// Trying to get it a little bit more
| 08/26/2003 - 3:01 p.m. |

email to C., 10:51am, Subject: Trying to get it a little bit more
Haven't heard anything back from Renfrew yet.
Don't know if that�s a good sign, i.e., insurance is being worked on, but no problems at this point?, or what.
I gave them my mom's # for any questions, problems regarding that, as it all just goes over my head, and she also hasn't gotten any calls, at least as of the end of yesterday, so positive??

They asked for and I gave Diane's name and # yesterday. I left her a voice mail and later sent a bit more detailed email and then sent her a more 'official' consent statement as requested last night. I don't know at which point they will actually get in touch with her.

Sooo, really am going to try and be brief here, not overwhelm you, but I sense a shift in my head in just the past 24-48 hrs. If its for "real," well I can't be sure, but I think so.
I have obviously been pretty intensely resistant, and despite the pressure from you and various sources all along, I guess it only just hit me, 'damn, they ain't playin' in the last day or so.
And I read your email yesterday morning, and had a minute or two of feeling pretty devastated, and then�just became very calm.
I don't know about the calmness, it's been my state almost exclusively for months now. Because note I don't say I *felt* calm; I simply *am*, it still seems to be simply the *lack* of access to any feeling.
But whatever, I made the call almost right away, very composed, went right about my business all day, amazingly productive for me.

And had some thoughts, not really the jumping all over the place, disconnected variety as of late, but trying to really assess the situation and for once consider the fact that in the end it is my choice (I mean I COULD indeed be on my way to wyoming if I really wanted to), it IS my life, it CAN'T be all about YOU for christ's sake.

If I think I've already lost everything, then the worst that can happen is I come out the other end the same right?
But if I at least allow myself to go in not completely closed, then I'm probably bound to get at least a little something back, ya know?
And I guess, I'm just trying to go from there, keep pushing myself a little bit farther, open myself to a few more possibilities.

Maybe, just maybe, I'm not so hopeless after all?
I hope you still have a little faith as well...

~~~~~

so i know she's read these last few.
and she's not responding, but suddenly--
that's ok.
like as long as she's not saying 'leave me the fuck alone'...
i don't much care if she can't deal with replying to me for a while.
as long as i can still talk TO her.

i did call Renfrew again a little while ago to see if there was any update in regards to the insurance stuff or anything else.
but jen, the woman i'm dealing with, is out for the day.
so nothin' until tomorrow i guess.

mommom's last sister, aunt mary, died yesterday.
so another funeral, et al. on thursday.

haven't heard from s. in a few days.
i tried to call *her* a few times, but either no one ever picks up the residential phones (wtf) or every so often they are busy.

going out for a walk and to run a few errands in a bit.
probably hang out with mom for a little while later. get a vanilla cone, heh.
such an exciting life i lead.