// a letter to d.
| 06/04/2002 - 6:32 a.m. |

D. is my *current* therapist of 4-5 months now. When this current depression started back in early Dec., and then I came back to school after the holidays and still felt really bad, I did all the stuff I knew I was "supposed" to, including finding a therapist. And I like D., and think she could really help me *if I would let her*, but well its been rough. Anyways, this is the letter I wrote to her yesterday and am mailing today:

Hi D.,

First, I just want to thank you for your letter. I really appreciated it. Other than that, I'm just writing to give you a heads-up on how I'm doing, which is basically shitty, horrible, the same if not worse. I don't know what I really expected coming "home" to do for me, but whatever it was it hasn't happened. My days are spent almost exclusively holed up in "my" room at my aunt j.'s in **, on the computer, lost in my online world, but still ignoring all communication from my friends, from people I actually *know*. Well except for c., but SHE is ignoring MY emails it seems, so I feel like I'm just talking to myself there. Last time I heard from her, about 2 weeks ago, she thought there was no reason for me to return to **, considering the shape I'm in, and that I should find a therapist, etc. here. For that and other reasons, I spent that afternoon hysterical, bawling my eyes out for hrs. This was also the same day I got your letter, which was actually one of the things that helped me calm down.

There is a big part of me dreading coming back. It is much easier to ignore my life when I'm 3000 miles away from it. I don't feel capable of dealing with, well, anything. But it's not like I'm getting better here, and in ** at least, I obviously already have a therapist. And well, not to put too much pressure on you or anything, heheh, but thats about the only reason I'm returning as scheduled.

Since I started writing this letter (its been a stop+go effort), I finally heard from C. I hate how she always has such valid reasons for being out of touch, lol. Anyway, one thing she was wondering was if I, or anyone, had thought about ECT. And it is something that has crossed my mind. Its a somewhat scary idea, but not 1/2 as frightening as my current existence and so I think I agree with her that its an option I should give serious consideration to.

So I guess thats it. Bottom line--I'm miserable, I'm terrified, and I'm desperate. And, well, I guess I'll see you soon--
M.