// "forgiveness"...??
| 06/15/2004 - 9:50 p.m. |

tues, 6:57pm
(pre-group)

have to go inside early tonight, @ 7:15.
to do my "treatment plan."
oh.yay.


still have that shitty-cloud haranguing me.
a bit darker its gotten--
again @/after session yesterday...

ended up yet again in 'honesty' land,
self-hatred when 'straying,'
etc.

talked about "forgiveness"--
of myself and others.
i thought it was a concept i'd gotten a decent grasp on,
what it means.
don't think pat agrees--
not that she was much help in figuring out then what it does mean.
...


(note to self--remember to talk about:
'trust';
saying "fuck you";
her being "patient," re the doc, pills etc.--
wouldn't likely with 'anyone else';
'caring' more about me than i do...)


...in terms of other people, i feel like i have been able to forgive a lot.
not easily, not quickly, but still have.
i mean, i father even!!

one thing i know forgiveness does not mean is "forgetting."

as for myself, yes, a considerably more difficult, longer process.
but for instance--my ******** "issues" @ gw.
something that i felt perhaps more shame about than anything else in my life--
i have come to terms w/ it.
did some time ago.
i understand why it happened.
i've also had to "face it" in other circumstances + was able too...


(7:25pm)--yeah, that was f.u.n.
@ least i was honest re the pills,
and that i had cut once.
(i've been having more/stronger 'urges' to again lately...)


anyway--the gw thing.
was not going there w/ pat.
the most she got me to say about the "something" was that it occurred in 96-97.
its not that i wouldn't ever be willing to tell her--
but i wasn't prepared to right then.

+ it would feel "safer" i think,
when i'm ready,
to perhaps write it + have her read,
that saying it--
often the case for me.

to my memory, i haven't ever really written the whole story.
only person i ever told all the details to was c.
(maybe i did write it then??)
~7:35pm