// emails
| 06/14/2002 - 1:04 p.m. |

FYI--Back on the west coast now...

**email to c. 6/10--morning of, but before, flight back

Hey,
So I feel like I owe you yet another round of apologies. I'm sorry for taking up so much of your time, well all weekend, but particularly last night. Whenever I finish a conversation with you recently, I shudder at how whiny and helpless and selfish I realize I just sounded, blech.

After we hung up last night, I guess I still didn't have it all out of me, and I had this miserable, melodramatic "thing" w/my aunt. I dunno how to even explain but it was just like a really bad play, and I didn't finally leave until about 10:30 to drive back to **, w/ things still unresolved, and I owe her quite an apology as well.

Anyways, no one thought I should be driving at that point, but it was actually exactly what I needed to calm down and I thought a lot about our conversation. And I wonder if you always actually know what I *need* to hear, or do you just get lucky?? While we were talking, I was interpreting some things you were saying as basically that you didn't really have any faith in me. But on the drive home I thought about what you actually SAID and I thought about my own past statement about not feeling like I had the strength to do this again. I think I thought that if I didn't have the ability to climb back up again, or didn't believe that I did, that that would somehow keep me from falling back to a place where I needed to. Well, that obviously backfired. And I realized that what you were telling me (or at least I think you were) was that you do believe I have the ability, but you know, it would be ridiculous really for you to have some kind of blind faith that I will use it.

C., I still have no idea where I will find the strength or how or anything really, but I also know that I don't have any choice but to figure it out. I can't continue to live/exist/whatever like this and regardless of how much I wish I could, I can't die. There is nothing to do but fight. I was desperately trying to tune you out when you were talking about this being an "opportunity," but fuck you, you're right. In the pitch black darkness I'm currently surrounded by, purpose is a pretty meaningless concept, yet again I have no real choice but to find the meaning, to survive this, and if to survive this shit is to emerge stronger for it, I figure I'll have to come out the other end a fucking warrior, right??

I don't know if I'm making a bit of sense, and there is lots more I want to say anyways, but I need to be getting my ass in gear this morning. Basically, you are the strongest, toughest person I know. And I swear to you, that is the truth. I know you don't think I see you completely realistically, but the fact that I completely adore you doesn't mean I think you are perfect or that I don't see your weaknesses, to the extent that you let me. But for looking like a diva, heehee, your heart is unmatched. I say this both for you, because I know you are going through shit right now yourself, and for me, because all I have to hold on to right now is your example, and the strength to put one foot in front of the other is only what I imagine you give me...Ok, I am not getting any closer to a point or conclusion here I don't think, but I do want you to know I am thinking of you and PLEASE let me know when you hear anything from the docs!! Email or leave me a phone message. And hey, if you feel so inclined to make some sense out of my ramblings, I'd love to hear it as always. And I'll be in touch again soon.

My love, THANKS, and admiration--
M.

**email to c. 6/10--after arriving

> Thanks for your email. The news at this end is good. Hugs to you.

Well good news is of course good, but geez, talk about vague! :-P What does that mean exactly??

So yeah, I'm here. Trip was long and tiring, but uneventful. Its feels weird to be back here, sort of unreal. Anyways, I'm sure I'll have more to say tomorrow, but right now I need to get myself to bed.

Big hugs to you too!!

**email to c. 6/12 (mini-update)

Hey C.,
So, I saw D. yesterday. It went ok, nothing earth-shattering. She is still working on finding me a new psychiatrist, going to get in touch with the Stanford Mood Clinic, and I think is also going to look into who/where in regards to an ECT consult. I haven't called to make an appt w/the doctor yet, but I will do that soon. And I'll see D. next on Fri.

Otherwise, I am just feeling overwhelmed to be back here. I know I need to come out of hiding soon and start figuring logistical/practical shit out, but it takes me a while to come up with the energy, both physical and mental, for every little thing, and I'm feeling pretty worn out from the last 5 days or so.

So how are you doing?? Can you give me any more info than your last cryptic message?--remember I'm kinda slow right now, I need things spelled out for me! (kidding but serious here)...

Love ya,
M.