my faith in C. to help me forgive myself and heal.


Sunday, 04-26-1998
7:10pm

�...Anyway, as I was saying, I�m feeling very �little� and scared. Despite that, I need to do some journaling about the whole cheating thing and Thursday�s session�Back at GW. Scared, confused, constant sense of panic. What is happening to me? Why is my whole world crumbling down around me? I can�t think! Ok, take a deep breath, stay calm, you can do this. Oh god, I cannot think dammit. I am so fucked. What am I going to do? What the hell do I do? Oh god, please, just let me drop dead right now. Please god, please help me!

And that�s how it started.

Before I knew it, everything was spinning wildly out of control. Why did I do it? Panic, fear, not in my right mind, thought I could get away with it, just like the ed it seemed like the perfect solution to all of my problems. Part of me believes this not-guilty-by-reason-of-insanity plea. Part of me thinks its clever rationalization to shirk responsibility for my actions. C.�s argument of the former was convincing though and sounded heart-felt. I want to believe her, I want to forgive myself and move on. But, god, the shame is still so powerful. Is there really any excuse? Ugh! I am trying very hard to believe in C.�s perspective. Just thinking about how vulnerable I was able to feel with her makes me want to cry.


Monday, 04-27-1998
1:20pm

On the way to see C.�I had my last class this morning. All I�ve got left is finals. Figures that school issues would have to come up in therapy right now! It was my finals in fall 1996 when the whole mess started. This time around of course, there is almost no stress in comparison to GW. But the memories of the all-consuming panic remain.......

7:30pm

��Maybe it�s why I feel bad right now. I know she was trying to help me, but I feel like I got a lecture. She didn�t grasp why the bad thoughts always outweigh the good ones. I don�t want her to think of me as a pessimist or a cheater or anything that implies I don�t always give 110%, no matter the odds. I guess basically I�m ashamed to have her see me for what I really am, to see the ugliness. I�m afraid I disgust her and that is the reason she�� But she did seem to really appreciate my gift. I think I just realized why I had the fear of her not accepting it. It�s symbolic of her rejecting me and that is what I was really afraid of after making my big confession. It makes sense now��




.....3 years later...last term @ Drexel.....


sunday, 04/08/2001, 3:39pm, (in an) email to c., Subject: decisions

��Another sort of synchronistic occurence. A member of Psi Chi, who is also a friend/acquaintance of mine, has been found guilty by Drexel of plagarism. She was having a lot of "issues" last term, and struggling to keep up with school as a result, it was the last day of finals, had a lit paper due, just couldn't deal anymore, panicked, bought a paper online, and got caught. I know all this because she told me as well as Cin., who has taken over for me as Psi Chi president this term. Cin. feels that as an honor society, there has to be some process/discussion undertaken on the issue, which could ultimately lead to this person's membership being revoked.

And I agree, but the whole thing obviously brings up a lot for me and I am not looking forward to dealing with this situation. Unfortunately, as the person who near singlehandedly began the process of resurrecting the chapter last fall, I have a certain responsibility to work with Cin. pretty much front-and-center on the whole thing. Gosh I just *love* "learning experiences"!:-P ......


(in a) reply from c., monday, 4/9/2001

��This Psi Chi business is complicated and tough. It seems to me that you can have understanding and compassion for how it is that someone makes the choices that she does and still hold her responsible and invoke necessary consequences. Easier said than done, huh? .....


wednesday, 04-11-2001, 1pm [[paper journal]]

Well, my emails to C. have covered most of what�s been going on in my life, but this whole thing with Al. and Psi Chi needs further exploring.

Am I in any position, ethically, to �condemn� her actions? It�s established that I�ve been in her position and made the same mistake. I can portray it to others as a singular incident, but I cannot escape the truth myself. Lying, cheating, and stealing/plagiarizing were my MO long before I got caught. The means-to-an-end philosophy was clearly something I learned from �John��that is an explanation, not an excuse.

And the �everybody does it� reasoning? That sentiment of Al.�s is troubling to me. The extent to which others do or do not act with �honor� is irrelevant. I recall feeling back then as well that I expected more from myself, but I can�t say for sure that I didn�t use that rationalization too.

I don�t doubt that I learned and grew tremendously from my own encounter with the consequences of academic dishonesty. And I don�t think I realized until this current situation arose that, though it brings up a lot for me, I have finally forgiven myself. And I believe that peace is well-deserved.

HOWEVER, as much as I value and strive for genuine honesty, I can�t truthfully say that I have never failed to meet that standard in the past 4 years. I indeed have told some protective lies, �fudged� a few papers a little, etc. Not without some guilt surely, but does that matter? Where does one draw the line between inevitable human flaws and compromised ethics? And if my own behavior is �acceptable� (which I am inclined to believe it is), does that even give me the authority to oppose another�s?

If only she hadn�t told us. In fact, even if she had told us in another setting, not related to Psi Chi, I would not agree with Cin. that this is any of our business. But the fact is she did tell us and we were sitting at the Psi Chi table. And regardless of my past transgressions and current imperfections, I hold my integrity dear and try to uphold it as best I can. And where is the honor in looking the other way?

And so despite the misgivings I have outlined and my serious concern for Al.�s well-being, I come to the same, difficult conclusion that this process needs to occur and I must responsibly be a part of it. So why do I feel so shitty about it?


wednesday, 4/18/2001, 7:25pm, (in an) email to c., Subject: 52 days to go...:-)

.....So last night, Cin. and I finally talked to Al., the Psi Chi member who got caught plagarizing. And as expected, it sucked. She didn't see it coming, was pissed, and walked out after only 5 or so minutes. Didn't say if she would resign or not, if not we have to go ahead with the ethics committee hearing (where we decided Cin. would present the case for revoking membership and I would actually be supporting Al., but I dunno how welcome that would be since she probably hates me at the moment) which would decide whether or not the issue would go before general membership for an official vote.

Ugh.

I thought and journaled a lot about this, whether I could or should support Cin. in this matter, and kept coming to the same conclusion that its the right thing to do--doesn't make it feel any less shitty though. But I will say that looking as I do for the meaning/reasons for things, having to confront this issue again has led me to realize that as far as my own history with it goes, I'm past it--not sure when it happened exactly, but somewhere along the line I forgave myself.

Anyways, Cin. and I went to Friday's afterward for dinner and had ourselves some big girlie drinks--me a raspberry marguerita, and her some frozen ice cream thing:-).....