// (contract bullshit +) yo, i'm sloooow.
| 02/09/2004 - 10:20 p.m. |

2-6-04, Fri

weight = Fuck.

"dinner" = still fuck me.

schedule

stamped for: morning gathering; skills for training/dbt (w/Tacie); contact; therapy/Tacie @ 2:30-- contract bullshit; aftercare @ 3:15; shrink/rosenberg @ 3:20

skipped: creating your life

missed: afternoon gathering


~~~~~~~~~~
the contract bullshit
(to the best of my recollection, added 3/9)

so tacie tells me @ the start of our session that the 'team' is putting me 'on contract'
besides the pills, which is (as far as they know anyway...blah.) a non-issue now--
it's essentially for being depressed from my perspective.
lovely.
i was pretty pissed/annoyed--at the 'team' more than tacie specifically, but of course she was the messenger.
and tacie was equally "not happy" w/ me. blah.

so we went round-and-round for a while about how friggin ridiculous it is, and bottom-line whether i would "agree" to the contract.

well as much as i SO want to tell them all to shove it, that "choice" = leaving or being kicked out, same thing.
as much as i (yet again) am finding that idea plenty appealing...there are outside-of-renfrew consequences i DON'T want to face even more.

tacie did progressively open to my p.o.v. + we basically made a deal that i would fill out the stupid contract form (+ return it to her before i left for the day), and she would advocate on my behalf on monday in terms of what it actually 'meant'.

by the end of the meeting w/tacie, i was beyond emotionally drained and spent for the day.
but still had an aftercare appt. right afterwards, and an appt. w/rosenberg right after that, meaning i was already scheduled past the usual get-the-hell-out-of-here 3:30.

so hadn't exactly progressed very far w/the form by the time i met w/rosenberg, who basically commiserated w/me on how dumb it was, and at some pt grabbed the paper out of my hand and was like, whatever, "let me just sign the stupid thing".

after, i sat outside the nurses' station and quickly just wrote whatever, knowing i wasn't even answering the question, but really not giving a fuck. shoved it under tacie's door and booked it out of there...


THE RENFREW CENTER
EATING DISORDER BEHAVIORS/GENERAL NONCOMPLIANCE STAGE 1 CONTRACT

I, M.C., understand that as a result of my pattern of eating disordered behavior, and/or general noncompliance, it is necessary for me to sign this contract with the understanding that I will agree to work on refraining from these behaviors. I agree to use a "Trigger/Impulse Log" for the next 3 days, identifying my triggers and rating my urges to use such behaviors, and identifying my feelings related to them. I will also complete a self-reflective writing assignment and will review this with my therapist. I also agree to reach out to the community for support and to communicate my struggles in the next Community Meeting. I understand that I will remain on Level 3 until this contract is revoked. After a minimum of 3 days, in order for this contract to be revoked, I understand that I must comply with the above stated interventions, as well as demonstrate a pattern of goal-directed behavior in my treatment here. Inability to comply with this contract may lead to further interventions or transfer to a higher level of care or discharge.

Behavior that is being addressed:
Therapy interfering behaviors: not making contacts (e.g., missing 3 out of 4); not handing in food records; not handing in pills to nursing; not attending groups.
----------------------------------------
Three Coping Skills that I will practice to resist utilizing these behaviors are:
1. [Tacie had already filled in] make going to groups a priority. [I wrote] <--I already *have* been doing this + *have* done better the past several days.
2./3. i *am* making tremendous effort in all respects + i don't know how to adequately communicate how VERY DIFFICULT + EXHAUSTING even the most simple things, *everything*, is.

[signature + date lines for]
Patient
Psychiatrist
Medical Director
Therapist
Team Supervisor

TERMS OF CONTRACT SATISFIED:
[signature + date lines for]
Patient
Therapist


had this note from tacie in my box the next morning. lmao.

M.:
These are not coping skills, they are facts & the expression of your pain.
Even under these difficult circumstances it might be possible to engage in some coping skills that will begin to alleviate your depression (e.g., letting people in the community know about your struggle with depression & the impact it is having on you; making contact even when you want to isolate; and making sure to have healthy exercise be a part of your treatment). These are some of my thoughts. What are yours?

Please fill out another contract AND/or discuss with me on Monday.
Thanks,
Tacie

P.S.--Sarah obviously didn't know what she was signing. I had a good laugh & then called her to let her know so we can begin again.
~~~~~~~~~~




