// soooo...now what?
| 08/12/2003 - 9:31 p.m. |

i saw the lowest # on the scale this morning in the 10 year history of my e.d.

hmmmm.
i dunno.

later got a rather interesting, but goddamn-still-confusing email from C...

Tues, 08-12-2003, 12:51pm, Subject: re: keys
M.,

I also am not finding these communications very satisfactory. As you know, I don't like to make decisions or to operate in any way totally in the dark. I raised my concerns about your status and about my own limitations. I am not prepared to set either of us up for a useless battle/failure. I remain your friend and your supporter. The possibility of my becoming your therapist at some point still exists as far as I am concerned, but it depends on my availability, your readiness to be an outpatient, and a clear conviction on both our parts that that would be best for you.

As you know, I think (and have thought for some time) that you need to be in a hospital. It has been Avery long time since I have experienced you as doing anything for yourself that is positive and proactive. Your passivity (especially coupled as it is with your active resistance) drives me nuts.

C.


email to C., Tues, 08-12-2003, 9pm, Subject: how about...now what?
C. (c., c.)...
Always making me go "hmmm..."

Well actually, my first response went something like:
ack. aarrgghh. awww. huh???
(not necessarily in that order)
etc.

But hey, isn't driving each other nuts kind of our way? heheh:-P
I mean there are "useless battle[s]/failure[s]" and then there are our er, skirmishes.
No one else really has the balls (actually i prefer the phrase 'the ovaries'!!) it seems to *really* engage me in a "fight" of any sorts--
or maybe you are the only person I feel able able or compelled or ??? to engage with...

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't deny (as you know) either how passive or resistant I am/have been;
I am well aware of how infuriating it must be;
and I certainly haven't experienced much of anything "positive and proactive" *within* myself for a good while--
with one exception.
I seem to be pretty damn persistant in my "pursuit" of you, if you will, and as much as I know and feel and care about so very little, I know that you are what I need.
I get that you are not yet convinced, I get the various obstacles, but you do indeed continue to 'dangle' out there, and I feel this flutter of movement inside, this push of some sort, to grab on.
Its been a long-ass time since I've had any sense of such a feeling, so I can't really be sure what it is, but it just *might* be what one might term *gasp* motivation?!?...

I even, kinda sorta, want to try and come up with something approaching a...P-l-a-n.
Like what is the feasability of a face-to-face 'meeting' of some sort? For the purpose of a bit more "satisfactory" communication.
As beneficial as email is to me in terms of it often being easier for me to speak in writing and the added issue of late of increased time needed to translate the mush in my brain--it obviously only goes so far.
Of course there is the phone, but you know what a non-fan I am of that, so it wouldn't be my first choice. [edited]
So yeah, like I said, might we meet in-person somewhere/how/in some capacity??

>>As you know, I don't like to make decisions or to operate in any way totally in the dark.<<

Equivalent if not the same, I don't do so well in hypothetical if/then space--however, I am thinking about the whole more-intensive-treatment issue.
Really really NOT in terms of a "hospital" though. Like "residential," maayyyybbbeeee, ok?
Like that, no matter what, I need to be able to have a cigarette whenever I damn want to, is seriously essential--both very much in that requirement in and of itself, and all the other things its representative of.
So basically I'm not completely closed to the idea of Renfrew...
My previously stated feelings, reservations, etc. on the subject remain, and there are more concerns too, and my relative level of comfort is more in terms of say IOP than the IP end of the spectrum...
but I know I want, I need, to keep discussion open with you...

Also just wanted to say thanks, for the bit of reassurance I guess. I forever need more of course, heh, but I feel slightly less insecure for the moment.

Hugs & hmmm--
M.