// fuck.fuck.fuck.
| 06/06/2002 - 12:41 p.m. |

I am seriously going fucking crazy here. Didn't hear from c. on Tues. Yesterday just got brief email saying she didn't have any news yet and to give her a call today. So I left a message this morning. Finally, she called me back around 12:45 or so. She still didn't have the lab results from the doctor, but I did find out that the worry is a recurrence of the colon cancer. Then we started talking about me and how shitty I'm doing and what is being done about it, which is basically nothing at the moment, and she's asking me a lot of questions, none of which I have answers for. All I can do is fucking cry and say "I don't know." She is still skeptical about me going back to ** right now, but also acknowledges that being here doesn't seem to be a great situation either, so I don't know WTF I am supposed to do. We still hadn't said anything about whether or not I might get to see her, and then she was being paged, and said she would call me back shortly. Well, its now quarter to fucking 4 and I was supposed to leave at 2 for the shore if I was gonna go today and I left her a voice mail an hr ago, telling her I needed to make a fucking decision, and she hasn't fucking called me back, and I am FREAKING OUT!! I am w/o exception a mess whenever I talk to her, hell whenever I fucking think about her, so I was all worked up when we got cut off, and though after all these years I should be used to waiting for-fucking-ever for her phone calls and KNOW that she is never going to call when she says she is, it makes me hella anxious, and the reason I'm still sitting here waiting is because even though I am almost positive I am NOT going to see her, I got my hopes way up anyway, and so when she finally calls back and says no or I finally fucking realize she ISN'T going to call back today, I'm going to feel even more shitty that I didn't just leave. And I cut a little while ago, which I feel really ashamed about, just to calm myself down and make the time pass, but I still feel like I'm losing my mind and she's still not calling!!! Fuck, fuck, fuck! And as always its insane how goddamn dependent I am on her, and its not even her fault but I fucking hate her for it anyway, I hate that anyone can make me feel so fucking much w/o even doing anything, and hating her hurts like hell too of course, cuz I just fucking adore her with this completely irrational intensity. And I know that she loves me too, but it never feels like enough to me, because I still yearn for her to be my mom, my MOMMY actually, and she can only be what she is, and give what she has...but why aren't you fucking calling me?!?!