// things that make you go hmmm...wow...hmmm.
| 09/29/2003 - 2:11 a.m. |

(just the) first little section here originally posted in TS @ TF, 09-28-03 12:32am, adding to my thread posted here

i will respond and all more extensively later, and as its been QUITE a day, will certainly be posting about what went down--
[[not bad, maybe even good??, but definitely 'wow...just wow'...]]

in the meantime, just wanted to say thanks, and let ya'll know i am feeling a little bit better today.

it is kind of amazing really the level of fundamental miserableness one can become 'tolerated' to...meaning i have been in this very severe and very med-and-other-treatment resistant depression for *so* long that the everyday experience of it has become the "norm" almost.

it actually takes a good bit of external shit happening--oddly enough more i think than during my days of recovery and relative mental stability--to have much effect, to trigger me into actually *feeling* with the panicked and desperate intensity i was.

i guess point is just to acknowledge my cherished gt's post--"better" is a long long way from good.
can generally be translated as a return to my usual deadened state of numbness.
but surviving yet again one of those episodes in which the emotions themselves seem powerful enough to physically annihilate you...well i take what i can get these days.


so yeah.
sorry for my abstractness or whatever the hell i just wrote might be described as, heh.
really just wanted to let ya'll know that relatively speaking and all i am "ok", i sooo appreciate your support...

and i'll be back to share what all is going down just as soon as i process it a little more myself.

randomly,
me

~~~~~

In many ways, not exactly surprising�yet its still all of a �wow�just wow� nature.

The simple facts:
1. My father is moving out of the house he and my mother have both lived in for 26+ years.
2. I am moving (back) in to said house, that I grew up in but have not spent more than perhaps an hour TOTAL at in the last 7 years.


The background on this, were I ever to write my auto-biography, would take up a good chunk of it, but I�ll try to briefly summarize, heh.

By very deliberate choice on my part, I have had no relationship, and very minimal contact of any kind, with my father, since early 1997. As one would probably infer from that, he contributed greatly to my misery growing up, the development of my ED and various other psychological problems, issues, et al. For a long time, I had a whole range of feelings towards him, all negative, with wounded RAGE at the forefront. With therapy and time, I�ve worked through the majority of it, can handle being in vicinity of him every so often for limited lengths of time, even having some civil interaction, although beyond that, I still don�t feel at this point, like I can/could deal with any actual relationship with him. But these days, what I feel most in regards to him is pity, sadness, concern even. He is a very depressed, lonely, and seemingly defeated shell of a man.

The relationship/marriage between he and my mom was never a great one, nor comprehendable even, at least from my perspective. And in recent years, it has thoroughly disintegrated to the point of none existing. Until now, they have continued residing in the same house and taken no steps to legally end the marriage. And for various reasons and the longer they went on like this, I wondered if they ever would.


Well, its finally happening. So yeah, on one hand, loooong expected. But still somehow sudden, and bizarre in the way its occurring, in that it was all within a few short hours that this solution to my problem of where the fuck I was going to live even came to my attention as a possibility and the decision being made, basically by ME, to put it all into motion.

[[That my current status of living with my aunt j. was could not feasibly continue long-term was already known, but if you�ve read my entry from the other day you know that a lot of shit had ALREADY gone down this week, and I was suddenly faced with having to make different arrangements NOW/ASAP/preferably �yesterday��]]

Basically, at some point I guess they HAD actually like, communicated!!! enough that there was mutual acknowledgement that it was only a matter of time before they did actually separate and eventually divorce. And there is even a basic verbal agreement that as they each have their own retirement funds/investments, that stuff will basically stay as is, but my mom will get the house and my father will take care of my brother�s college. Probably the only reason that my father had not already moved out is my mom's current employment status.

[[Which right now remains the same, but the week-to-week situation she was in with the temp job seems to have resolved as the office finally got another big project, and now there is actually a good possibility that she will get another offer there for a permanent position, and if so, she anticipates that, while still significantly less than she used to make, it will be enough for her to accept it.]]

But apparently on Saturday morning, he made an offer (actually not for the first time my mom said) to move out, like asap basically, if I wanted to come live there.
When my mom picked me up early that afternoon, I thought we'd be apt-hunting for me as planned.
Then she relayed the above info to me.
It was quite a lot to take in obviously, and very initially the option of moving in with my mom was not the most attractive.
But as we talked, it really took very little time for me to go, 'you know, this really does make the most sense...let's do it.'
And it really DOES make the most sense and for ALL of us I think. Financially, practically, and emotionally too...
The logistics and all that will happen in the next few weeks won't be fun, and of course I have some concerns about such an arrangement...
but in my gut I really believe this is the right choice, and the one that gives me the best chance of ever getting my/a life back, of ever finding my SELF again.


There are other interesting details about how it all went down Sat., and clearly TONS more I could say, MUCH to still be thought about, lots still to come, etc.
But for now just wanted get the essentials down in writing or up in print or whatever...