// mixed? (longest yet? or just the craziest?)
| 08/22/2003 - 3:52 a.m. |

email to C.
Hello again...

Just got back from visiting S. Been composing another one of these in my head on the drive home. Have probably already forgotten 1/2 of it, but likely will come up with an additional 10 things to talk about as I go along. I'm "sorry" (shit, I know that I said I'd stop saying that, can't quite help myself, so putting it in quotes as a compromise) that I'm still not quite in the space to really respond to your last email. At least partly because there is this sudden flurry of *stuff* flying around in my brain. When I have to think, or am supposed to at least, nada, blank, nothing firing, synapsing, whatever, up there. But when I'm doing otherwise mindless things recently, its just WOAH, so much randomness. Can't even figure out where to start right now, which direction to go first, esp. as it all seems connected, all somehow necessary to explain prior to each other...or something.

Ok, first sentence I wrote was S., so I'll try that. So good to see her. I know it had only been what, 4 days? but it seemed SO much longer. Partly because we've been spending such large quantities of time together recently and just because of how intense our connection has become. ___

!!!!!!!!Another GOLD MEDAL interruption. American Paul Hamm just became our first ever World All-Around Champion! Hot diggity-dog, heheh. And full results aren't up yet, but I'm pretty sure the other U.S. guy in finals, my sentimental fave, Jason Gatson, finished top 10. Unfortunately had a fall on his second event but otherwise looks to have hit about as well as he can do. Pretty amazing story. Back around 97-98, he was this 18yo phenom, super-talented, poised to dominate the national scene, seemed likely destined for a long and successful career internationally. At Nationals in 99, it looked like he might finally knock off Blaine Wilson, who had already won 3 in a row. Then he landed his high bar dismount and blew out his knee, tearing his ACL and just about everything else. Pushed desperately to come back in time for the 2000 Olympics, but it just wasn't physically possible, and he failed to even qualify for Team Trials. Next few years, he keeps at, refuses to give up, but continues to have serious injury problems, and he's pretty much written off--it's a shame, people say, but its been too long, he'll never get it back. Then he shows up this year, wins an international invitational, kicks ass at a few more meets, places second at nationals earning an automatic berth on the worlds team, and here he is. I think he's made an individual event final or two here as well, so he's not done yet. Pretty cool, eh? Plus he's built like a mini-Mack truck and quite the cutie, lol.

___Back to me and S. You haven't said much, actually anything I don't think, about us or any of this, but in the past you always seemed I dunno, skeptical, about how healthy or something our friendship was. And being that she also moved here for reasons that I haven't really explained to you, but that were obviously not the best, and with her now being in Renfrew, well, I can only imagine what you might think about it. What I can tell you is that we actually ARE good for each other, we NEED each other, and frankly, we are keeping each other alive. We've always had a special sort of connection. I still very clearly remember the very first night I met her online, over 5 years ago now, and we were in a chat room with a bunch of other people, but *the two of us* just *clicked*. Like immediately. And ever since, yeah, its been complicated, and yeah, our contact has gone in spurts, but always, when we hadn't talked in a while and then we did, it was like no time had passed. In the past year tho, we have been more consistently in touch than at any other time since we first "met." And like I said, the intensity that was always there, has increasingly deepened, and just in the past month or so, like dramatically so. I can't really explain what we mean to each other (though its not nearly as inexplicable or frustratingly loop-throwing as whatever spell I suspect you cast on me a long time ago :-P), the level on which we understand each other. I'm pretty sure she is the best friend I've ever had. And I think you know how much having a "best friend" is something I've long very achingly craved for. She's recently said outloud to me that I am her best friend, multiple times. And god so little really touches me anymore, really gets into my heart, but that sure as hell did. No one has said that in a very very long time, and actually meant it in much, much longer. I think Jamie and I continued to refer to each other as our "best friends" well into our teens, but that was really pure nostalgia--we hadn't really been much more than acquaintances since we were 10 and just how emotionally intimate can you be when you're still in the single digits?

Anyways, we sat outside, chain smoked (yes, S. is suddenly a "smoker". I feel guilty like I somehow corrupted her, but really, though she has gone through very brief little phases in recent years, this more drastic change occured sometime *between* her CA visit and our Ph. reunion.) I gave her a bunch of CDs I had burned for her. I had brought my laptop so I could catch her up on various things, among them the email from Diane, my reply, and our (yours and mine) most recent exchanges. And of course, we talked about how she's doing. She *is* staying, which she isn't exactly thrilled about, but I dunno, I really do think, deep down, it is something *within* that is keeping her there. But theoretically, it is the shrink there she saw yesterday, who she had already been planning to see on an outpatient basis, and who told her she wouldn't see her if she left on the 72-hour. She was begrudging in her acceptance of this ultimatum, but she does seem to like this woman, thinks she's good. Name is S. R. Do you know her/know of her?? I was thinking I should maybe specifically check her out with this Renfrew thing...

To *your* last email S. pretty much said 'right on.' Yeah, I know, blah. To *my* blabbering, well, unlike you she does find me at least mildly amusing--ya know, we share both a certain spaziness and as always contradictory, darkness, in our sense of humors. But mostly she was like "what are you ON?" "are you manic or something?"...

