// historical boredom
| 05/05/2004 - 1:07 p.m. |

tues, 5-4-04, 7:11pm
(pre-group notes)

somehow yesterday, the entire session, minus the 1st 5 minutes,
was centered on family shit.
which is so utterly boring to me.
of all the things that seem so repetitive after all this time,
all that stuff is probably the most.

it kinda got started by accident.
and then each thing just led to another.
and i realize its important for pat to have a handle on the 'historical,'
but for me its just so emotionally irrelevant by now.

so, we were just doing the initial what have i been up to over the weekend + that whole routine.
i was saying how sean got home sunday for summer break.
and like WHOA!, i actually went out w/ him + mom.
and for dinner no less!
pat's like, "wow--congratulations!" LOL.

and then she was asking what my bro is like.
and i started by describing him physically--
including that he's still a skinny little runt

'how are your parents built?'
well, we basically both got my father's genes in terms of body type.
that led to my father's eating + exercise habits.
which from my perspective are a tad on the obsessive side...~7:27 pm

cont. wed, 5-5-04, 12:47 pm

...the primary motivation for him being his long history of recurrent bladder cancer.
leading to issue of my parents keeping it some big secret until i was 15 or so.
and that was likely mostly my mom's doing.
her tendency to keep things secret because she thinks she's being protective.

(regardless that:
a) i don't need 'protection', never did, about such things--
it's only my OWN shit i can't handle; and
b) it's a general/universal truth that silence always backfires)

nevertheless, it's what she learned growing up.
specifically regarding the circumstances of her dad's death when she was 14.
how the family 'dealt with' it after (i.e., they didn't)...

and it just went on and on (and on and) from there...