// the breaking of a damn
| 04/08/2004 - 10:41 p.m. |

9:38pm

i am bawling.
wracking sobs.
tears by the bucket.
snot pouring out my nose.

i can''t stop.

i can't even see the screen as i type.

i have no idea what is happening.

in all the pain i've been in for the past 2 years,
all those moments where i particularly felt like i couldn't possibly tolerate another second of being alive...

it's been much longer since i've cried like this.

like i'm never going to stop.

the last time i remember...was every damn day it seemed, during that long, long good-bye.


i was fine.
i mean more or less.

just randomly reading a random short story online.
and at the end, 2 people who had been deeply in love for much of their lives, soulmates, they let each other go anyway.

and in a split-second the damn broke.

something in me exploded.

and all i can do is cry out, begging, pleading to the universe


no.no.no.no.no.no.no.nooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
no.no.nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. please, please, nooooooo.


over and over and still.

and hold on to my tweety for dear life.


my mom is not here.
thank god.

except i feel like i'm dying.

completely alone, terrified, in unbearable pain.

and there is no one, no one to help me.
no one to hold me, no one to comfort me.
no one to save me.

its been well over a 1/2 hour and i'm still shaking, screaming, unable to breath, drowning.

not even the remotest decrease in intensity.

and besides the begging and pleading over and over,
all i can think is i need to calm down enough to go puke or cut or something, something, anything.




10:28

well that last sentence was all kinds of backwards.

nothing in me to puke, and i have no intention to change that anytime soon.

and it was the cutting i needed to do to get any respite, not the other way around.

i'm taking a little extra seroquel now and pretending i don't have to wake up again.




11:12pm
oops, not so fast.
one last thing to torture myself 1st...

email to C., subject: just a note hello
just hi.
thinking about you.
and a million other things i couldn't begin to explain.


[[and coming out of my numbness in a most unpleasant way.
no warning, 0-->10 in a blink of an eye.]]


but that's really besides the point of this just hi + thinking of you little message.
with love,
me.