// "the letter" + more
| 07/01/2004 - 1:00 p.m. |

thu, 7-1-04, 11:50am
(pre-pat notes)

got a whole lotta paper w/ me today.

the 8-page letter to leave for tacie.
(written on the same [tweety] stationary as i used to use for my epics to c...)

also the collection of journal entry/email fragments i had put together regarding the former "big secret".
4+ pages typed.
it came up again (how?) on monday w/ pat.
+ i told her i would bring in the writings for her to read--
see what the "something" was.

so, uh, yeah.
major EEK-ness.


had a nice, brief exchange w/ roni [teaches my programming class] last night.
while gathering up my things at the end of class.
(i'm always the last one out--me w/ all my shit vs. everyone else having little but a notebook + pen.)
she asked how i was liking programming.
good; mentioned my yr as an IS major;
and not comp. sci. only b/c of the massive amount of natural science classes required.
anyway she said that i have a 'good feel' for the programming, and could 'go far' in the field.
something like that.



~~~~~~~~~~

alrighty, well, gonna let it all hang out here...

"the letter"
~was 1st referenced here.
~the 'middle' version (+links) i am posting below. will show a copy to pat next week...
~~1st was stream of conscious scribbling in my paper journal, over multiple "pre-therapy" writing blocks.
~~the 2nd, below, is typed version of that, mildly editted.
~~the version i left for tacie was back in paper form + formatted differently, but otherwise the same.


the old "big secret"
~what i gave pat to read is here. i had added it about a week ago, but left it 'private' until now.
~this is when it first came up w/ pat.



~~~~~~~~~~

tues, 6-22-04, 6:58pm
("pre-group notes")

i'm really not sure where this is coming from--
in terms of actually taking a (1st) step in this direction.
but, here goes...


dear tacie,

i'm not sure how long it's going to take me to finish this letter, let alone give it to you.
but it's 4+ months later + this is the 1st time i've even taken a stab @ it.
so it's a step i guess.

i knew from the very moment, before even, i told the lie, i would eventually tell you--
eventually being the key word.

so yes, if you haven't figured it out yet, this is a 'confession' letter.

part of me thinks perhaps you've already guessed @ the 'crime'--
or even suspected all along.
obviously, no idea if that is so or not.


*sigh*
so here it is.
i did not throw away the pills.

i swear on my mother's life i took not a single one the whole time i was there--
aside from the very 1st 2 or 3 days in the program, but i hadn't hidden that fact at all.

but nevertheless, i still told a big fat whopper of a lie--
repeatedly and to multiple people.

and loathed myself for doing so each + every time.

but still did it.

for a variety of reasons i guess, the worst part of it--
what has in particular uh, been eating at me all these months--
is lying to you specifically.
(hence this letter)

i make no excuses for any of it.
but i do want to explain how/why/etc. it happened--
from my perspective anyway.


i suppose it started even before that fateful team meeting--
which technically is what set it in motion.

as it was known, i hadn't immediately 'quit' upon 1st coming into renfrew.
after a couple of days though, *I*, *on my own* decided to.

a--despite my 'tendency' to push limits, generally just for the hell of it, i was sensing that things were moving in the direction where the 'consequences' could well be of the kind that, basically, weren't worth it.
that was a hard-learned lesson from the "scariest/craziest day" debacle in california...

thu, 6-24-04, 11:30am
("pre-pat notes")

b�as skeptical as i was at the time that the whole "more intensive tx" thing was gonna make a damn difference�
being as hopeless as i was that anything could or would�
i still knew it was pretty idiotic not to give myself at least half a chance.

c�contradictory as i know it would seem, it also felt hypocritical and therefore dishonest not to do so, @ least for the duration of my time there.

d�being as i clearly don't have an e.d. (oh, shush)�
it would be no big deal to stop @ my choosing.
just as i made a conscious choice to take the pills in the 1st place.

and i must say, it really wasn't particularly difficult.
the later argument that simply having them in my possession may be too great a temptation just didn't hold.
i rarely even gave it a moments thought.

because *I* had decided,
on my own,
that i would not take any pills while there�
and that was that.

and "that" is the key to everything that followed as well...


...moving on to the team meeting.

well, as you well know, i was not a happy camper, to say the least, about, among other things�
being residential, + all the more so feeling like i was being held "hostage" those additional 4 days.

and the inherent anxiety about those damn meetings + my personal too-much and checkered experience w/ them�
i walk in the door and BAM�
defensive and "oppositional" regardless of my efforts to be otherwise.

and i SO did not want to make the "agreement" (ahem, hardly) about handing over the pills.
not so much b/c i didn't want to do so, but b/c i knew i wouldn't.
b/c i was being more or less blackmailed w/ it�
the threat of not being allowed to go home the next day, even if unspoken, was very clear, very palpable.

