// recap
| 06/30/2003 - 12:15 p.m. |

Have exchanged a few emails with D.

After first saying I was not ready to see her in person today, sent another last night basically saying wtf, I might as well, for the purpose of starting to get closure.

She had written before that she would assume I wasn't coming unless she heard otherwise and I didn't get another reply, but I know she signed back on briefly again last night, so I'm assuming it's a go.

I also copied to the last email all my journal entries from Thursday on, with a few edits--taking out the references to my intake and pill-taking.

I really don't feel that I've got anything to say to her today. Feeling a bit anxious, but mostly numb. Mostly just interested in what, if anything, she has to say, and I really don't want to come away from this relationship with any more bad feelings than necessary.

As I've said, I don't really see how we could continue working together. I don't think it could work for/be handled by either of us in truth. Seems like we are BOTH too much/not enough for the other. She can't deal with my physical state; I can no longer deal with either her pressure nor distance.

(Wearing my big, baggy overalls today btw and had an ensure this morning--my meager attempts to appear stable or whatever.)

I still have no idea and not much interest in what comes next for me, in the short-term or grand scheme of things.

My weight is the lowest it's been in many years and I'm not far from reaching an all-time low. And it's the only thing I give any damn about at all.

So...*shrug*

Sent an email to C. last night as well :(

Otherwise, just distracting myself with the continued reading and typing of old journals--interesting, but having little emotional impact.