// she's never said that to me before...
| 08/25/2003 - 11:58 a.m. |

title is re: the part i bolded in the first email below...


email from C., Mon, 08-25-2003, 8:36am, Subject: re: reasonably ummmmm
M.,

I called your mother for your phone number. My intent was to speak to her as well (I could have gotten the number, spoken to you and then called her back but I was feeling some sense of urgency). It is clear to me that you do not understand my position.

I was on call at work this weekend. I am responsible 24/7 for a staff of 85, a unit of 39 pts, 10 of whom are on commitments, 2 on suicide precautions, 2 with significant medical complications, 3 1:1s, 3 with significant potential for violence. I work hard to try and preserve my sleep.

You are not officially my responsibility, but I do care about you and it is clear that there is no one in your life at this point in time who has accepted responsibility for your care. Whether this is accurate or not, it feels to me that you and your mother assume that the responsibility is mine.

I don't have the time each day to carefully read your emails. With your tendency for being obtuse, I don't know what dire messages I may be missing. I do know that you have told me that your weight is at its lowest, that you are binging multiple times a day and you have been preoccupied with the idea of suicide. I also know that you are resistant to seeking help and have been making promises you don't keep.

Your mother is scared that you are going to die, but does not want to do anything to alienate you since you have told her that she alone you trust. She is also afraid that if she does something you don't like, she may push you to make a suicide attempt.

All in all, I am increasingly finding this an untenable situation. I have recommended to your mother that she 302 you if you do not voluntarily seek help today. I can't 302 you from here and she does not want to ask your aunt to be in that role. I don't feel hopeful, but I do feel better for having done what I feel needed to be done.

If you don't get help (either voluntarily or involuntarily), please stop sending me emails.

C.


reply to C., 10:39am, Subject: am i getting it?
shit.
i knew i was pushing it with my 'antics' so to speak, knew i was being a really selfish inconsiderate brat
how is it that i manage to make things sound genuinely *worse* than they are in my obsession with being so "clever and facile" with words?

i dunno, weight is stabilizing, binging slowing down, and yeah, i am certainly remain preoccupied with the *idea* of suicide but i actually *feel* far less suicidal lately than i have in some time. and ya'll can believe me or not, but you know the commitments i've made in that respect...
i swear i am not going to die on you, on my mom, on anyone, surely not anytime soon.

>> I also know that you are resistant to seeking help and have been making promises you don't keep.<<

:-(...i'm just...slow. but i AM calling renfrew today. as soon as i finish this email, smoke, take my pills....the last line of your email admittedly scared the crap out of me.

if nothing else i've ever written you, please take me seriously now.
and please, please, please don't cut me off.

i know i'm not your responsiblity. i know you don't have the time.
i just NEED so much for you to be there for me. you KNOW that.


...still hope to get to speak to you eventually...


another email to C., 11:30am, Subject: the first call
all my dawdling, etc. and so on.
i hear '302' and 'if...stop sending me emails' and i don't think, JUST CALL...and i guess its not so bad.
just gave some basic 'symptom' info, blahhh, and of course, the insurance stuff.
so "jen" is working on verifying the latter, and then i'll be setting up my assessment.

boo-yah.


email to Diane, 11:42am, Subject: renfrew
diane--
so, as I said in the phone message, finally called renfrew this morning.
right now, 11:30am, insurance stuff is supposedly getting verified, and then i'll be setting up an assessment.
i've been uh, dawdling, on this for a while.
but i guess, push is coming to shove, C. is beyond fed up with me :-(, and some words were used that finally got me to don't think, JUST CALL.

um, don't know what i mean exactly, but please be "kind" and like "non-dramatic" in relaying info, eh??
and perhaps, in this instance, if you might be able to briefly let me know about the convo(s)?
if not, i understand too.

can't remember if i told you s. is actually in there right now. at least we might we able to wreak a little havoc together, lol.

thanks--
m.