// just...never stops...
| 09/26/2003 - 4:34 p.m. |

email to C., Thu, 09-25-2003, 11:11pm, Subject: Just...
�hi again I guess.

�and wondering�because I can't help not�if there is something I did or said to provoke this level of unresponsiveness�???

I really don't mean that to sound 'demanding' or what have you�I just�
I'm just feeling particularly sad and lonely and defeated and self-loathing and not capable of rationalizing any reason for the lack of even the briefest note or acknowledgement other than my absolute unworthiness of anything/one.

And this email, typically pathetic and whiny and oh-so-repetitive�blahblahblah.


As always, I am thinking of you, hope you're doing all right�

M.


her reply, Fri, 09-26-2003, 8:15am
Dear M.,

I don't know what to say to you. The status of your living situation is hardly a surprise--it is amazing to me that your aunt put up for it as long as she did. It is a tribute to your inability/unwillingness to deal with the reality of your situation that you did not see it coming. It does not appear to me that your mother is in much better shape than you.

I have little ability to remain patient and understanding with your passive response to the mess that you are making of your life. You are eligible for MA. I don't understand why you don't go to Bt. or, if you are unwilling, why your mother does not 302 you. Scratch that, I do understand why you do not go to Bt. and why your mother does not commit you and I don't want any part of this craziness.

When you are ready to get help, please contact me and I will be as helpful as I can.

C.

~~~~~

originally posted in TS @ TF, 1:53pm, Subject: overwhelming pain, no comfort to be found

i probably shouldn't post in the state i am in right this moment.
it can't be anything but completely pathetic and desperate-sounding.
and as usual, no one will know how to respond to it, even if they cared to do so.

but i AM feeling so completely DESPERATE.
i am so completely ALONE.
i have so thoroughly TRASHED my life, it is beyond comprehension really.

one wouldn't think there was anything LEFT for me to fuck-up, but I've managed to anyway.
NO ONE, save my mother, can deal with me on any level, and everyone else seems to think she is WRONG to actually have any compassion for me, to try and help me in a way that doesn't include locking me up.

i can't stop crying right now.
the pain is excruciating and it just keeps attacking.
there is nothing to say, nothing to do.
i know this.
i'm sorry.