// intolerable
| 09/24/2003 - 9:52 p.m. |

email to C., 12:56 AM, Subject: ...because things didn't suck enough already.
Well hi.
A lot of things I could say�but I won't.
Stick to relaying the basic descriptives of the latest avalanche to bury me�
Not that I expect any sympathy, hint of comfort, or anything really�

Basically, I am or will soon be 'homeless' again.
It seems everyone else in the whole damn world (well family anyway) knew how apparently intolerable it was to my aunt to have me living in her house�everyone but my mom and ME.
That is until j. called MY MOM yesterday and told her she wanted me OUT by next week.
Her list of complaints were endless.
And plenty of them, I admit, completely justified. I suck to live with in the best of times�
So it was hardly necessary for her to flat-out make shit up in addition, but whatever.
For her to not say a single word to me about any of it, to have been essentially trashing me behind my back to my aunt c., mommom, and whoever else for weeks, to not have the decency to have a single face-to-face discussion or any other kind of communication with ME�well I don't really know what the appropriate words to describe that are.

So she makes this announcement, by phone, and again for the record, to my mom, yesterday.
And my mom, shell-shocked, calls me.
And I of course do the only thing it would be in character for me to do--throw a bunch of stuff in my car and get the fuck out of there.

No emotional reaction at first�until I called S., and found out not only could I not crash with her for the night, she couldn't even come meet me to just be with me.
Long and pretty much irrelevant story, her current living situation isn't a whole hell of a lot better than mine right now (she's signing an apt lease tomorrow, to move in oct 1, however, so HER troubles in that dept. are nearly over) and there were other complicating circumstances as well�
and I know it wasn't FAIR or "right" of me--becarse if it was *possible* for her to be there for me she would have been--but I couldn't help *feeling* hurt regardless--how many times have I dropped everything because she needed me, been willing to blow off anyone else simply because she takes priority in my heart??
Again not "fair" of me in the situation to demand the same, even if only indirectly, and by today I was over it�
I think it's just that rejection of any kind tends to trigger me into projecting it onto every other person/situation/response as well as if *everything* is personal, everything is all about me.

Wait, you mean its not???

Anyways�I go meet my mom in the parking lot of a Barnes&Noble.
We sit in my car, smoke, don't say a whole lot.
She has a few ideas of where I might spend the night or a few days if necessary...among them WITH HER in THAT HOUSE.
None felt tolerable.
Nothing in terms of ANYTHING felt tolerable, but that's hardly a new experience.
There was another phone conversation between her and j., which started out with my mom at least trying to stay calm and diplomatic�but it uh, quickly disintegrated.
My aunt has yet to speak/write/anything a word to me�and I am certainly not in a place where I have the strength or desire to do so.
I ended up staying the night by myself in a motel.
I came back to my aunt's this morning to begin erasing any sign of my presence, and once I complete that intend to spend as little time within these walls as possible, to basically do nothing here but sleep and shower.
Until I figure out where the fuck I am going to go.
No, I have no idea.
I went out with my mom tonight, and my aunt was in bed by the time I returned (thankfully), so I haven't actually even seen her since Sunday.


And that is the story thus far of the latest in the ongoing series of: how-in-the-hell-did-(i-let)-my-life-come-to-this???
You've got plenty of company to be sure on the list of people I have managed to alienate, lose, send running, etc.
The only people not on that list actually are S.�and my mom, who as usual is a--the one who gets directly shit on, and b--the only person I can rely on.


Oh, and the insurance situation is still not resolved. They sent an extremely vague form letter requesting more documentation, very unclear as to what they want/need, and before we (ok, my mom) got a chance to find out�well all of the above slapped us in the face.


So, yeah.

Trying to restrain my passive-aggressiveness but it keeps popping out anyway--
M.

~~~~~

she read it at 8:52am this morning.
the 4th email in a row she hasn't deigned to even fucking acknowledge.

i am currently very sleep deprived and very very very fucking pissed off at every molecule in the damn universe.
if i had the words i could rant for eternity.
that my aunt is a two-faced lying psycho and i am more convinced than ever that my whole existence is tortuously pointless will have to suffice for now.