// Pasts, futures, and in-betweens
| 09/01/2003 - 8:42 p.m. |

email to C.
Hi C.,

Hope your weekend was good. A pretty slow one here.

Got the insurance form I spoke of on Friday. Doesn't seem particularly complicated (*fingers and toes crossed*). Will be faxing it to McR. tomorrow and leaving him a voice mail; and already had a phone session set up for Thursday, so hopefully it can be fully taken care of with him then.

Saturday was a zillion errands for myself, aunt j. and mommom. Sunday, I bailed on a small family dinner to visit S. I was supposed to go with her and a group of other 'R.-ites' on a little outing to P.M. Mall, but S. was feeling pretty ill and looking decidedly green when I got there so the two of us just hung out�

*sigh*
She is definitely not doing so well.
Just wants to get out. Lose the minute amount of weight she's gained thus far. Period.

Please understand that what I'm about to say isn't me being "in denial" or trying to prove any particular point or whatever. Just my sadness at her frame of mind and clear awareness of how it differs from mine.
She was more fully honest with me yesterday about the extent to which she really is in the "anorexic *mindset*".
Stuff like "I can't ever not be a size 0 again." Shit, I don't think I've said or even really thought that sort of thing since my very first stint at Bt.
Much more too. Things that on an intellectual level I understand because I've been there, but I so don't *connect* to currently.
I just looked at her, and said, "S., when did it get this bad again??" Farther back than I realized apparently.
And after all this time, she still can't let go of this idea that she could find a way to be a reasonably "healthy" functional person without *really* letting go of her ED.
"I don't want to be 'sick'", she says, "but I can't give it up either."
What in the fuck does that mean?!?

I know I've harped on the point of not so much having the associated ED thoughts/feelings/etc. and regardless of whether other people *get* the difference or "buy" it or what not, I know what's true and sometimes that has to be enough.

I also mentioned to you before the half-serious/half-tongue-in-cheek, "if I decide to live�" thing (copied relevant section of email from a few weeks ago down below to refresh your memory, heh)...
And for me, the most OBVIOUS "then" is bye-bye to the ED *behaviors* as well.
I know full-well there is no such thing as half-assed recovery, no balance to be found between a "life" and an "ED".
And I know deep down she knows that too�I just don't know which she wants more :-(


Tues, 08-19-2003, 4:48pm, Subject: Just real friggin long
...One thing I do just want to mention though is that I had this major lightning bolt thought/idea on the drive up Friday. Not ready to divulge the details but in the moment, I began telling it to S. by saying, "If I decide to live�maybe *that's* what I should do?!?!" Oohlala, have I peaked your curiosity, heheheh??? I suppose the "if I decide to live" and the way in which I talk so cavalierly about death and wanting to die is quite disturbing to you and most others. But its been a long long time since it was frankly even a question, since I thought about the future at all in even a hypothetical manner, so maybe something is starting to change?? Maybe?? And of course, "if I decide to live" quickly became our new phrase of choice, hah�.


So I never did tell you about my "grand idea" and I really haven't given it hardly any thought myself since, but it is rather interesting/funny/bizarre. I was taking a turn driving on our way up to NH/VT a few weeks ago and Sarah was talking about her friend Q., her roommate from freshman year I think, whom she had hung out with the night before. I met her once a few years ago, remember thinking she was cool, but definitely fucked-up as well, heheh. Anyways, Q.'s latest life/career plan is to become a librarian apparently. Then there was a minute of silence, followed by me going, "S.?!...If I decide to live�maybe *that's* what I should do?!?!" That would be the 'funny' part I guess.

I don't think I have ever in my life considered such a thing, but in that moment at least it made perfect sense. A perfect fit with my temperament, love for books, obsessiveness when it comes to research and gathering information (w/o the associated anxiety of integrating it all into a !!paper!!), etc. And it seems the sort of thing one could combine with another particular interest/passion, say work at graduate psych library or something. So that covers 'interesting'.

'Bizarre' is clearly the fact that Hello?!?, my father is a fucking librarian. Could you IMAGINE?!?! He also got his masters in library/info science at Dr., which is one of the top programs I believe, and I mean obviously looking faaaarrrrr into the future here, many hypotheticals involved, I could sort of see myself going there as well. Which again, would be bizarrely full circle or something.


Anyways, I'm still surely 'calmer' than a few weeks ago, but clearly remain in odd sort of head space too. I know you didn't get/read my 2nd email from Friday before you left, but copying it again here anyway and unsubtly bolding a certain section *wink*wink*

Hugs--
M.

~~~~~

subject of that email was 'Better news?!?' and can be found here...section i bolded was, so typical of me, the last paragraph...