// clueless
| 04/13/2004 - 7:30 p.m. |

Mon, 4/12/04, 2:48pm
(pre-Pat notes)

scared.
scared to talk.

scared not to?
i dunno, maybe, not feeling it tho.

took me till mid-Sat at least, to really recover from my "breakdown".

didn't go to CM Sat.
not that i really thought i would.

got there about an hr before the rest of the crowd on Sun.

talked w/aunt carol a little throughout the day--
she came out w/ me a few times to smoke.
(in the shed, heh.)

having not actually talked to her in ages,
just gave her a brief rundown on the frew experience,
what i'm doing now in terms of tx.
nothing too deep ( )

had my only "real" meal since Thurs.
although it was still sort of "restricted".
as i usually would have 'let it go' for the day,
eat more than 'usual'--like a "normal" person.


(4/13, 5:45pm). was definitely not comfortable once 1st person showed up.
and increasingly so w/each additional that entered.

Dude! my uncle tom has a new one of those big obnoxious advertisements on his car--
for a friggin diet pill?!?!
earlier, before i had seen it, he was trying to talk to me and stuff.
although well-intentioned, he is clueless as ever.


(7:13pm, pre-Group notes). asked me how frew was.
good, fine, whatever.
was your friend there w/ you?
s.?? no.
(uh, she was in there 8 months ago!?!?)
no, she's doing really good actually.
that's good, you look really good too.



it would be thoroughly hilarious if
17 different ways to interpret the remark
(none positive. of Course.)
didn't pop up in my head as though the sequence was computer programmed.
dampened the humor a bit.



anyways, present moment.
why am i so dreading this group?
oh yeah, because I'm so friggin FAKE i want to chew myself out.
i have yet to do the little group-hug deal at the end.
a--because it "scares" me (oh god, Shut Up!);
b--even i can't bring myself to engage in such blasphemy.