// reasonably ummmmm
| 08/24/2003 - 10:32 p.m. |

email to C., Sun, 08-24-2003, 9:15pm, Subject: reasonably ummmmm
so i actually had no idea you had called or anything was going on until i woke up around 2:30 this afternoon (its currently sunday night, a little before 9pm).
had a message on *my* phone from aunt j. that you had left a message on *her* phone, which i don't pay any attention to.
so i then listened to it.

and called my MOM obviously.
(*sigh* a little irked at you over that one clearly. anyone else did that and i'd be on my way to wyoming or something. but of course its you, and i'm like 'ohhhh, she really does love me and care' and so i've practically already completely forgiven you. blahhhh....but STILL, you couldn't have spoken to ME first??)

anyways.

as i haven't talked to *you*, certainly don't know so much what's going on.
THE # to reach ME at is ***-***-**** (note it looks similar to my mom's #, but don't get confused again, k? :-P)
its a cell so I pretty much have it with me all the time.
and hope to speak to you tomorrow.

not surprisingly, i had been working on another email to you yesterday.
not really relevant for now.

just want to say, yes, let's come up with a "REASONABLE plan"
c., i am NOT going to put anyone in the position of having to friggin commit me, ok.
i get that you are alarmed, my mom is alarmed, everyone is alarmed.
and i really do respect that. i talk a lot of shit, but i really do respect that.
i ask for that respect in return.
i ask that you respect what is REASONABLY ACCEPTABLE to me.
and i DO realize at this point that may well have to be some version of IP.
i am really quite relatively calm, cool, and even a bit collected right now.


reasonably ;)--
m.

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the unfinished, 'not really relevant for now' email, Subject: So much for different tactics...
(8/24, 1am)
Yo--
So, despite original intentions, there is again a whole lot of stuff here. The part I'm putting first though was actually written about mid-way through maybe�

*sigh* I can't stop eating. I could have sworn I ate everything there was to around here, but I keep on managing to find more. And I'm not purging any of it--yeah, that�s "good," whatever whatever. And my weight just *leaps* on upwards every damn day. Keep waiting for that thing called metabolism to kick in just a little, but as far as I'm concerned, it's as mythical as the friggin unicorn. And fuck, fuck, fuck it, C., I can't do it, I can't call goddamn Renfrew when I'm like this. I keep trying to psych myself up to do it, and I just can't. I'm not asking you to say any of it is ok. Just could you maybe be a little less "ornery and hard-assed" ;-P here for me for a bit. Cuz I really really just *need* some empathy and compassion right now. Can I please please see you just once w/o doing this eval??? I mean, I *might* even *consider* "letting" you "make" me make the call in your presence or something, but I just canNOT handle it right now. Please?...

Um yeah�On to the rest I guess in chronological order�


Sat, 08-23-03, 6:30pm
I've actually been *trying* to *try* a few different tactics to quiet this sudden loudness in my head, and I guess they've been working to some extent, but still some things are just insisting to come out in the tried-and-true form�

Shortly after the last really long email I sent you the other night, the one sent about 4am, I wrote another email to Diane, subject: hmmmm--
Really didn't anticipate to be writing again so soon...

But kinda having a crazy thought.

Actually been having quite a bit of them anyway lately, and add to that its about 4:45am, and I just finished posting in my online journal a particularly crazy and goddamn long email to C. that took me over 4 hours to write, and so yeah...

Anyways, the thought is about the online journal. Like, if I actually *am* in your thoughts on occasion, and you actually want to know how I'm *really* doing, and I'm obviously not going to know one way or another if you ever read it or what you think if you do...then I honestly can't think of any reason why NOT to at least give you the addy. Whats it matter now, right?

Sooooo...
[edited--the addy was here]

Like I said, for me, its really just a why not. Obviously do with it what you wish.

And I am now finally having my last cig or 2 and going to bed.
I know it was essential you know that...

Deliriously,
M.

I actually still didn't get to bed for like another 2 1/2 hours (so around 7:15am and only slept about 4 hours). And I wonder why I'm delirious and so insanely exhausted??

Anyways, this online journal thingy�

One, I edited out the addy because well, even though most everything gets thrown at you, obviously its healthy for me to have a separate private space, and when would you have the time or interest?? to look at it anyway. Conversely with Diane, as I said to her, it seemed at this point, like why the hell not. A great amount of my entries besides which since I started it have just been the emails I've written to you and Diane. Others, I dunno if you've noticed when I've said I'm copying a journal entry to you, it sometimes being formatted differently than like, a normal Word document (I remember you saying some time ago that the email system is real out-of-date, so I don't know how much formatting actually shows up for you generally--like does the copied email show up as purple and italisized for you�or am I really being a condescending, technological snot?, lol), but that�s when I just copy& paste it straight from there.

Next, I figure you don't know much if anything about the general phenomena. Online personal journals are actually quite the rage, particularly among us with various sorts and levels of fuckedupedness--much more interesting reads anyway than some boring normal folk ;) Any # of big sites solely dedicated to hosting them, some totally free, some exclusinvely for-fee. The site I use you can use for free, but for a reasonable amt, which I pay, you get a bunch of extra features.

