// items of significance 1: disclosures
| 07/16/2004 - 11:10 a.m. |

yesterday was...
significant enough that i'm at home,
ignoring the computer for a bit,
writing in a non-"pre-therapy" context


session yesterday did of course start off w/, uh,
what i had been writing about just prior.
but not for too long.

there was some kind of natural transition,
though i can't recall exactly what,
to where i've 'been'--
specifically having spent 2yrs+ in the depths of hell.

i'm no longer there.

and that, in truth, is pretty amazing in itself.

b/c when you spend that long, that deep,
in that much intense pain,
every second
of every minute
of every hour
of every day
of...

well, i surely, absolutely, saw no way out.

i'm still not sure how or why or when the slow climb up began.
but the relief of finally finding some respite cannot be overstated.

nor however can the fear of going back.

i'm still not all that far away.
i can still see it in sharp focus w/ a glance down.
+ w/ every shaky step up comes the terror.
that i may lose my footing and freefall...

so very cliche i know,
that "hindsight is 20/20"--
but its true that in looking back,
the signs were there,
the sequence of events leading up not nearly so mystifying.

only that in the moment i didn't have a clue.
i felt stable,
competent that i could do this--
take those risks,
test my wings in the big leagues.

and its frustrating that i couldn't,
that i can't.

not in the usual "its because i suck" vein.
but WHY.

why do I have to be so cautious?
why do I have to have this thing,
that i have to always be aware of,
that 'other people' don't?

why do 'they' get to make choices,
and do what it is they want in their lives,
w/o concern of the risk of having a meltdown?

why do I have to live within the limits of a goddamn
"major depressive disorder, recurrent, severe"???

there is no question that it is a chronic illness,
no chance of "cure" in my lifetime, only "management."
this is not an exaggeration, but indeed clinical fact--
the occurrence of one episode significantly raises a person's risk of another;
+ w/ each episode that probability increases;
and so w/ my long history,
the astronomical # of distinct episodes,
of varying length and level of severity (but rarely "mild")...
~noon


...(con't a while later, 1:45pm)
ok, so i got a little off track.
not that all the above isn't "significant" in its own right,
but its hardly new.

whatever--
that was the sorta stuff we were talking about.
i was a little teary-eyed, but not too bad.

anyways, the 'big' thing was that:
pat "disclosed" a period of time in her own life when...
well suffice to say, she "gets" it.
enough at least anyway...

...the pt. is she is not one of those who say they understand
and clearly don't have the first fucking clue.
she does and she shared some about it w/ me.
which i really, very much, appreciate.
on a # of levels,
it genuinely helps...

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