And the thing is, if I didn't know better, if I wasn't so very clearly exactly the same in the majority of my symptoms, I just might think I was. And she said, "Maybe its the increased effexor?" Hmmm, maybe. Yeah, let's not get into how exactly I'm managing to independently of my prescription take extra right now. (*sigh* I am definitively ashamed to admit that, with all my big talk on the issue especially, I am having some particular issues of late in the area of honesty, integrity, et al. One of those things I really need to get around to exploring in a written but not-email-to-you form.) But I really think I *should* be on more effexor (My prescription is for 150 a day, which is really just barely a therapeutic dose. Relatively speaking, I pretty responsibly inched it up to 225-250. And I am well aware of the withdrawal problems associated with the drug.) S. thinks I should be too--yes, I know she is no licensed pharmacologist, but she does posess enough personal experience with just about every psychotropic drug in existence to have a certain level of credibility on the subject. During the phone session I had with McR. while driving cross-country, I asked him to increase my effexor. I do admit it was at least in part because of the slight appetite suppresant effect I thought I might be feeling, not that I said this of course. But that was basically his sole reasoning for not doing so. (Yet last week he put me on topamax, a drug even more strongly associated with weight loss, so go figure.) The main thing however is that effexor is the ONLY drug I have taken, since the zoloft stopped working, that I have felt ANY effect from WHATSOEVER on ANY of my SYMPTOMS.

I know this really doesn't sound so good, and there is some stuff I am still wanting to share with you here that will probably sound even worse to you, but its really all just *stuff*. That I need to get out. I do feel like my thoughts are going pretty fast at times. Its a little difficult to keep up even, but its not like I can't follow them, or they don't make sense. I mean I realize I've been really random, and kinda jumping around a lot, and I've gotten increasingly long-winded, and yet also a bit avoidant of some things, and obviously that you find my logic on the ED subject at least um, not so logical, but seriously, for the most part, the things that I AM saying, they more or less make sense???????

So we weren't really *seriously* talking about me being manic, and I kind of off-handedly said "or maybe I'm having a mild mixed episode?", and we said at about the same time, "thats when there's the highest suicide rate for bipolars." And S.'s all "be careful, you. don't do anything."
"Oh, please. I'm not."

And from there I started telling her about a "thread" I had "posted" in earlier today. Now this is probably like the worst time I could be talking to you in any depth about "my forums" and I probably couldn't pick anything worse from them to share with you, but it seems relevant at the moment, and my impulse control is clearly not so good in any number of areas lately. Also, these forums have been such a HUGE part of my life for the past year and a half and I think I have at most mentioned them to you offhandedly a few times, and that just seems wrong somehow to me.

Ok, so I'm going to try and give a little bit of background info without going too overboard, which won't be an easy task because its a complicated place, with its own very distinctive culture. Its not something I thing anyone could ever *really* understand who a--doesn't have a legitimate reason, to be there, i.e., an ED (wellll, or a *history* of an ED ;-P) and b--hasn't spent enough time with sufficient open-mindedness to "get" the intricacies and idiosyncrasies and such. Also I assume you are probably not familiar with any of it from a technological or lingo aspect so I'm just gonna put stuff in quotes and hope context is enough for you to get the basic gist. Basically its an ED "forum", a pretty big and reasonably diverse **community**, containing a bunch of specific forums (for each ED, various related issues, demographic groups, "off-topic" stuff as well.) I am a "moderator" for one of the forums, "Media Munch." I have "modded" a few others in the past, may or may not again in the future, but Media Munch has pretty much been my baby since it first got going. Although I've been a little um, absent, the last few weeks. I also have an unofficial sort of "job" with the forum in that I "own" a "ring" for forum members who have online journals at one of the big sites for that. (Yeah, I keep a journal online. Bizarre, eh?? That one will have to wait for another time. Trying to stay at least a little bit focused. *repeat to self*)

So there are lots of ED-related forums online, with lots of different philosophies on various subjects. What sets this place apart, what I love so much about it, is that above all else, it values freedom of expression, freedom of speech, whatever you want to call it. Censorship of any kind is absolutely the very last resort. And so obviously things can get ugly sometimes, its not all flowers and kittens, there are some who would classify us right along with those stupid stereotypical pro-ana twerps that were getting their 15 minutes of sensationalized fame all over the media for a while there. Whatever. But *mostly* its very supportive, very community oriented. However, the forum that is the epitomy of what sets the place apart is one that 90% of "posters" should probably never set foot in/click mouse on. Thats "Flameland." Originally just a place for "threads" to be sent from other forums when they got a little too heated, most now originate in there. There is plenty of political and other such debate, an outsider might think it pretty hateful but *usually* its just a couple old-timers doing their thing; general ranting about jobs or annoying celebs or other stuff that I definitely no longer have the patience to read; there is the unfortunate, the reason most need to be responsible enough to know to stick to the 20 or something other forums on the boards, interpersonal stuff that is sometimes just like siblings screaming horrific things at each other and then i dunno, going out for ice cream, lol, 10 minutes later, but others, can be pretty ugly for reals. Sucks, but just like in "real life" there are certain prices one has to pay for certain freedoms I guess. And then in maybe another category, I suppose, is what finally I'm sharing, the point of the past 3 paragraphs--definitely serious subject, sorta-serious about what they're saying, sorta-just blowing off steam...

