// drunk on food
| 08/21/2003 - 1:47 a.m. |

email to C.
Um, hi.

Definitely not awake or whatever enough right now to any more significantly respond to the sentiments expressed in your last email, but just kind of in the mood to write to you. Was thinking a little bit the other day about as much as I do have this craving for responsiveness from you, I also just need to put things out there sometimes, know they are heard/read. May or may not be necessarily "important" things, just whats going on in my head, and I want them to be known, particularly by you. There are probably specific reasons for this, contradictions/exceptions to be sure, but I don't much feel like delving into it *that* deeply right now. Was just thinking about it...

That being said, I *am* curious if you had any responses, comments, etc. re: the Diane emails, generally or specifically. Or not. heh.

Bro picked to go to Outback Steakhouse for his bday dinner. Whouda thunk **I** would find my perfect meal there?!?! O-M-G. Admittedly didn't eat all day as I could barely keep my eyes open and wasn't at all hungry. But I did say to my mom on the phone this afternoon that "frankly, I've kinda swung into I-don't-give-a-fuck-binge-mode" so please don't give him any trouble about picking a place that would have something sufficiently anorexic for me to eat (k, the latter were not my exact words, but you get the point). So I got this cheese fries appetizer (big-ass plate that we "shared" but I ate the majority of), a pasta dish with alfredo sauce and veggies that I demolished (can't remember the last time I had alfredo sauce--that's some good shit, yo), and cheesecake!! (you do know of my obsession with cheesecake?!) w/chocolate AND raspberry sauce--forget sex, I'm perfectly fine with my apathy in that department, cheesecake is all I need, lol. Again we "shared" it, again I ate most of it.

I'm still feeling quite over-stuffed and bloated, but eh. I don't know how much it actually sounds like, but it was a good heap of food. Not really a "binge" I suppose, and I think finally I'm going to go a day without one. Too soon to say for sure, because these past 3 nights I've been going for it sometime between 12 and 2am. A little weird.

Wow!! The Gymnastics World Championships are going on in Anaheim, CA right now. (Yeah, I had wanted to go to them, until not very long ago had planned on it, but anyways.) The womens team final is tonight and I've been following it online since I got home from dinner and as I've been writing this. The US team has gotten hit from all sides in the past week, seriously seemed cursed, one team member having to withdraw due to a nasty and lingering flu, and then 2 others suffering potentially career-ending injuries. Those left standing were less than stellar in the preliminary round. And yet...THEY JUST WRAPPED UP THE GOLD FUCKING MEDAL!!
Woot :-)

MmmmK, where was I...Another quick thought I had earlier--calling Renfrew next Monday. Yeah, I *know* I keep pushing it back, but this was actually a good thought I think. Cuz frankly I previously have yet to like mentally take the step beyond thinking of it as a hypothetical despite claiming to be committed to really doing it. And its already Wednesday night, and although I seem to be contradictorily verbose I am all kinds of physically discombobulated, like worse than usual, and I know damn well its not going to happen this week. But I do kinda want to get it over with sooner rather than later. Now why I want in any way to make this call I'm not exactly sure. Perhaps because I would like to get to see you sometime this decade. Yes, I realize ideally I would be gung-ho about doing it for me. But in the real world, at this point, if it gets me to act, it can't be a bad thing, right?? I dunno, again I'm not making another *promise* on the date, but am trying to at least make a commitment to myself in terms of physically making the call.

Whine time--I know you've heard me bitch about this a gazillion times over the years, but for the gazillionth month in a row I am bleeding (or at least spotting). Now, for actually being female, and a strongly identified feminist-empower-yourself-with-knowledge-etc.-sort, I really know embarassingly little about how my body works, but I sorta think the occurrence of this event is determined about midway through the cycle?? Which would have been just as I was closing in on my all-time lowest weight (yeah, I really *should* erase that). So WHAT. THE. FUCK. Excuse me, but talk about "irritating, frustrating, infuriating"

S. called me this morning. Could only talk to her very briefly as I had to get in the shower and drive my aunt to the train station, but at least I now have the #s to reach her at, and plan to give her a call back tomorrow.
She definitely didn't sound so good though, is having a rough time, signed a 72-hour notice yesterday.
Course that doesn't really mean anything in itself. Has anyone ever been IP like more than once and NOT signed and then rescinded a 72 hour?! heheh.
My gut feeling is really that she will stay. I mean she was extremely ambivalent about going in, but the fact is that although it was not her idea and she was getting pressure from various sources, there were not any particular negative consequences for her refusing.
She is certainly struggling, but there is definitely a significant part of her that *knows* (moreso than I it seems, blah) she does not want to live this way.
She again asked me, in a voice that nearly broke my heart, if I would visit her. I obviously had to say yes (I don't mean this like I felt guilt-tripped into it or anything. Just that I love her, she needs me, and of course I don't want to let her down). Maybe I'll go to one of the infamous M.H. friends&family groups?? heheh.

Well, I think that's the latest set of randomness I needed to clear out.
And for the record, I really do know how much I can suck (to be blunt...not so much a self-hating statement). I've been saying sorry to you a whole lot lately. Truthfully I need to stop. Because I very rarely mean it. If I did, then I wouldn't keep doing the same shit that I'm apologizing for over and over and over and again.
In the meantime, thanks is never sufficient, but its what I've got...

Night--
M.