// 'residential' day 3: Stop Inviting Her To Stuff!
| 01/30/2004 - 7:55 p.m. |

10am
Back to yesterday afternoon. Which was simply bizarre. Got up from my afternoon "nap." Mom was coming @ 3:30 to visit + bring me smokes. I was feeling slightly less incapacitated waiting for her...

(multiple breaks/interruptions for 'contact', cig, had appt w/ Rosenberg early--aaarrrggg, 1 thing @ a fucking time puh-LEASE!)

11:33am
Trying again now...Ok, mom. Anxious generally about her being here/coming here. But knowing I would be able to get/take in at least some level of comfort. So she gets here, we sit for a short bit. Tacie walks by after team, we exchange an odd sort of look, stare really. She begins to walk over, I stand up--she wants to tell me the bathroom issue was resolved, I'm unlocked now. Ok good...Blah I guess I have to introduce them. Tacie asks my mom if she has any questions for her. Mom was either like, 'oh, I don't know' or 'so many, I wouldn't know where to start'--not quite sure. So Tacie asks her if she wants to go up to her office for a few minutes--THEN asks me if that's ok. Ummmm, felt bewildered, certainly not in a position to say no or anything but 'yeah, I guess so, whatever.'

So we're not even in there 5 minutes + Tacie is asking her about coming in for a family session?! What in the hell is going on here!? Um, I'd appreciate if we'd discuss this first. Oh, yeah, sorry--so then she starts about MFG. I'm like, what is this, a fucking ambush? Yeah, I'd say you're putting me quite inappropriately on the spot--j.f.c.

Thank goddess my mom's cell rang + she stepped out for a minute. STOP INVITING HER TO STUFF. In the moment, that was about all I could articulate--was just totally confuzzled by the whole situation. Took me all night really to piece together some of what even happened, process a little, + then get to the fact that it was pretty fucked-up on Tacie's part, really not at all cool/ok. So I definitely feel some anger there, legitimate distrust, still confused, + generally taken aback/surprised.

Then Tacie went on asking my mom a bunch of questions, about herself, about me, lots of shit. And my mom was, well, just so how she is. Talked a lot, kinda rambly, still pollyana-ish + denying the full extent of some things + so on. And "bad nerves"?!--are you for REAL?? Both funny + somewhat embarassing. Typical as I said.


3:12pm
Am meeting with Tacie @ 4:30. Definitely nervous about that, generally; re what went on in both meetings yesterday...and wonder if C. has been in touch?!

But some other things to get down too...

Met with Rosenberg this morning.
Oy. Started the provigil today (maybe doing something???), got something to sleep tonight (seroquel).
La la la.
Then spent most of the time arguing/fighting/discussing my leaving residential tomorrow AS AGREED UPON BEFOREHAND + returning to day. It was just back + forth, repeating over + over, I was so very frustrated--but I did finally just wear her down I think (heh...hmmm) + got her to say fine--she'd tell whoever was dealing with the insurance co. that I didn't want any more IP days.
Damn straight (or something).

Did "contact" for the 1st friggin time today--only cuz Caryn(sp?) chased after me, also the only way I will @ this point...she's a bit annoying, but her intentions are good I know--whatever, 'a stamp.'

AND went to group this afternoon. Woah. "Getting Your Needs Met," but w/ Melissa in the movement room this time. And I "spoke." Interesting, the only 2 groups I've really "participated" in (w/o leaving crying) were ones she was running. Don't know why. Maybe just coincidence.
???

~~~~~~~~~~
notes from 'Needs' group.
we did an exercise in which we were *supposed* to make a list in the form of "I need _____ from..." or "I want _____ regarding...":
family
friends
work/school/career
health
misc.

however, in that moment, i was *needing* to get out/deal with some other stuff.
so this is what i wrote.
well, as best i can decipher/translate it now anyways, being there's all these arrows + scribbled words + etc....

I need to speak.
(^^ write, write, write. AND STILL *SAY* IT. vv)
I need to articulate what I was just feeling.
-->re: MST, "Needs," selfish, indulgent; (to) peers.

I need to be listened to, heard...TRUSTED goddammit.
-->specifically by
~~C.: I know what she wants. I'm doing it...IT IS OTHERWISE OUT OF MY CONTROL.
...frustration in not getting what I DO KNOW I want/need because?--I don't know how exactly to get there, the "stepping-stone" needs + wants--what it seems like anyway...
~~rosenberg: endlessly repeat self
~~tacie: speak, articulate
~~Tx team
~~peers

I need my choices, my ability to make them, to be RESPECTED + HONORED, whether or not you agree, + w/o threats, "have-tos," etc.

speak, articulate, maintain your integrity
(+ then--its out of my control too)
~~~~~~~~~~

So clearly, compared to yesterday, obvious differences. I can't really say for sure why. A rebound sort of effect after hitting a particular low isn't uncommon with me--just never seems to amount to something real ...
Provigil could have something to do with it--exceedingly difficult for me to allow even a little bit of hope that something might actually be effective in any genuine, long-term way.
So many letdowns, its WAAAYYY too early to go there.



Tacie @ 4:30-->dinner
showed up w/ all of 15 seconds to spare
still crying
took me all the 45 minutes--
just horrible.




~~~~~~~~~~
just this random thing that was in my box; i guess it was written in one of the groups today.

Nutrition

Eating food in proper proportions is always good for you. There's no such thing as good or bad foods - just different kinds.

These models/pictures may look great and amazing but they're NOT real; most are combined w/ different body selections from different people, and airbrushed--even some of the more "fit" + famous women we know of, such as Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, whose body was airbrushed on the movie cover.

All food is ok in moderation. We need all kinds of food to feed and nourish our body + meet our exchanges to keep our body going and give us strength.
You're not being BAD by eating--you're just supplying your body with what it needs.