// climbing back from the brink. again.
| 06/07/2003 - 8:13 p.m. |

its been a week since my last entry here. well, not exactly actually--i posted but locked 2 more last weekend...i don't know why really either way, but i'll make them public (until i change my mind again) once i finish this one. i don't know why i do this online journal at all a lot of the time, but i do it anyway. *shrug*

so if you are reading, you should probably go back a few entries now before continuing this one...

[**edited to note that the previous/yesterday and next/tomorrow codes don't seem to be working right for the aforementioned 2 entries. or maybe its just me. but, yeah, you can see them on the old/archive page or just click below:
05/31/2003 - out of control (email to d.)
06/01/2003 - morning after (email to d.)]

which is, as usual, going to be mostly a series of previously written scribblings...

6-1-03, 8:05pm
Trying to write an email to C. Too hard. Trying to find the words to express what I need (to) to D. Too hard. Every fucking second of existing is TOO HARD. I feel too much and want too much and so DESPERATELY need and can't have too much. I am too much, it all is. And yet so not nearly ever enough. I am too tired and too scared and there is no fucking escape. It just goes on and on and on and I am alone, alone, alone. I can't take care of myself. Not even simple things like showering or getting my fucking shower FIXED. I have to and/but I can't. The functional capacity of a damn infant. Stuck in this horrible body and life so beyond it. Touch, comfort, affection. NO. Just like food. Basic sustenance. Want, want, want. Do.not.deserve. Not allowed, not worthy. Too big, grotesque, greedy.

9:37pm
Just finished cutting a big X on my wrist. Ugly, but not enough. Surely not deep or painful enough. Not enough, not enough to justify eating now. But I am anyway because I'm a pig. Fucking pig.






I want you to love me. That's what I want.



6-2-03, 6:30am
Haven't slept. And just b/p--on cereal and some of the milk that wasn't even mine. Why? Just fucking because. God dammit, why can't I turn it all the fuck off?! The weight shit, the wannabe-a-different-ED shit, and most especially all the feelings its about or not about or whatever...
smoked, rinsed, smoked more--7:25am

3pm
I don't feel any less hellish to be sure...but I know that was a 'good'/'important' session. I'm tired of all the fighting in my own head, just want to to let it go, throw it all in her lap, yes, its true, its all true, I very very much give a damn, I'm attached, I want something, need things...

"It's how this works"--*sigh*...I know. Been there/here, done that/it. The difference though is I always felt I knew C. as a "real person", not just "the therapist," and I was/am attached to both, to HER...Not so this time 'round, but fuck, whatever, its ok I think. It'll have to be.

email to c., 6-5-03, 10:08pm: time lags
Ack. I started writing this email days ago, in the midst of one of those even-more-miserable than usual, emotionally desperate sort of states. Didn't finish it obviously and for whatever reason, haven't come back to it until now. The original "draft" follows:

----------

C.,
Really glad to hear things are going well with you and your family. Job stuff sounds interesting. And the house finally, heh--yay! I know you've really been wanting that.

Can relate to issues with opening mail. Not one of my strong points either. Major difference being there is little to nothing resembling functioning anymore that *is*...

I am really conflicted about what, or how much, to tell you.

I'm not getting better. At all. And fall farther away from doing so every day.
Doc isn' *new* new. Same guy that tried me on the serzone, then effexor, then remeron, then I don't know what next.
I mentioned being 'suspicious' of the remeron. Because of very frequent side effects of significantly increased appetite and weight gain.
Other things involved to be sure, but I feel it definitely contributed to

You are always in my heart, what little shriveled deadened...and simultaneously so overwhelmingly needy, one still exists in me. I am so so so far away from the person that has ever been in yours. The ugly truth is that I don't any longer possess the will to live. I don't have the will either to just fucking DIE. A consolation perhaps, to all but me. I think I need so much more from people, from you, D., my family, etc. to find a way out than is possible to ever actually get. And I feel that I deserve so.very.little besides. If nothing else, I just want my physical existence to reflect that. And it won't. It hates me as much as I it. So fucking greedy.

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Sooo, back to now. That unfinished sentence about what the remeron contributed to...well that would be several days of b/p-ing that was just hellish, the eating and the puking both feeling completely out-of-control, at one point even involving ipecac. I don't quite know how to explain this experience, or how it was so different from other times, but, eh, it was just ugly. Anyways, I promptly stopped the remeron. Am now back on the effexor, and have begun lamictal, a slow acting anti-convulsant that has shown some success in "treatment-" or "med-resistant" depression. And so I'm back to what has become my sort of baseline level of blah existence. As always, there is probably I lot more I could say about it all, but I'll leave it at that for now. At least partly cuz I want to finally finish this email up before I get too tired and then another week/weekend passes by...

Speaking of the weekends, this last was certainly one of the worst, but they are always especially hard. I am at least making some effort on my behalf tho to head off a repeat performance this weekend. Have plans to hang out with J. tomorrow and perhaps another day too. Probably won't really *do* much, she has one of her "comps" on Mon. and needs to study, but I think just the physical company will help. I'm also hoping to do a lot of cleaning, laundry, etc. because...S. is coming to visit me next week!!! We both have our concerns about how it will be, but both quite looking forward to it as well. Its been a couple years since we last saw each other in person, but have been really major supports to each other through our recent respective struggles, more than ever probably. There is just a level of understanding and acceptance and openness between us...Anyways, she is finally 'walking' in graduation this weekend, tho still has a class or two to finish up this summer. Should be interesting...

Shrugs and hugs--
M.

and finally, today, a few hours ago, emails from/to/from d.: How are you?
M.
I haven't heard from you and just wanted to check in and see how you're doing this weekend.
D.

Oops, sorry bout that. But thanks for 'checking in' anyway...

I'm doing fairly ok actually. J. came over for a few hours yesterday afternoon. Mostly she studied, while I did laundry and *started* to go through the latest pile-up of mail. It was good just to have the company though, kept me out of my room, off the computer, and therefore easier to get some stuff done. I was also all deaf and dizzy again, it was kind of pathetic that she was sitting right damn next to me, and I kept being like, "huh? what?". But I ate some last night, and whadya know, I'm not quite so out of it today. The power of food, eh? :-P And yet I'm still undecided on partaking of any today *roll-shrug*

We made vague plans to get together again this weekend. Haven't heard from her yet, so I'm guessing it'll end up being tomorrow. I've got my last load of laundry in the dryer right now, called my mom earlier and talked to her for a while, and am comtemplating a second attack on the piles of mail and such. So yeah, I'm hanging in ok.
--M.

Very glad to hear it.
D.