// desires + capabilities
| 05/30/2004 - 4:00 p.m. |

fri, 5-28-04, 5:35pm
("pre-rosenberg")

@ frew.
here quite early.
appt w/ r. not until 6.

basically wanted to increase chances of running into tacie.
and her car is still here.

esp. want her to see the hair, heh.
and tell her about the class too.

pat mentioned yesterday that tacie does ask how i'm doing every so often.
which i pretty much figured,
but was still nice to hear.

as was pat's 'validation' of registering for the class being a real important step.
and yes, at this point, kind of a 'big deal'

c.'s validation was very nice as well


we talked a lot yesterday about the 'early' 'warning signs'--
that perhaps i was setting myself up w/ the ca. thing.
that maybe i on some level 'knew' i wasn't ready.
and maybe not in as good a place, as strong, as i thought i was.
the fact that when i was doing 'well,'
when i made a big 'plunge' in starting @ drexel,
i had a lot more support in place,
including, especially, c.

i had more of a safety net,
people working with me in making decisions and such.

i was real aware of taking things slow,
not taking on too much too soon.

i told pat how at the time i had so thought/felt that it was the right thing
(ca., grad school, etc.)
even though i also, starting before i even left that summer,
had starting having those dreams, more like 'nightmares,' about gw.

pat seemed real focused on the fact that i had know very clearly that psych was my passion.
that i had been interested in it even before the e.d.
and was originally 'intrigued' b/c i was always just fascinated w/ people as individuals.
which pat noted was also a lot of what had drawn her to the mh field.

[[by freshman yr. in hs--
(at "the mount"--can you IMAGINE?!? hah)
--i'd already 'decided' i wanted to go to georgetown + major in psych.
georgetown didn't happen.
altho i got in, early admission, couldn't afford it.
and esp. being that i had large scholarships to other schools, including gw--
it made no sense to go even further in debt than we already were going to.]]

anyway, she talked a lot about my not 'giving up' on my 'dream,'
that i could still have it.
and i would know now to ensure that i had all the things in place that had helped before,
and taking it very slowly as i had.

i am definitely still very skeptical.
and feel a little bit like...
even though its very far off,
my even being ready to make a choice/decision...
that if i chose to go in a different direction...
she would be 'disappointed' in a way??

(cont. sun, 5-30-04, 3:45pm in cm)

...(yes i realize there is at least some projection in this.)

that she would see it as my 'wimping out,'
turning my back on what i really wanted, feel passionate about,
in lieu of a 'safer' route.

i guess repeating what i had described about my major-jumping in undergrad,
and the significance of making that last switch back to psych from info sys.

kind of i view eric as 'selling out' by going the law school, etc. way
vs. his claimed want of teaching history.
(and admittedly, in this judgment, not knowing the/his 'circumstances' by that time)

lots more 'stuff' w/in all that,
clearly,
but enough for now...