// 'residential' day 5: illegal alien
| 02/01/2004 - 10:45 p.m. |

"Traditions"
Bear (courage): recipient has demonstrated a need to reach out more for support + verbalize feelings/issues to the community

11:34am
S. passed on the "Courage Bear" to me in community this morning. It was very sweet + yes, admittedly, a much needed boost, a very nice surprise, + goddamn the community as a whole if they don't keep poking-a-poking + getting thru *hmph*

...I was just told I am moving upstairs (A5->B4)--why does that make me feel kind of...upset??
And, bam, FAT, just like that.
Ugh--this place just *triggers* me + it's real fucking annoying.


4:54pm
All moved. Over whatever that blechy sort of feeling was...+ on to a different one
I was (relatively) liking having that room to myself. At least a little quiet + space to myself. Currently am feeling cranky + headachy + kinda claustrophobic + so on. Too many damn people in terms of visitors; too many obnoxious, loud, "new + stupid" patients. One too many people napping in my new room. One too many of ME stuck here.


7:32pm
Good word A.--Illegal. Except for me it's as in alien, as in I am one--an illegal alien. Another dinner, another miserable MST2. I really need to shut the fuck up. I don't belong here--I don't have a goddamn ED, + I'm sure as hell NOT anorexic.
Yeah, ok, we get it...ya freak.

I'm sitting in the WRONG FUCKING CHAIR.
Except I don't belong in the "other" one either. Never did get there--never will. And/But I still don't know how, HOW I ALLOWED MYSELF, to get HERE.
I don't belong anywhere is the thing.

There is nothing to go back to, nothing to move on to--I fucking murdered it all. Obliterated the entirety of an actual "life." So what's the point of being HERE--whether I belong or not. Hell, what's the point of not belonging? The shit that makes me feel like such an alien, that annoys me endlessly--fuck me if it doesn't, in this setting, trigger a sense of inferiority; competitiveness--repeat the inferiority; looonnnggging.
For? Fucking a., the thighs, ok?!

I know, not really, I KNOW...well what then? The death, the escape, the purpose however purposeless--the same as I do as the "alien." It's the half-assedness that is illegal--Yes, I want to be a legal alien, yes I do.
I'd also like to speak a language I myself understand.



schedule
stamped for: community; recovery process (w/ melissa); lunch-mst2; developing self worth (w/ Sue); dinner-mst2
skipped: movie night