// my c.
| 06/03/2002 - 7:25 p.m. |

Finally got email from c. today. I guess since I talk about her a lot, I should explain who the hell she is, huh? She is my former therapist, whom I absolutely adore, worship, etc. I worked with her for 3 1/2 yrs, until she moved about 1 1/2 yrs ago, the bitch. Um yeah, our relationship is complicated, lol. And intense, and really really important to me still. Anyways, this our most recent set of emails:

**from me to c. 6/2 (i peaked and you missed it):

So my brother's graduation was yesterday. Between the sickening heat and the family party/lunch afterwards, it would have been a trying day even if I were, um, well. Then there was my inescapable thoughts about my own graduation a year ago. How I have yet to get the only damn present I wanted, seeing you. And how I think that just may have been my peak, that that was IT, that was the best I'll ever be, the most I'll ever accomplish. Cuz I've sure gone downhill fast.

Well, thats all.

**to me from c. 6/3:

Hey,

For what it is worth, I don't feel that I missed that peak. You did at the time what you always do, which is to keep me in the loop with the good and the bad, and so I felt very much a part of your celebration and success.
It's not the same as being there but it was lovely.

I can imagine how hard it is to watch S. being launched when you feel as if you have permanently crashed. I wish that you had the conviction that there are other peaks in your future. It hasn't been clear to me from your emails just what is is that you think is happening. I know that you feel blind-sided by an expecially severe and intractable depression, but I don't know if you have any other understanding of this.

I had wondered when you had this last psych consult if the possiblity of ECT had come up? (I can only imagine your reaction knowing how you value your cerebral stuff, but it can be extraordinarily helpful for some people).
Some of your recent emails have been very alarming in terms of what sounds like a lot of suicidal thinking.

When do you go back to **? I am once again in the throes of unsettled times. I have a second interview pending for a new job which I have put on hold because of health issues (which I fully expect to be resolved soon and happily but which I still have to sweat-out). I will let you know after tomorrow where things stand. It would be lovely to meet you for lunch--do you still eat lunch?

**from me to c. 6/3:

Hey there,
Good to hear from you...

> I know that you feel blind-sided by an expecially severe and intractable depression, but I don't know if you have any other understanding of this.

I have little understanding of anything anymore, and esp. about what the hell has happened to me. I mean I have some idea about what triggered it initially, but as for why it has snowballed into what it has, I am totally fucking clueless.

>I had wondered when you had this last psych consult if the possiblity of ECT had come up? (I can only imagine your reaction knowing how you value your cerebral stuff, but it can be extraordinarily helpful for some people).

Well, you are the first one to say anything about it, but the thought has crossed my mind before. Its a pretty frightening idea obviously, but not one that I am closed to. Nothing could be scarier than "living" as I am.

>When do you go back to **? I am once again in the throes of unsettled times. I have a second interview pending for a new job which I have put on hold because of health issues (which I fully expect to be resolved soon and happily but which I still have to sweat-out). I will let you know after tomorrow where things stand. It would be lovely to meet you for lunch--do you still eat lunch?

I am scheduled to return next Mon, the 10th. I think you know how much it would mean to me to see you, so...well I'll leave it at that. And haha, yes I still eat lunch and for you I'd eat a really big one. The possible job change sounds like a good thing, and I know how stressful the current one has been, but your typically glib mention of "health issues" causes some, uh, concern.

Anyways, I look forward to hearing from you soon. All my love-Me

**to me from c. 6/3:

Hi,

I think that a consult re ECT would be worthwhile. The Associate Medical Director here is someone whom I have known and respected for 20 yrs. For 20 years I have heard him say that if he were to become depressed, he woud prefer ECT over meds in terms of safety and effectiveness.

I will call you after this appt tomorrow (tomorrow or Wednesday)because I think that then I will have the lay of the land. I don't mean to sound glib (nor as fatalistic as I at times feel). It's hard with this rollercoaster of ca f/u to srike a balance. In my heart of hearts, I believe I will be okay (and you too sister!)

Hugs to you.

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*sigh* So I am really worried about her health. I don't know what is going on currently, but several years ago, while I was still seeing her, she had colon cancer, and it was just a horrible time, and it all scares the crap out of me. The thought that I might actually finally get to see her in the next week is a beautiful one, but I *know* I shouldn't get my hopes up, not that I can really help it...