// Just real friggin long
| 08/19/2003 - 4:49 p.m. |

email to C.
Howdy C.,

Yeah, my mood is still at some odd delirium-tinged location on the continuum. Also still reallll tired from the weekend. And have a wicked sore throat--reason not exactly a mystery to me, and the, er, clues, are sure to be there somewhere down below.

So the weekend. The overall balance I'd say was on the plus side. There was me, there was S., there was me and S. together, so obviously there was some drama and general fuckedupedness. But again it was me and S. together and we make the best of it. My body does not much appreciate extended periods of time in cars or sleeping on floors or sitting outside all day long on hard plastic folding chairs drenched in sweat (even if it is albeit grateful for the modicum of relief provided by the fact that its under a tent and *that the music is worth it*).

S. was on-and-off freaking out over the looming Renfrew admission. Me, I wasn't freaking out at all. Just acting like an idiot for the hell of it. B/P-ing like it was my job. And NO, it WASN'T because my body is starving. I very calmly deliberated and decided to do so, ate really ridiculously slowly (not really possible in my experience when I'm ravenous), doing the chewing-VERY-thoroughly- and gulping-liquid-between-every-mouthful-thing to ease the passage back up. And NO, I didn't HAVE to PURGE, I'm not scared of food or calories or pounds or any of that shit. It's just something to do. And my gag reflex is about as likely to tell me to fuck-off anyway (i.e., on the trip home Sunday) as I am to be too lazy to even bother. Like when I finally got home Sunday night and again last night, just lalala strolling around downstairs eating my aunt's food and then going straight to bed.

And so I've definitely gained 6 pounds since Friday. And so I definitely haven't called Renfrew yet. And so I really shouldn't bother explaining why the juxtaposition of those 2 statements are NOT evidence in support of your claim that I need to; I know you either don't even listen or just dismiss as rubbish (can't decide if that sounds like a 'C. word' or not, heheh) at least 1/2 of what I say lately...

But ya see, its not that 'oh, I'm so fat' or 'I'm such a disgusting pig' or any such other ED bullshit. I know you will continue to maintain otherwise, and likely most any 'professional' will agree with you, but *I* will still maintain that I do NOT have a diagnosable ED. I DON'T have the mentality. Sure, I could tell ya the ED-thought and -emotion that go with any given situation, because I've been there, done that, thought/felt that. Hell, I might even experience it on a *SURFACE* level, like choose to press play on the old tape, just because I like fucking with myself. But there is nothing *ingrained* or *compulsive* about any of it, the behaviors included...

Flipping back for a moment. Renfrew. I have this sneaking suspicion you may be planning to not reply to any of my emails until I make this call/set up the eval?? Hope I'm wrong. Cuz A--Its definitely at 3 unresponded-to emails in a row (there's already been 2) that I usually get all wacked-out; and B--I would be reallll tempted to NOT call until you DID reply. Which would be totally uncharacteristic of me, I know, to play games and all. *totally deadpanning it*

Dude(tte), do you at least get some amusement out of my emails?? I always wish I could watch you read them. Partly because of all the ones that go unanswered and the others in which the "juicy" stuff doesn't get replied to, so I kinda wish I could get some visual cue of what your written response might have been or something. But also, I hope I give you a laugh here and there instead of making you shake your head in annoyance and frustration. Ok, ok, I guess it would be an impossibility that you didn't do the latter, but is there some of the former in addition maybe? Come on, admit it, my insanity IS entertaining, yo!!

K, flipping back again. I suppose it would be a perfectly logical question to ask, if I don't actually have an ED, why then do I act so much like I do, eh? Wellll, given my history, the behaviors are certainly a natural choice, my first language one might say (I could probably use some ESL classes, heh), as a means to try and cope with the depression, it being a given and all that it wouldn't much occur to me to go for options of a non-self-destructive nature. The difference this go-round is that its frankly all a big game to me (always the kid I am, just wanting to play, haHAH). The starving and/or fasting and/or restricting versions are usually the acting out of one of the closely related games of "I-wanna-die-how-close-can-I-push-myself-to-that-end", "Don't-eat-don't-feel", "How-looooooowww-can-I-gooooooooo", etc. The b/p-ing, when the latter is more emphasized than the past few days, is like "I'm-a-big-mess-anyway-so-lets-see-how-much-more-I-can-fuck-myself-over", or more simply, "Just-how-much-of-a-total-fuck-up-am-I".

Now, all of this more-binging/less-purging I'm not so sure about. Maybe it�s a new game. Like I-don't-fucking-want-to-call-Renfrew. But-if-C.-insists-obviously-I-fucking-will. But-maybe-I-can-eat-my-way-out-of-it. I don't know exactly, but that *would* make sense.

