// neutral
| 06/30/2003 - 4:00 p.m. |

Well, I went. Saw D.

And it was...I dunno, neutral?

Although we agreed on the fact that everything that went down sucked, our perspectives on the validity or what have you of her, mine, and others' actions last week, not unexpectedly, do not mesh.

She maintains that she acted on what she thought was "best" for me and to keep me "safe." And whatever, that's fine really--I don't begrudge her need for justification.

But still, I didn't get the sense that she really GOT why I was so scared and hurt and everything else. To me, it's pretty self-explanatory, or at least adequately expressed in what I'd written.

Anyway, I maintained that I just don't see a way past this and noted that and why I felt it couldn't work for her as well. And she said, well, if you are not willing to do certain things (i.e., "taking care of myself" to her and others' satisfaction; seeing a doctor), yes, I suppose you are right.

And the fact is I am thoroughly disgusted and sick and tired and all "treatment" right now and I don't much care to feed myself for me or anyone else.

I just feel like I'm done with it all.

She was holding out a little hope that we could work through this or at least maintain contact while she referred me to and I got set up with another therapist out here (that idea being most likely moot) or until I moved back east.

I said I just want closure, not that I have any idea what that would entail or if it's even possible beyond the current state of affairs. And she wasn't exactly brimming with ideas either.

But I did agree to another meeting next Monday, no commitment beyond that.

All in all, it was pretty sober, not particularly emotional, meeting.

And so it goes.