// delerious maybe
| 08/14/2003 - 10:57 p.m. |

email to C., Wed, 08-13-2003, 10:43pm, Subject: Mwah.
>>Eek? Eek? Other choice noises?<<

Sure, any requests? Hahah. Actually, the usual mumbling of choice *words* has been directed more in my aunt j's direction as of late, not in her presence of course; we don't exchange many words at all, not so necessary as her vibes of hostility are loud and clear. But whatever�My sound effects are quite eloquent though, don't ya think?? ;)

>>(especially if your weight and intake are of significant concern--it is a point of interest to me that you neglect to say much these days about either).<<

For example, my nervous cough/half-laugh/grunting sound would be quite telling�But eh, ummmm, well rarely a topic or topics I tend to volunteer info on you know. Particularly when there is such a discrepancy between their relevance to me and focus for everyone else. However�
Intake--current staples of choice are my frozen pseudo-ensures (actually generic, um, slimfasts, cuz they are cheaper and a few ounces bigger for same cals, but otherwise the same) and my new obsession, mcdonald's ice-cream cones--soooo good�
Weight--Shitfuckshit. I'm having more than a little difficulty typing a remotely straight answer here. It's fairly low I guess�?

�sorry for the vagueness. I'm a bit embarrassed by it actually. But, hey, you didn't really ask a direct question/s. (<--and yes I know that�s a lame rationalization)

Anyways�ok, I will work on making myself call Renfrew. I am staying in WC tonight with S., and I have several excuses, oops, I mean things to do before we leave for NH/VT on Friday (like redyeing my hair, mwahahah, as well as doing laundry and otherwise leaving my minimal space at my aunt's looking non-occupied *roll*), but I know I'll be better off just getting the initial phone call over with too, so *more choice noises* ;)

Eekily yours--
M.


08-14-2003, 7:10am!, paper+pen jottings
Spent the night with S. at her aunt and uncle's (both out of town) in WC. Slept in their guest bedroom, but obviously up early. Didn't get out of bed yesterday until nearly noon; not much consistency in my sleeping habits lately.

Kind of a lot going on right now. This thing with C.--the "big NO" actually wasn't so much. I can't even explain really where things stand, but there has been some kind of shift, an improvement I think, in the last few days. Now I have to call Renfrew though...UGH *stomach ache* ugh!

Aside from that anxiety though, I'm back to not feeling much. Certainly my preferred state. Must be so frustrating for others though. S. will at times get quite emotional, either leading to or resulting from conversations of a certain nature, and I am just SO dead, so blase about all of it. I talk, I listen, I get it--but have next to no affectual response.

My aunt j. is clearly feeling a whole lot right now too. We don't talk so much, but her hostile vibes are too loud not to be taken notice of. She's stressed, her health is suffering, my mental and physical state seem to make her quite angry, and every little thing I do or don't do apparently drives her mad. Um sorry, I guess--all about avoidance on this one.--7:37am


nother email to C., Thu, 08-14-2003, 10:18pm, Subject: Delerious maybe
Hiya,
1--Sorry for the spazziness of my last email.
2--Definitely died my hair purple today.
3--McR. added topomax to my arsenal of pharmeceutical blanks. Haven't had a chance to research it at all yet, only know that its another anti-convulsant, it has a reputation for 'making people stupid' (I don't think I could get any dumber than I have at this point so whatever), and/but that S. likes it.
4--Actually was genuinely occupied all day in various productive and not-so ways and tomorrow have to take the mommom last-minute grocery shopping for Saturday's big event before getting on the road with S. in enough time to beat the rush-hour traffic in NY (of course who knows with the power-outage craziness), sooo...Monday, will call Renfrew Monday.
5--Which, by the way, don't believe I've mentioned, is when S. is scheduled to be admitted there. Yeah.
6--No idea why I'm writing in list form. Hope you have a good weekend, get some r&r, etc.

Feel free to respond ;-P
-Me


current time, a few notes...
...McR. asked if I'd been in contact with D. at all. I haven't. "Oh, so you just cut people out, just like that?" Well, yeah actually, I do. (It's an unfortunate skill of mine.) He found my answer amusing. He seems to find me often amusing in my nonchalance and whatever-ness, which I suppose I in turn find mildly amusing as well. Anyways, he then gave a typically long-winded and philosophical spiel to in essence say, it might be nice if I let her know how I was. Which I *have* actually planned on doing, dropping her an email, once I have something, I dunno, concrete, to report...

...Need to address in the near future (really need to get to bed now), with some honest exploration in writing/journaling at least, my recent pattern of DIShonesty, lying, thorough lack of integrity. Me and all my big talk. My behavior has gotten disturbingly hypocritical. Post-it note to self: ephedra, effexor, furosemide, lamictal, topamax (hell of a pattern)...

...Wonder if my mom talked to aunt j. again, said something to her about what I'd said about feeling very clearly unwelcome??...because she has been like ridiculously nice and pleasant tonight. Like she used to be even...