Now I actually haven't been around the forums very much recently. I mean I log in a few times a day, just to see if any major drama or emergency is going on or anything, but not much else, certainly haven't done any of my "modding" work. If there IS any drama going, chances are good its happening in Flameland, so of course I always make a quick check in there. Today, I couldn't help but notice a thread titled, "suicide... big friggin deal *G* *T*, man will i be flamed! view@ ur own risk"
(I know the *G* and *T* each mean something specific, a new system for warning people about stuff that may be potentially "triggering", but yeah, I haven't been paying a whole lot of good attention, so I can't say quite what.)...
First post in the thread was by someone I don't really know on a one-to-one basis but I generally like her posts, she seems like a pretty smart and sweet gal--
[editing this out here as its not really my place to re-post it]

Skipping down a bunch of posts, "an_unquiet_mind" (that would be me) responds--
1--i'm not actually back yet or posting. its an illusion, all in your head, go get some meds.


2--fuck it, i'm with the ********.

its not that i don't get why it must be particularly devastating to lose someone that way, many of the reasons it might seem completely irrational to a lot of people, etc., etc.

but from a philosophical, and yes ethical as well, point-of-view, i strongly believe in human beings absolute right to control over their own lives and especially their own bodies

i also think this world and the human species fundamentally sucks ass, life is WAAAAYYYY overrated, and this obsession society has with extending life span, pursuing eternal life even, is thoroughly incomprehensible to me.

that being said, i'm a total hypocrite in that although i have a near-constant death wish, it is indeed the feelings of *other* people that thus far at least have kept me from taking any "active" steps towards fulfilling it.


seriously now, go get some thorazine or something. you are definitely seeing things.


ok, um, my "signature" currently reads--

out of town(8/15-17)...
**still out of commission for a few days more. my apologies. promise i will catch up on stuff (media munch forum and diaryland ring among other things) as soon as i can. thanks for your patience. love ya'll!**

--if that makes the beginning and end of my post make any more sense. or not.


...So I just got back from my I-don't-remember-what-# smoke break since I started this dang thing and its definitely 3:10am. The thoughts may be coming faster lately, but the getting them out of my head onto screen or paper--not so much. And then there is the obsessive reading and re-reading for typos. And always, I will later copy and paste it somewhere and inevitably find one anyway. I wonder how long does it take the recipient to read one of these? Not to mention comprehend it?? Like being a relatively normal person and all ;)...Compared to the last 3 days anyway, I was downright peppy "today". Pretty much fucking myself over there for "tomorrow." But goddess forbid I get some sleep before finishing. I really do think I only have one more little anecdote to tell though...

Suddenly aware of the current time, I realize the following (basically an extremely detailed daydream of sorts, and me literally talking outloud to myself for like 45 minutes) is perhaps more than coincidentally related to the above, i.e., it did happen later in the day. So I mentioned in the very beginning (like 4+ hours ago now my time) how my thoughts go a-running when I'm doing mindless things. I do think though that like "shower thoughts" are a pretty common phenomenon though, no?? So I'm in the shower late this afternoon, thoughts, shockingly I know, drifting to food, the massive amounts I've eaten in the past week, cleaning my aunt out, although there IS still some stuff in the freezer, some veggie burgers and such I think besides like seafood and I dunno what kind of meat, just gross stuff. I shower real quick though, so I'm really already back in my room now, drying off, getting dressed. Thoughts continue to a hypothetical email to you in which I write, "If I start eating/binging on fucking animal flesh, I seriously AM going to kill myself." And in this little daydream, you do take me seriously, like as an "imminent danger to myself" or whatever. And try to 302 me. So next I am at a commitment hearing I guess, and apparently testifying on my own behalf. Quite calmly, albeit characteristly sarcastic and 'Are you KIDDING me?!?!' But I'm talking and talking (as I said, literally, outloud, move back into the bathroom, brushin my teeth, gellin my hair, just noticin in the mirror my typical italian overuse of my hands while talkin, etc.) and explaining and explaining and telling various stories, and really really making quite good sense (erm, well, I think I was at least.) I'm sure you are quite grateful to read at just this moment that I am definitely too tired to even remember any of it currently let alone write it. Perhaps some other time, heheh. So honestly, the whole experience had me feeling a wee bit psychotic but it was nonetheless pretty interesting, lol.

Ummm...done?? Yeah, yeah, I think so.
Wait, just one tiny little thing...Small reminder that we would already be up to the magical 3rd again. Yeah, "sorry." I clearly realize, you might have nothing else but "M., You have finally and irrevocably gone head first over the deep end. So "sorry"--C.". But still, just type and send it for me, k's?? ;-)
Alrighty, done now.

Psychotic love--
M.