// why do i even bother
| 10/29/2004 - 10:38 a.m. |

friday
(pre-pat notes)

what is her fucking deal anyway?
i hadn't written in SEVEN weeks.
She hasn't written to me since JULY.
so what is her motherfuckin problem?
i didn't say a damn thing this time about visiting her.
and i didn't bitch or "brat" at her at all.
i.e., it was thoroughly fake.
just like her, i increasingly feel.
she read the damn thing yesterday afternoon.
not a word back.

actually, i don't really think she's a fake in terms of the entire time i've known her.
she's just changed i'm inclined to think.
significantly.
and Not for the better.
this is not the same woman who gave me the necklace i Still wear,
have taken off only Once in 6+ years since.
(for 5 mins to compete at nationals way back)
not the same person who held me as i sobbed that day on the grass.
not the same woman who for so many reasons i loved.
and who, i do know, genuinely loved me.

i don't like this person.
at all.
unfortunately, i can't sufficient separate the bitch in my dream from my memories of the woman i adored--
not enough to stop loving her.
not enough to tell her once and for all just where she can shove it.

whatever, whatever.
she so is so not worth it anymore.




email to C., thu, 10/28/2004, 10:05am, Subject: m. goes to the gym...?!?
sooo...
hey there c.
long time, no talk, to state the obvious.
what's up? how ya doin'?
how's philhaven and the boonies treating you??

(speaking of "treating"--*wink*--its tweety's seventh bday on sunday! wow, huh?)
heheh.

so, yes, it's true--
i've been working out again!
for the first time in like FOUR years really.

i just started 2-3 weeks ago, but i've been pretty into it.
mostly doing weights, primarly the machines.
just a little bit on the bike to warm-up.
(not ready to really face how much my breathing sucks from so much smoking + so little movement.)

anyway, i've been going every other day consistently, haven't missed one yet.
and it feels good.
i'm also rather impressed with myself, i gotta say, w/ how much better off i am strength-wise than i thought.
i've been progressively kickin more + more ass every time *GRIN*
doing a lot of stretching too, and have already regained much of my flexibility.
i do so love the looks and winces when i'm folding myself like a pretzel--LOL.


the other significant happening is w/ my creative writing class.
i think i told you a while back i was considering taking it?
well i am, and its been quite interesting.
frustrating at times--but *grumble* not necessarily in a 'bad' way.
more often 'thought-provoking' i guess.
and annoyingly 'synchronous' at times w/ other stuff i'm 'working through' or whatever.

but anyways i've gotten a lot of positive feedback from the teach,
in terms of having a lot of 'potential' and 'talent' and an already 'well developed voice', and even more.
there is always, however, the "however..."
yeah well, how about the overdone, tedious phrase "show not tell" can bite me! :-D
heh.
oh, and on the 1st assignment particularly, i seem to have made up my own "rules" for it?!
ME?? no waaayyyy.
lol.

i decided a few weeks back to switch to auditing the course.
best decision for me for several reasons.
still, its overall been a good, 'intriguing' experience thus far.
could send you a few of the pieces (all relatively short) i've written if you're interested...

otherwise, well--
thinking 'bout ya, hope you are well.
and like, i dunno, write back or something...

hugs,
ms. buff