(ok, that's not completely true either, *sigh*, re the 'wanting' to.
i said many times that i was not at the time ready to make a commitment to remaining 'asymptomatic' beyond renfrew.
so i didn't want to get rid of the pills until i knew i wouldn't just go and stock up again later--b/c, well, the current stash represented a relatively significant monetary 'investment'...blah, blah, whatever.)


mon, 6-28-04, 2:35pm
("pre-pat notes")

anyways--i realize that fuck-you response to anyone trying to tell me what to do--
regardless of the "what"--
is not the most constructive, or rational, approach.
and certainly, that obstinate pride of mine has more than once taken me places i really didn't so much want to go--
but it's the reality of "me".
something to "work on" i know...

so for better or worse i made the choice i did--
to "lie all the way home"

my attempted line of "its been taken care of" would have been no less a lie even if no one had pushed me to 'expand' on what that meant.
not that my conscience bought it mind you, but i had tried to rationalize that a 'lie of omission' wasn't quite as bad as one of 'commission'

and then i further rationalized, every time i wanted to 'come clean' in the following weeks--
that doing so would only result in distraction and wasted time,
and goddess knows i have an uncanny talent for creating more than enough drama and chaos w/o even trying.

so i just blocked it all out w/ the pledge to myself that i'd fess up at some point--
some point after i was discharged.

a significant part of me thinks/knows(?) that doing so, that this long-ass rambling letter, is really quite selfish.

it's no longer relevant really;
not particularly considerate to dump it on you after all this time.
it's basically all about me, unburdening myself, easing my conscience, me, me, me...---

what can i say, selflessness is not a quality i'm much known for.

tues, 6-29-04, 6:55pm
("pre-group notes")

so, i dunno, it is what it is.
the confession...
and now the apology.

as i've said, whatever my reasons, motivations, logic--
none are excuses.

nor do they show any evidence that i wouldn't make the same choice if i had it to do over again.
i wish i could say i would do things differently--
but i know myself too well.

so what might i be apologizing for?
and is it worth a damn anyway?

well, the latter isn't for me to determine.
as for the former...

i guess what i'm sorry for is allowing people to believe that i am who i claimed to be;
who i wish i was.

over + over i was adamant in my demand that people trust me--
that i deserved it just b/c i said so.

kept sticking to my "platform" as you called it--
and then expressing such, obviously hypocritical, outrage @ the mere hint that my 'i'm just being honest' routine was anything but legit.

yet it was that very questioning of my trustworthiness that i allowed to "push" me into 'dishonoring' it--
i said trust me not to take the pills if i say i won't
(which as it turned out was valid);
but compromise?
show why my word really did mean something by god forbid, doing anything in a manner other than my way or shove it?
nope.
couldn't do it.

gaining respect by deceit--
way to go me.

so i'm sorry that i let you fight for me + fight with me, + like me enough even to put up w/ all my shit.
and not even have the guts to be straight-up face-to-face.

and if any of this is coming across in any 'woe-is-me' vein, i apologize for that too.

finishing up, wed, 6-30-04, 1:45pm

well, while i'm unloading, a few other things too...

1--there was one day we were meeting, scheduled until 3.
you asked if it was ok if we went to 3:15?
"yeah, sure"--not mentioning the fact that i knew damn well i'd therefore be missing snack.

2--day after you so kindly kicked my ass out of your office...
i was hanging around upstairs, checking to see if your 'do not disturb' sign was still up, returning to scribbling in journal, checking again, going out to smoke, back to scribbling, etc.
at some point, had to go to bathroom.
and for no logical reason, decided to throw up while in there.
not a lot, just 2 gags worth. certainly could have purged my whole lunch. but that wasn't the point. i don't know what the point was exactly, only that i conveniently failed to mention it to anyone.

and 3--i've noted that i never took any of the pills *while still in the program*.
i took my first post-discharge that very day.
before i even got out of the fucking parking lot.
i sat there thinking:
**WHAT IN THE FUCK am i doing??
besides essentially spitting in Tacie's face (and Rosenberg's + so on).**
which was the last thing i wanted to do.
so, logically, i swallowed, drove out, and went back into la di da mode.

and yes, i'm still taking pills i'm not 'supposed' to.
nothing to the extent i was doing prior to renfrew.
have gone no where near what was probably the worst of the bunch, the lasix.
but am popping about 2 stackers a day.
why, for what possible reason WHY?
besides the fact that anything i do that makes me feel guilty and really shitty about myself, i seem to, for that very reason, keep on doing it??
otherwise, i AM eating, and NOT really engaging in any other big 'no-nos.'
pat knows about my currently taking the pills, for the record.
and i'll likely, begrudgingly, show her a copy of this lengthy ramble-on after i know you've received it.


and that's everything.
finally.
really.

and for what it's worth, i truly am sorry.
i have no idea what your reaction is, what you might think of me now.
and i know you can't really respond to all of this.

but whatever your thoughts/feelings/opinions may or may not be,
i know i have to let it go.

it is ultimately about me, me, me after all.*eye ROLL*
and i've got to confront and deal w/ this shit, and get it out of my way, as temptingly 'comfortable' as it may be to keep on letting it block my path while i sit still whining about how i can't seem to get anywhere.

regardless...
still *hugs* and putty,
m.