// vegging...(and bullshitting)
| 09/15/2003 - 7:38 p.m. |

email to C., 11:30am, Subject: Vegging...
That was pretty much my weekend.
Other than a few errands, did absolutely nothing.

At least in part, it was the to-be-expected post-bday 'slump'
My pattern of being revved-up/anxious before, then mini-crashing after.

And it took both my body and mood a few days to recover from Bertucci's.
I mean in this case, it was worth it I think.
But my gi/digestive system currently doesn't much appreciate all that "real" food, and lets me know it for several days after a restaurant meal of any significance�not to mention all the damn sodium. Ick.
And my mood, well that�s been the whole point really of all the 'ed' behaviors these last 2 years (2 years�damn.), and any time I go out of my comfort zone, well I definitely feel the effects�

But I'm basically 'ok'
Continuing to manage to just suck it up and *deal*, ya know.

Here (and thinking of you there, heh)--
M.

~~~~~

i got a read receipt less than 1/2 hr after i sent it.
but still no reply.
this is what i wrote/vented on friday (not for sending purposes *clearly*) when it was clear i'd be getting no responses to my previous 2 emails either:

5:10pm
I hate you, I hate you, I fucking HATE you.
You couldn't take 2 seconds to say something approximating 'happy birthday.'
I bet you don�t want to see me AT ALL. I'll get the insurance shit straightened out and you'll just come up with another excuse.
Bitch.
Why do I let you do this to me? Trigger me this way--to feel this way, to eat this way (so much for "F1", binged on the bruschetta and breadstick leftovers, chocolate cake, a fuckload of Dove chocolates and mini-Milky Ways).
Why why WHY?
You fuck with my head, even if you have no idea its happening.
Or do you???

I hate you, I hate you, I FUCKING LOVE you still bitch.

11pm
I ate more fucking chocolate.
I feel like hell.
NO MORE GODDAMN FOOD.
Post-birthday, post-big-meal CRASH.

so basically, i'm full of shit.
i'm not ok, i'm not managing, i'm "feeling" real fucking depressed.
i ordered phen on sat., so clearly my 'remaining stable' spiel is a flat-out lie.

and i am so pissed at her, and so hurt, and i won't say a fucking word about it.
because our connection feels so frighteningly tenuous right now, and i'll do whatever i have to, say whatever i need to, play any game she wants, in order to keep it from fraying any further.
pathetic, yes.
likely to change, no.