// kicks in the ass
| 08/20/2003 - 2:57 p.m. |

email from C., Wed, 08-20-2003, 1:04pm, Subject: re: Just real friggin long
M.,

For the record: you are clever and facile with words but I don't find anything remotely entertaining in the content of your messages. Alarming, irritating, frustrating, infuriating more accurately describe my responses.
When push comes to shove, you do not appear to take any of this very seriously-not the dangerousness of your symptoms, not the impact of this on the people around you, not the feelings of the people you say that you care about. If your goal is to dance around facts and evade help you can do that well enough without me.
And yes, I do expect that you will call Renfrew. Invest in yourself, M., whether you think you are worth it or not. You can't expect other people to invest in you, otherwise.
I am older and harder and I have less time for bs, but for the most part, you know what I bring to the table.

C.


reply to C., Wed, 08-20-2003, 2:18pm, Subject: sighs
*sigh*

I guess I deserved that.

Probably needed it too, though I'm not quite ready to fully own that one.

Ridiculously tired right now. "Just" the depression I think. But I have actually been much more active than usual lately and I guess it's catching up with me.

Baby bro's (heh, he's turning 19, but of course he'll always be my baby bro) bday is today, going out to dinner with him and mom tonight, a friend of his might come too. So trying to leave my bed as little as possible this afternoon in order to be remotely alert for that. He goes back to school this weekend, parents driving him out to Pittsburgh.

My aunt j's bday is tomorrow actually. She's treating herself to a day/night in AC and then spending the weekend in CM. I've pretty much cleaned her out of all the food that I like (there was a time when I at least had the decency to not devour other people's stuff, but I've apparently lost that inhibition), and the quantity of my binges do seem to have progressively, albeit not greatly, diminished with each day, so maybe by the time she gets back this little phase will have passed.

Anyways, will respond more significantly or whatever when I'm a little more awake...

SighSighSigh,
M.

~~~~~

an email from J., my closest friend from CA. well, ok, by the 2nd year I was there, basically my only friend...

Wed, 08-20-2003, 1:33pm, Subject: yep
M.,

Hey. I have been trying to contact you via AIM as I'm sure you are aware and I started feeling like a stalker which doesn't sit well with me. Told you I would send you an email so here it is. Wondering how you are doing, what you have been up to. If I'm being avoided, that's great - thanks. I really deserve that.

Anyway, I hope you are doing better and such. Things are, well, kinda status quo here.

Bye,
J.


my reply, Wed, 08-20-2003, 1:57pm
J...
Ugh. I'm sorry. Really, really, truly sorry.
Its just...so friggin hard, to talk...to whatever.
I miss you, I think about you...I'm just not ready to deal.
And you are absolutely right. You don't deserve to be avoided.
But truth be told, even at my healthiest, I tend to be rather selfish and self-absorbed.
That's not a self-hate thing, just one of those imperfections, that we obviously all have, that I am aware of in myself.
If you want to know what's going on, this is my journal addy: http://unquiet-mind.diaryland.com
I won't pretend it's not disturbing or I'm doing very well, but it is what it is...

Still love ya,
M.