// lying all the way HOME
| 02/05/2004 - 10:17 p.m. |

2-4-04, 11:20am
A calm, not real emotional, slightly humorous session w/ Tacie. Was nice. I'm basically in the space of: I GET TO GO HOME IN JUST X HOURS + REUNITE WITH MY BELOVED LAPTOP!
YAAAAYYY :)!!...and that's about it. So relatively speaking, I'm in a pretty up mood. Even *considering* going to Embodiment this afternoon. Hah.



1:27pm
So maybe the biggest thing I was freaking out over w/team yesterday was the pills issue. I had already + stated again that I would not take any (e.g., lasix, stackers, phen/bontril) for the rest of my time here. And I have been nothing but upfront + honest w/every one of them on that + all other issues.
They in so many words said they didn't trust me + "requested" (i.e., badgered) that I turn them all over to the nursing staff...
(giving embodiment a reluctant try...)

2:45pm
...At the same time I could palpably feel them holding "allowing" me to return to day program over my head. So I finally just shrugged, yeah, whatever. But as I said to Caryn earlier today when she asked me about bringing the pills w/me tomorrow--an "agreement" implies that it is two-sided (i.e., mutual + voluntary).

I told her I would 'get rid of them' myself.

Note that I did not say when or how.
And while it makes me feel like total shit to be less than truthful, the FUCK THEM is predominant.
I will not be controlled or manipulated. I have been clear that I am frankly not yet committed to giving up my ed "behaviors" beyond Renfrew.
That is completely dependent on whether or not I get any relief from the depression...
(goin' to wrap-up)



2-4-04 schedule
stamped for: morning gathering; menu selection; therapy/tacie; embodiment; wrap up
missed: body image art
skipped: 'contact'



"dinner" @ home
psuedo-binged. overate. whatever you wanna call it.
fuck me.



email to C., Wed, 2-4-04, 8:14pm, Subject: home!
hey,
so i *finally* got to come home tonight.
had i mentioned to you that the 'residential' deal was *supposed* to be for 3 days MAX??
ugh.

it's been a ROUGH week, c.
really, seriously, definitely rough.
and felt more like a year than 7 days.

was deliriously relieved to come home today.

of course, am returning to renfrew tomorrow, back to day program.

lots to tell you (obviously).
right now i'm working on sifting through + typing up my journal entries and such.
maybe i'll have the energy to give you the down-low tomorrow.
know you've been playing phone tag with tacie as well.

needless to say you've been on my mind.
could use a reply, just a hello even...

*tired hug*--
m.



2-5-04, 1:10pm
...Never really finished on the pills issue yesterday. Left off w/the fact that making any real recommittment to e.d. recovery is not even on the radar for me w/o having at least some hope that I will recover from the DEPRESSION. My frame of mind remains that there is no reason, no fucking point, no motivation for me to give up those behaviors if I'm still going to have no life. So I'm not getting rid of my pills until I want to, until I have a reason not to just stock up again anyways (hello, there's a lot of $$ I've already spent on the current stash!). I will keep to my agreement to abstain while @ Renfrew. Beyond that, I ain't playing this having-to-prove-shit-to-them game.

So. No one has yet mentioned anything to me today, no questions. I'm sure it will happen @ some point. And I plan to give a vague 'it's taken care of' sort of answer + if pushed, say I'm not playing their game--trust me or don't, your choice.
Hardly up to my standards for honesty I know,
I just want to salvage a little integrity + not flat-out lie...



2-5-04 schedule
stamped for: community; menu selection; soul drama; 'seeing beyond bulimia + binge eating'
skipped: afternoon gathering; 'contact'



"dinner"
pseudo-binged. overate. whatever you want to call it.
fuck me again.