2-7-04, 1:36pm

Have definitely been avoiding writing the past few days. Just not wanting to deal w/ anything, attempting to zone/numb out as much as possible. Not an easy task because of course there's plenty of stuff going on, bullshit to deal with, things to report.

Currently 'MFG' is just getting underway, not a group I'm such a fan of for me personally, but at least Judy keeps it on the shorter side. Too many people + voices + crowded a space for me to shut-out + just write (or whatever) unfortunately; just trying to get through the initial spiel by putting pen to page + saying nothing in particular...




~~~~~~~~~~
notes from "recovery process" group Sun, 2/8, 10:30am.
schedule said it was w/ melissa, but megan + our token male ran it--considering that, not a bad group, heh.
did an exercise, supposed to list the pros + the cons of 'having' an e.d., or 'keeping' it--something along those lines.
as usual, i did it my *own* way ;-P

Cons
IF depression lifts/there is hope...
ED is pointless. I KNOW recovery. There is no middle ground if I want a LIFE again.

IF depressed/hopeless...it doesn't matter anyway.
There are no relevant cons.

Pros
IF depressed/hopeless...
why NOT?

IF depression lifts/there is hope...
there are no relevant pros.

the why NOT? whys
-something to focus on
-'don't eat, don't feel'
-expression of pain
-allows me to 'play w/death --> w/o "actively" breaking commitements to stay alive
-its a game I know w/ "rules" I "get"
-weight loss, body, bones, #s
~~~~~~~~~~




2-9-04, 2:20pm

Ummm. Yeah, still been avoiding.

Have been feeling, like, for me, pretty ok, the past few days. Not feeling much of anything would be more accurate, but whatever, a much more preferable state to me as when I have any feelings at all, they are (a) painful ones, intensely so, + (b) overwhelmingly strong. So numb + such is fine by me.

I had a session w/ Tacie 1:30-2 + it was mostly lalala. A little bit of banter, but nothing new really. I was a little caught off guard at the end though. I dunno what the question even was, but as it is most of the time, there was a delay in my even starting to answer. On this occassion I hadn't even managed the processing-the-question step yet, + she gets up out of her chair, quickly moving to the one directly across + next to me, + pretends to answer or respond or something. She was back in her original seat before I even figured out what the hell was happening. I was just like, "Look, my brain works sloooowly." And she said she knows, she's getting it + I said, "No, you're not." And we were basically out of time.

So, ok, under other circumstances, I would probably have thought it was funny. And I realize she was just teasing me, which for the most part I am totally fine with. I dish it out, + I can usually take it as well--gladly even, ya know, its very often how I feel the establishment of a rapport w/ someone.

But the thing is, my brain does work really slowly, if at all, + I DO walk around feeling like a fucking idiot because of it. I can't read; I can't focus or concentrate; I can't think clearly, let alone deeper than surface level; I can't articulate; can't "translate." For 2 years, I've been DUMB. Clearly engaging in conversation is difficult. Someone asks a question or says anything at all + I have to consciously force myself through a whole series of steps to speak a response. It's ridiculous.

And having been someone who has spent my whole life relying on my mind, + its ability to function at a very high level often being the only asset I seemed to have--my current stupidity is one of the most painful parts of this depression. So being slow, yeah, its a sensitive area. Much more than most.

So um, it wasn't a very funny joke. Yeah.