// broken switch(es)
| 04/08/2004 - 7:48 p.m. |

2pm
(post-pat + home)

teary eyed again.
and verbally acknowledged by pat.
something about 'some emotions brought up'(?).
clearly referring to the visible evidence of a little leak in the wall of numbness.

put the tissues on the couch.
i still tried to pretend the errant drops were non existent, futilely willing my eyes to dry up right.this.second.
i finally "gave in" and took a tissue.

it's not like i was *crying* (oh the horror!), but...but, but, but.
not a fan.
"if you can bear the tears, you can bear the laughter."
blahhhh.


and what triggered this uncouth display of humanness?

c*
of course.
c*, c*, c*

everyone (i.e., of the therapist species) but me wants to talk about her.

because 100 miles away + still (nearly) the only one who can make me cry.
fucking a.

i was a bit disconcerted by pat's wondering about/mulling over the helpfulness and such of our continued relationship/communication.
i sought to set her straight as calmly and rationally as possible that whatever the complications and issues it bears...
well, it is not to be fucked with.
not what i said, hah, but essentially the point i was trying to make clear.

i don't trust that a similar 'challenge' to C. wouldn't potentially lead her to the final abandonment that i COULD NOT BEAR.
the mere thought is terrifying beyond anything.

meaning not just that i'm wary of pat sticking her nose where it doesn't belong, but my trust in C. is somewhat compromised at the moment.
which hurts in itself, but doesn't mean it is permanently damaged.

i know no one *really* gets it.
and it's not the kind of thing that words can adequately express.

and its an inherent consequence of my depression that my focus, and therefore my expression, is stuck on the negative side of everything. *sigh*

this was not the entirety of the session.
but i need to turn the fuck off.
i'm home now.
i don't *do* continued processing.
switch flipped.




6pm

yeah, so much for that.
damn switch is stuck or something.
still feeling...well, feeling.
sad, scared, lonely, all the usual.
my eyes have been getting misty at regular intervals, even when i've managed in the moment to distract.

but the mental and emotional are not working in tandem.

i don't even know what it's about.
the past week and a half have been so odd for me.
the stuff rolling around in my head...

i mean as much as i so often avoid consciously addressing anything, i know it's still there.
i can almost feel the thoughts and emotions in some little room in my head, and 'processing' and such among themselves.
separate from "me," simply a neutral observer when i bother to pay any attention at all.

but more recently, they've moved out and about, strolling around in a more open space.
probing and poking here and there, but still have their own little meetings whether i'm present or not.
and i don't quite understand who's who and what's being said.
it's not a completely different language being spoken, but a distinct dialect that i've yet to get accustomed to.
i have no idea if that makes any sense at all, or if it sounds like i'm "crazy", but its the best i can do to describe the internal 'sensations'.

does it mean i'm on the verge of a shift of some sorts, 'turning a corner'??
i don't know.

and if so, for the better or worse?

i know my adamant and stubborn efforts to avoid the pain are not going to ever result in any progress.
but the fear is overwhelming.
i know the common wisdom that you gotta go through it to ever get to the other side.
but faith that there IS an other side, for me, for this, is shaky at best.
and that i am capable of going the distance nearly nonexistent.
i can't even see it from here.
only an endless expanse of deep and turbulent sea that the best of 'swimmers' would drown in...