// (unfinished) conversations
| 08/23/2003 - 4:54 p.m. |

This is something I first started writing at the beginning of the week, as my thoughts were first beginning their flurrying attack on me. I never even finished the first part and then I just started writing down various words and phrases to return to and expand on the ideas they represented when I got the chance to, but most of them I have yet to address. So, I know I say this a lot, but really really not gonna make much sense. Posting it anyway...

~~~~~~~~~~

08-19-2003, 7:34pm

Having some imaginary/hypothetical conversations running through my head in the past little while.
A lot of it pretty repetitive of stuff I�ve already posted here, albeit in different form, but still want to document it.

First off with my aunt j.
I�m generally not a big fan of people hovering and making big deals of things that are not, but she has been admittedly cute the past 2 days worrying about me and my sore throat and overtiredness.
Of course I assume she is unaware that I know perfectly well why I have a sore throat and just why there is some sort of visible irritation way in the back of it.

**Like a scratch or blister or something on that little thing that those of us who rely on fingers and gag reflex rub and poke at to induce vomiting.

Last night she was all concerned that I don�t yet have a regular doctor to go to if I�m sick and my mom came by for a few minutes to drop something off and they were all, well I�m sure you could go to mine or I�m sure you could go to mine or yaddahyaddah.
Yeah, I fucking hate doctors and no way in hell would I go anywhere near one for a little sore throat.
This morning, she came into my room before leaving for work and I stirred just barely enough to be aware she was leaving a little tray on my night stand.
On it were several sodas, a bottle of water, a jello, a pudding, a cup of my fiber one, a bag of my sugar free candies.
Ok, I have a sore throat, not a broken leg.
And at the very least, I go downstairs and outside at least once an hour to smoke and usually refill my soda.
I ate the fiber one around five.
But still, kinda cute, especially considering how she was pretty much being downright rude until like a week ago. Ridiculous, but cute.

**called this morning about 11:45�i was about to make cig run..why haven�t I gotten my order yet?�explain addiction�post �ground rules� email?? when I get around to writing about integrity issue�distractedness�phone(yeah right, me talk on the phone!?)/tetris/mindless(so mindless I have thoughts!)--�already forgetting�how I write/journal�trouble �translating� from brain to paper, takes long time, jotting down short prompts for later expansion�

So, I�m thinking that whenever she comes home from work (she�s become quite the workaholic since my uncle died and getting home by 7:30pm would make it a �short� day), she�ll probably rush upstairs or wherever I am at the time and ask how I�m doing.
And I�m actually *eversoslightly* less tired and foggy than yesterday and my throat isn�t any better but its not any worse either so I figure that�s a good sign.
Surely she�ll then ask if I want something to eat.
The hypothetical starts coming in with wondering if she�ll comment on what is or isn�t still on the tray or if she�ll ask what else I might have eaten today.
Or if she�ll comment or ask about the disappearance of massive quantities of her food in the past 2 days.
I�ve told her previously that I don�t want to �play these games� in terms of the �did you eat?�, �what did you eat?� questions. If I were in an active-recovery space they wouldn�t phase me, I�d honestly answer �yeah, I�m stuffed� or �no, I�m starving, have anything in mind?� or whatever and �yeah, I had whatever, omg, it was soooo good�, etc. But clearly at this point in time, I�m justifiably suspicious of her motives, and perhaps I would say so this time.

�continue�


�Renfrew phone call�weight swings�


08-20-2003, 1-1:30am
*typed on cell phone�binging�sarah�privacy�online�

*bro�s bday today!!!

*convo with C.�rationalizing re: not having an ED�DSM criteria�Well, hey, Ms. Abandoned/left-me-to-go-work-for-fucking-Magellen, they may suck, but they are the bible of your profession. The one that I inexplicably wanted to be a part of during several years of psychosis.
Goddamn. Serious question here. Please answer it and honestly obvious.
Was I always this mean?? Certainly I�ve always leaned towards sarcasm, but I feel like I�ve maybe crossed a line into viciousness lately. And you�ve probably been the recipient of a good deal of it.
Apologies empty words

2:10am
Online journal�what�s going on in my head�maybe doesn�t need so much response??

Diane emails�onesidedness actually is/will be a little hard�uncensored thoughts/feelings on her email
Copying this to her??
Hadn�t thought much about her since last session�recent problems with impulse control�a bit embarrassed by it�but confident it will pass�just one of my swings

Writing style�way I speak�repetitiveness

Why I draw the line at a certain point in terms of ED behaviors�not quite ready to die? If I really want to at all???? things I need to do before. Not ready to do them or avoiding them. Not pleasant�like trying to explain to mother how I could possibly do this her�

More convo with aunt J.�called Renfrew yet? Can only deal with one thing at a time, even if minor�need to clear stuff out of head�Always foggy and tired, a little less so than lately, but still especially so�know you don�t understand, don�t expect you too (don�t want anyone to), but do need you to respect that my brain simply doesn�t work like other people�s�

�TF posts�

Why exactly do I love and trust C. so much?? Let me down a lot. No one is perfect, but her weaknesses do drive me crazy, conservatism, not feeling listened to lately.�

Diane--Hyperaware of �boundary� issues�was I always? Was it working with you and difference from C.? Was it grad school (not that I spent very long there)?�no contact with CSPP, need to take care of things there, extend leave or just drop out/withdrawal??

Thoughts all over the place! Hypo-manic symptom? Except so tired, mood not elevated, moreso distracted, and forgetful but not so much like I can�t keep up with them, etc�

Ever gonna stop binging�tried to convince self tonight to at least take a day off, tried to enlist tweety�s help, ended up doing it anyway�post-midnight binges, have covered all hours of the day�quantity does seem to be lessening�list what I�ve consumed

Talking to s. about pills�getting to finish a sentence�never got to say anything about original addiction of lax, diuretics, diet pills�

Selfish, self-absorbed, that�s me�not so much self-hatred most of the time�acceptance�convo with s. about m., dorks (s.) vs. nerds (m.) vs. losers (me)�therapy and learning to stop trying to be someone you are not�amazing kid�

C�know better than to get into a contest of wills with you�conversely, she could be as stubborn as I�and what if she decided an �undefined relationship� was no longer in my best interest?????????

Stupid solitaire compulsion

Food vs eating�picky but as long as its not on my hate/will not eat list, not so much�all about biting, chewing, swallowing�like things that automatically take a long time to eat�plus cigs = major oral fization

3:30am
just had a bit of bloody discharge�me and s. and periods!...and boobs and vanilla cones and K.�contributing to wacked out mood and eating???

�conversatories�

obsession with documenting�related to reading old journals? To wanting to die? To not??

To C�having an online journal�why things are worded, explained a certain way�posting emails to it and coping entries to emails�sharing the addy�who reads it, notes�

C�s vs. Diane�s conception of relationship with S.

S. and sexuality and best friend and beyond friends and "lesbian bed death"

Being a librarian�

my attachment to GW, s. to D/H

New mix for C., copycatting, being a follower, S., ya�ll, J. vs. C., not fair she was going into Renfrew and not me

Editing out certain info in copying all this to C., paranoia re: 5150/302


08-21-2003
daydream, talking out loud, dawdling
�If I start eating animal products, I seriously AM going to kill myself.�
C. tries to commit me.
I�m in courtroom, trying to explain myself, quite calmly albeit characteristically sarcastically, etc.
Keep going on and on, connecting, stories�


�clever and facile with words�
maybe not no me, but replaced?
Like, not like