// "If you were my daughter...
| 06/09/2002 - 9:37 a.m. |

...there's no way I'd let you get on that plane on Monday." Yeah, well, if I were your daughter, I wouldn't be the fucked-up mess that I am. So I saw c. on Fri, and it was, as expected, INTENSE. I drove over 2 hrs to see her for about an hour and fifteen minutes, and then drove 4 or so hours from there to get down the shore. Still no word from the docs, but she didn't look very well to me. Not that she wasn't gorgeous as always [I still find it hard to believe that she does indeed have a daughter my age!] in her linen capri pants suit and heeled black sandals w/ her toe nails painted pink [could she BE any cuter? ;)], but she was looking pretty thin and pale to me.

Anyways, after we had said hi and stood there hugging for a min or so, her first words to me were, "You look like shit." Well, a-why thank you, and b-I TOLD you that. She said that she had mentally prepared herself for me looking bad, but that I looked worse than she could have imagined, and she swears she's not being dramatic. I don't know. I honestly think I'm seeing myself pretty clearly and to me I look very thin, I look bony, I look ill, but she was talking like I was about 10-15 lbs. less than I am. In fact she said to me, "There's no way you weigh xx lbs." Bah, I dunno.

We spent a few minutes in her office, but then we went outside and sat on the grass. Most of the conversation is sort of a blur--a lot of the same questions that I don't have answers for, the same concerns she had voiced on the phone. Mostly I sat there next to her listening, crying, really trying to absorb it, but with little luck, and not able to respond a whole lot. I was so excited to see her, but goddess it hurt to have her look at me like that and to have the first time seeing each other after so long be so overshadowed by my sharp and continuing fall from grace.

All of the sudden it was 3, and she was already supposed to be back in her office for a stupid conference call. I asked her if she could just hold me for a minute and she put her arms around me and I just bawled and she sort of rocked me and rubbed my back and I JUST WANTED TO STAY THERE FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER. And I cried that I didn't want to leave and she said I know and I couldn't believe that after not seeing her for so long it was already over and she said yeah, its been a long time, and it really IS wonderful to see you, even if you do look and feel like hell. And finally we got up and she walked me to my car, and because she knew I would never let go on my own, she just said "Ok" and gave me one last squeeze and walked into the building w/o looking back...

So I talked to her on the phone for a little bit this morning. She had traded messages w/ D. but hadn't spoken to her yet, but was hoping to do so later in the morning. So right now I guess I am waiting for D. to call me (YIKES!!), and then I think I'm supposed to talk to c. again later.

Its not that she necessarily thinks I *shouldn't* be going back to **, but she can't believe my family is letting me go tomorrow w/o any plans at all really about what happens next, who is going to be looking out for me, what I'm doing about school, what I'm doing with all that empty time if I'm not able to deal w/school or practicum, etc. The thing is, with my mom, and aunt j., and even aunt c., if I say "Back off," or even give that message nonverbally, THEY DO. And c. is like why the hell are they listening to YOU right now, you're just a little 90 lb (thats HER #, I weigh more) weakling w/ no muscle, you're not thinking clearly, you shouldn't be making any decisions! Both OUCH! and LOL! She wanted to know that if someone DID have the authority to stop me and did so, would I be relieved?? Well, I don't know and what does it even matter, because we both know that no one around me right now has that power. Not said but understood is SHE is the only one that has that kind of influence/"authority" over me, the only person I've ever really listened to--but she's not my mother and I know, that although she is the only person in my life right now taking ANY kind of initiative, the only one taking any sort of ACTION on my behalf, that she won't go THAT far.