older(s)
now
I feel:
Tweety's No 1 Fan!
avatar 6/4
32 flavors and then some...
// moving on (or backwards, ya psychotic reds!)
| 11/05/2004 - 9:00 p.m. |
11-05-04, fri, 10:50am
(pre-pat notes)
avoiding, avoiding, avoiding.
journaling that is. clearly.
no obvious reason why.
perhaps its overflow of my 3-week long battle w/ writer's block over my short story.
blah.
its not nearly as developed as i was hoping for,
but i am sending it this afternoon anyway.
although i have ceased wearing all black as i did the past 2 days,
i remain in deep mourning.
the country remains in a handbasket on the fast track to hell.
what else can i say.
i'm telling you, just drop the bombs,
and put us all out of our misery.
5:58pm
(pre-rosenberg)
i actually have a pretty full schedule this weekend.
lunacy.
well, i'm at frew right now, waiting to see ro.
have to finish java homework when i get home.
but anyway, tomorrow is the writer's conference at mc3.
pretty much an all day affair.
i dunno how long I will last,
but it should be interesting regardless.
sunday, my aunt c. + uncle j. are coming up for their nephew's 1st bday party.
(uncle's side of fam.)
and i think we're supposed to have brunch or something w/ mommom and i dunno who else.
sat. is supposed to be a workout day,
but i dunno if i'll get to the Y w/ the conference.
if not, i'll probably go sunday after the brunch thingy.
Moving On
Taylor and Jackie bolted awake to screams coming from down the hall. She raced into Zara's bedroom, flipped on the light, and discovered 13-year-old Z crouched on her bed, shaking, tears streaming down her olive cheeks. When Jax approached, Z backed into the corner as if a trapped animal."Zara, honey, what's the matter?" She attempted to shout over Z's screaming, unintelligible save the frequent and anguished "Nooo."
"ZARA. Zara, baby, it's me, Jax."
Unwilling to continue watching helplessly, Jax stepped up on the bed and deftly grabbed Z in a big bear hug, securing the flailing arms to her sides. The epitome of small but mighty sought to claw and kick her way out regardless. Jax was already sweating from the effort, but she continued to hold Z tightly from behind. So Zara attacked her own flesh, digging her nails straight through the skin on her wrist. Jax clasped her hands, entwining her fingers with the little weapons. She swayed in tandem with Z's struggling, and murmured softly into her ear in opposition to Zara's terrified wails.
"It's ok, little one...I'm here Z...You're safe now, baby, I promise...Jax has got ya, Z...This is your home now, sweetheart...We are your family, for always...You're home, and you're my little one, and I love you Zara...I won't let anyone hurt you, not ever again lovey...Shhh, it's gonna be ok, baby, it really is..."
Jax felt the fight drain from the little body, and Z collapsed against her as huge wracking sobs erupted from deep within. Jax carefully picked her up and carried her to the large cushioned rocking chair. Z curled up in a ball on her lap, her arms clinging around Jax's waist.
Tay came in quietly a while later to let Jackie know that, although their nine-year-old son Issac had also awoke, he shortly returned to a dreamy slumber.
"Little guy is usually such a deep sleeper," Jackie commented absently, as she brushed away the matted black curls from Zara's tear-streaked face.
Tay squatted next to the rocker and wiped the tears that also slid down Jackie's cheeks. "I assured him that Z was ok...told him that she had a very bad dream again, but mom was with her."
He shifted his gaze to Zara, enveloped in his wife's arms, her slight body still trembling. Z had made no movement or sound to indicate awareness of Tay's entry or words, and her deep green eyes stared at nothing. Standing slowly, Tay gave both Z and Jackie a kiss on the head before heading back to his and Jackie's bedroom, knowing he was unlikely to rest so easily as his son. Rather he lay sprawled across their bed, his meandering thoughts mirroring Jackie's a few rooms away.
In the early months following her father's murder two years ago, and subsequent move into the Rosen's home, Zara's cries awoke Jax several times a week. With much support though, and the passage of time, the bad nights became rarer. Recently, however, as her uncle's trial approached, the nightmares had reappeared. Neither Jackie nor Taylor had ever heard a scream quite like that though. Jax had never witnessed such a sight as she encountered tonight either.
Jax gazed out at the black and moonless night sky. Finally, she felt Zara shifting on her lap. Jax looked down with a gentle smile, and was relieved to see the signs of life on her face that signaled Z's return from the place she had visited.
"Hey, lovey."
"Hey," Z whispered back.
"How ya doing, little one?"
"I-I think I'm ok."
Jax gave her a squeeze, and said, "You will be, lovey. I promise."
Zara soon drifted to sleep, and Jax tucked her into bed. Stretching out beside Z, Jax laid her arm protectively around her little one's waist.
Through the window, she watched the landscape lighten to a slightly overcast gray, and the rising sun played peek-a-boo as the storm clouds of yesterday, ever so slowly, drifted away.