// hi (an email to "d.")
| 08/16/2003 - 10:14 a.m. |

d., as in my recently "fired" therapist in CA.

d., as i have always up until now referred to her here, being short for Diane.

i don't exactly know what the deal is with my in-some-instances-compulsive and yet also-sort-of-arbitrary use of initials--
but i figure to "reveal" her name now is symbolic in some way.

in what way that is i couldn't tell ya, but yeah...


Dear Diane,

So hi. Been a while, eh?

I had been planning to write you an email at some point, really when I had something more concrete to report than the various ramblings that I sense will ensue here.

But I had a phone session with McR. Thursday and he asked if I'd been in contact with you at all. Nope. "Oh, so you cut people out of your life just like that?" Pretty much. There was an amused chuckle followed by a typically long-winded and philosophically-toned spiel that I didn't thoroughly follow but I believe the point of which was that in his humble opinion it would be considerate of me to let you know how I am.

So I figured why not.

Actually I'm a bit unsure how "welcome" or what have you (this) contact from me is, but/so obviously you can respond or not as you wish.

It was the second appt with McR. that I thought would be the last. I did keep the appt scheduled while I was on the road (not much to say really about the move and drive--hardly a fun time but decidedly uneventful too) and he agreed to see me through till I had something set up for meds in Ph. I definitely don't yet and we decided to add Topamax to the mix Thurs as well, so I'll be talking to him at least one more time.

I've been in these odd, difficult-to-describe "negotiations" with C. over email in recent weeks. When the thought/fantasy of working with her again first occurred to me prior to the move back here, I was quite ambivalent as to whether I would really want that in reality and it seemed a far-fetched idea besides. Yet I hesitantly broached the subject with her and as things have progressed, well, if nothing else, I know she is what I need. It remains far from a sure thing at this point, there are a number of obstacles of various sorts, but its not out of the realm of possibilities either.

From C.'s perspective, one of the obstacles is me essentially, with one concern being my "readiness to be an outpatient" (*major rolley eyes* you can surely imagine, heh). And so--get ready for this one--I've agreed to call Renfrew for an evaluation. Eeeek and other choice noises. Once there is an "'objective' third opinion", she will at least meet me in person so we can "shape a reasonable plan" and communicate a little more effectively hopefully--email definitely has its benefits, at least for me as you know, but it only goes so far and has made the quality of our interaction as of late even more frustrating than it probably would be by other means.

The other big thing right now is that as fate or something would have it, S. moved to the Ph. area about a week after I arrived. Hardly under the best of circumstances either, a long story, but us being "together" is a definite upside. We hang out mostly every day, eat lots of McDonald's vanilla cones (my new obsession thanks to her--yum!), actually DO things, and for now at least, manage to make being alive at least tolerable for one another...

So this has gotten a bit lengthy...despite there clearly being any # of topics I've obviously avoided...;)

Hope things are well with you--
M.

ps--The hair is now purple. heheh