And the correlation between a sudden and ridiculously large weight gain and not making the stupid call yet?? Well, shit, I'm not going to claim I don't still *like* losing weight or looking "like a 10 year old." (That's a quote from my aunt j. I keep meaning to correct her, that 12 *maybe* but I'm just an inch or so too tall to fit into a kids size 10 pants, so there :-P) A few things come immediately to mind to try and explain what it means to me. One is the snippet I've copied below of a journal entry I wrote some months ago, while home for the holidays last year and down in CM for a few days, that I also forwarded to Diane, and a portion of her reply that indeed did make a good deal of sense.

Subj: um, a rambling journal entry Date: 12/23/2002 2:09AM
...12-23-02. 12: 41am
...I was/am tired, but as soon as I lay down I felt equally antsy. Uncomfortable, not in any definable, concrete way, just uncomfortable in my own skin, in my body, in this body that I try so hard to keep separate from (and usually succeed). Feeling "fat." Meaning in the physical sense that yes, I know I'm far from fat, but still I feel expanded and soft, and legitimately so. I actually *didn't* bring my scale to CM, so I dunno how much further the number jumped in the last 2 days, but I have packed back on a significant amount of weight in just one week. And I'm *always* 'soft.' Any muscle I once had is an ancient memory. But really I mean, who fucking cares right? Why do those physical sensations make me so nuts? Ok, fine, why does my nuttiness express itself in such an annoying fashion?...

...Then one more week and I'll be back in California. And still feeling like hell. A year after the first time I returned from the holidays not at *all* rested or relaxed, and decided fucking around with my eating was a dandy way to cope, just until the depression lifted, cuz of course it was going to like any day...

Subj: Re: um, a rambling journal entry Date: 12/24/2002 12:38AM
...I can't tell if the cutting "helped" this time, you just sound miserable. You sound as if you need to be soothed and can't find any other way to get that. I think maybe the "soft" body feeling makes you anxious because there's an unboundedness to it that isn't really about being fat, but about being un-contained, not "held" in the way you need to be. I don't know how much sense this make to you -- email therapy isn't really my forte...


Another thing is that there just seems to be so very very little left of me, of anything, inside. One thing that does remain though, is my appreciation for symmetry, shall we say. So it would be logical then that if the contents are minimal, so too should be the packaging.

And besides, if people are going to insist that I have an ED anyway...and I am just drooling over the prospect of seeing you and hearing the "'E' word" thrown around (hi, my name is sarcasm), then at the very least I figure my weight should meet medical criteria for such. Take a look at the DSM criteria by the way, you can at *most* make an argument for EDNOS. So yeah, I admittedly feel a little compelled to 'stabilize my eating and weight' a bit before calling fucking *Renfrew*. And yes, I realize that the connotations implied with my use of that phrase are pretty much opposite to how you would use it; exactly why I chose it of course.

To re-beat the dead horse, I relate to you in a manner completely contradictory to every other person I know, i.e., you asked me to do something, I said I would, and if the request remains, I will do so, and relatively speaking, sooner rather than later. I guess I will try by the end of this week, but I'm not going to make a promise on the timeline again that I know I might not keep. I know its just a friggin phone call, but under the best of circumstances, I think you know such things are abnormally complicated and difficult for me. In this case, as I've already noted, I need a little time to make some uh, minor physical adjustments, as well as do a little more research just for the sake of satisfying my obsessive nature, prepare my little phone script, and just flesh out a few things in my head. One of them being that S. is now there, and I realize that makes absolutely no difference, but somehow it just feels a little strange to be contacting the same place.

I know I make a lot of little digs or whatever about how often or just how you respond to my emails. I just wanted to say that I do realize you are very pressed for time and energy too, and I tend to throw massive amounts of shit at you, and what moderately sane person could be expected to have any idea what to say to some of it besides?? Mostly my little comments are just me being me, the bratty one.

And though my brain is most often totally blank, out of order, when it is remotely functioning, it tends to be stuck in the mode of endlessly composing the little gems that get compiled into these grand monologues. This one is even more insanely long than what has been usual lately because there is 5 days worth of junk to clear out I guess.

And there is still more floating around up there. I kinda need to do some journaling rather than exclusively writing in email form. And there are some issues/events/topics I need to explore on my own, at least before sharing them. One thing I do just want to mention though is that I had this major lightning bolt thought/idea on the drive up Friday. Not ready to divulge the details but in the moment, I began telling it to S. by saying, "If I decide to live�maybe *that's* what I should do?!?!" Oohlala, have I peaked your curiosity, heheheh??? I suppose the "if I decide to live" and the way in which I talk so cavalierly about death and wanting to die is quite disturbing to you and most others. But its been a long long time since it was frankly even a question, since I thought about the future at all in even a hypothetical manner, so maybe something is starting to change?? Maybe?? And of course, "if I decide to live" quickly became our new phrase of choice, hah.

Ok, one last thing (I think). I dunno if you're really interested or not, but am copying below an exchange of emails I had with Diane the past few days. I think they are pretty self-explanatory and I feel pretty ok about them.

Thinking 'bout ya, et al.--
M.

~~~~~~~~~~

as noted, copied the set of emails I posted in my last 2 entries here, with a couple of random, irrelevant comments tacked on...