// 'residential' day 7: (fucking) team
| 02/03/2004 - 9:54 p.m. |

11:30am team
...dr ice: do you remember me?--umm. yeah...level of care bullshit...pills, trust, resentment...weight gain + food logs, exchanges = BI-ATCH...


immediately followed by 12-1 lunch w/Tacie + A., K.
no desire to eat <-- no desire to live;
only for sake of K+A did i drink 1 juice + eat the pizza in A.'s "honor"
=2/4.
0/4 supplement.



1:30pm
NOT OK. How the fuck else to say it?
Nothing is ok.
I don't know what to do.
I want so so badly to leave.
Feel like I'm being stomped on again + again + fucking again.
I can't handle this, not any of it.

Fuck you Tacie + your pissy "ok" sighs--I'm sitting here because I'm fucking terrified + I don't know what else to do. I'm screaming for someone to fucking HELP me w/o making me feel even worse--like actually fucking HELP me. It is clearly not possible. So what in the hell am I doing here?

Obviously not for myself.

I'm here for C**** which is totally fucking insane. And pointless. A ridiculous fucking pipe dream.
And my mom. But that's pointless too. I am going to continue to break her heart + kill her spirit either fucking way.

I am only wasting people's time here.
What K. said in community today goes for me too. There are plenty of other people who CAN be helped here. I am only taking up space + time + $ + energy + its all completely futile.

Scared, terrified, yaddah yaddah. so many overused words. Desperate. Again.

I want there to be words that make sense, words that mean something. words that have actual impact. They don't exist. Neither does anything else.

I should have said, Yes, I am LOST--hopelessly, hopelessly lost.

_____
Tacie,
I should have said, Yes, I am LOST.
Hopelessly so.
Not a fucking clue where it is I'm even supposed to be.
But here sure as hell doesn't feel like it.
~~~~~
Wait...what I probably should have said was,
"No, I'm being passive-aggressive + consciously manipulative sitting in this spot looking all pathetic."
Guess it worked to some extent.
*eye roll*



5:50pm
So I am staying for now. Not IP, hell no, this is definitely my last night here. But I guess I'll continue day program.
By the time I got into Tacie's office, I had shut down. Probably could have feel asleep waiting out in the hallway if I'd let myself. So it took me a few minutes to get my brain even minimally functioning. (t.b.c. after dinner...)


6:53pm
Dinner. Ate it. Yuk.

Anyways--
...I was too tired to rearticulate so I just let Tacie read what I had written, the journal entry, + unfinished note to her. Bolded the stuff she directly commented on/subjects she touched on.

Part of my fear (or 1 of many) right now is this--she gets to me. Admission day aside, she did near immediately.
Made me feel a twinge of...something.
Possible connection. So I've been throwing temper tantrums for the past week
[[damn, I feel like I've been here for eons, but no, it's been a very very brief amt of time--way too short for this kind of intensity --> big part of my terror, ESP. as the whole thing is obviously time-limited...fuck me]]
-->clearly exasperating her
[[she puts those sort of reactions right out there, no attempt to camoflauge, which is not necessarily pleasant @ times, but i always appreciate honesty + skipping the bullshit]]
...+ I feel the pull get stronger by the moment.

I know that pull. Too well. Too many times. Too many people. And it always results in too much pain. I know this. And yet I can't seem to resist. I'm too desperate. And that pull is too strong, too tempting, too controlling.

I am so fucking screwed.



schedule
stamped for: community; contacted w/sue; HEAL group; 11:30-->(fucking) team; 12-1-->lunch w/Tacie; 3:30-->met w/Tacie
skipped: working with clay; assertiveness (tho it was prematurely crossed out + I met with T.); exercise group a (whatever.); 8pm group; relaxation