// cancellation
| 11/03/2002 - 5:39 p.m. |

10-30-02, 10:15pm

No excuse for not writing any today before now. Just didn't fucking feel like it. Fixed my website today--again. Another blah, oblivious, pointless day. 2 apples, a package of saltines and sugar free jam. I think I should qualify for euthanasia.

10-31-02, 8:30am

Ok, so its not her fault and I hope everything is fine and blah, blah, blah, but nice fucking timing D. Grrr. So I'm woken out of a dream in which there was all this food set out, but there were wierd rules that I couldn't figure out, so I couldn't eat (A--gosh, could I be hungry?! nahhhhh and B--rules I can't fathom = how the fuck do I get out of this shithole??). For a second, I started hurrying out of bed. Then think, hell no, wait and see if they leave a message. (9:30am) The ringing stops and a minute later I hear the beep. Damn. Who the hell would call me at this god-awful hour? Well, C. would actually, lol. That thought motivates me to start crawling out of bed. As I am doing so, I worry briefly that its a family member (of mine), and that something is wrong, someone is dead--phone calls at odd hours always scare me a bit. So now I'm out of bed, check the caller ID--wrong on both counts, its a 510 #. Cancellation. And of course I listen to the message and my last guess was right. (10:30am) Ugh, I got out of bed just for that? I climb back up, knowing I won't be able to get back to sleep, but wanting to try anyway. Get back into a ball with tweety under the covers and notice there are tears on my face. What the hell?! You don't care, remember?? Yeah, this is a significant day to me, and this year it makes me want to jump off a cliff, buts its got nothing to do with her. Since when has she been able to help you anyway? Fuck, fuck, fuck...