It seems a pretty bizarre thing, even to me sometimes. Your life out there for potentially the entire world to see. Yet it oddly has this feel of being so completely anonymous, and definitely freeing. I mean I pretty much always use initials for names, places, any other identifying info (whether mine or anyone else's), or just edit it out altogether. The only time I really felt weirded out at all was some months ago when a D. 'friend' of S.'s was basically stalking her at the forums, "just happened" to come across my journal (puh-lease, she obviously knew who I was, had issue with me as was jealous of my relationship with S., and duh--my journal is linked in my signature at the forums) and emailed me from it. Yeah, the email link was quickly removed and has never been put back. Granted it was just for an anonymous web-based account, using some variation of the 'unquiet' moniker that I use for that whole part of my online life (i.e., definitely not my regular email), but still.

So paper journaling has obviously always been an outlet, and now this, plus the forums�of course, more and more, there is a whole lot of interchange between all of those and of course with my emails to you (and D.). In that sense, it also serves the practical purpose of giving me one place where I can put everything: my paper scribblings, any significant posts I might make on the forums, emails, as well as the journaling I do directly on the puter (which has, sort of sadly I guess, become so much more "natural" than pen + paper). So, like most everything really, let's face it, its all about/mostly for me, heh. And then it makes it easier for say S. to know exactly whats up--when she has computer access that is :-(--without me having to spend a zillion years detailing it all; for online acquaintances to follow me if they wish without me actually having to interact with anyone one-on-one, heheh; I also just recently gave J. the addy, as its just still real hard for me to talk to most 'real life' people as well.

___**Random (or esp. so)--Just went outside to smoke a few, had phone with me (some things related to that actually will be the subject of several paragraphs eventually�woohoo, can't wait, can ya?), mommom called (I actually call both grandmothers that, talking about mom's mom here, and recently too). And it's funny, she has long really annoyed me, reminded me of my father in a lot of ways, and I guess if I were to spend a long period of time with her, she certainly would still get on my nerves�But she seems to have definitely chilled out some in recent years, and when I just talked to her, and during the couple of times lately I've taken her shopping, I've actually had quite pleasant conversations with her. And I've kinda found I can relate to her in certain ways.

Like last week, we were talking about the big black-outs, and ya know she gets kind of melodramatic about such things, but while she made some comments in terms that I wouldn't use, the sentiments weren't so far off. Like "'God' is trying to tell us something." and somehow related to the convo was stuff she'd seen in the news about a few cases of child abuse, I forget exactly what she said�but like, it wasn't so different a perspective from my "people can really deeply suck, and if there is some larger force out there, we're all screwed."�

Now, just typing this, thought out of nowhere comes to me that the assumption is that said "larger force", or "God," or any conception humans have that I am aware of any higher power is that it is basically a benevolent one. Wouldn't it explain a whole hell of a lot about this wasteland if we've all been thoroughly completely duped, that really it is more or less "The Devil" who's in charge, that there is no benevolent force at all?? That'd be a hoot wouldn't it, heheheh...

And I have this vague recollection of the topic of suicide (I'm not at all morbidly fascinated, nooooo) somehow coming up at a family gathering a few years back. Most people were, as I guess most people are, pretty uncomfortable with even the idea, and I remember my mom specifically just being like, "No, that�s so selfish and there's no excuse," etc. And I don't think I was suicidal or even depressed at the time, but certainly I've always understood how someone could feel so desperate, could be in so much agony, to feel no other way, no other choice, but to just get out. I think my jaw dropped to the floor though when my grandmother said something to the effect that when my grandfather died and she was so depressed and left with 5 kids all by herself�that she indeed thought about it a lot, and that obviously she's glad she never went through with it, and surely that would have been a horrible thing to put her kids through, but (and kind of specifically addressing me now, being "the psych major" and all) when people are in that intense pain, and they don't see any hope, they don't want to hurt anyone else do they?, they often really think its better for everyone?, and its not really fair to judge because no one else can really know what any one else is experiencing. And I think I just nodded my head, and said yeah, in my opinion, that�s a pretty fair, insightful assessment.**___


9:25pm
Got distracted with stuff online, may or may not get back to the point before tomorrow. But of course, I gotta give you a gymn update :)

Copying from online journal from last night�
more wowsers from worlds.

US' Carly Patterson, first year as a senior, physically still looks about 12...just won the all-around silver. She's got this realll calm aura, like on beam its almost eerie, with a deeep Louisiana accent. But the string of successes, the near perfect presentation, it all makes me a little nervous FOR her, just because she's gotten a good bit of hype already, and likely will now get completely blitzed with it in the next year through to the Olympics...

Russia's 'Sveta' won her 3rd-now-I-think? World all-around title. I know everyone just drools over her, and certainly I appreciate her ability and style and all that. But I still like muscles and power better. Whatever, sure as hell can't knock a woman who is still sitting on top after a good decade of competing at this level.

On tv today was taped coverage of the men's team final. Nice to actually *see* Jason Gatson coming full circle and contributing some key routines, and Blaine Wilson realizing that finally he was gonna get his world medal that he's been trying so hard for and wanting so much all these years (Blaine's the 'old guy' on the team, heh), and just the whole team looking so awesome. Tomorrow the women's team final will on in the afternoon the women's all-around at night I think.

Tonight, I'm following online the first of 2 days of the event finals (then its all over--wahhhhh). And goddamn, the US just keeps racking them up. Paul Hamm grabs another gold on floor. No US women competing in the vault final, but "Chuso", one of my faves, won the title--oldest women in the competition, like late 20's, been around and winning medals *forever*, just *amazing*. THEN, 2 more american "women" (esp, following talking about Chuso, its seems a farce to call them that), tied for gold on bars! Holly Vise (club teammate of Carly Patterson, and ditto my statements regarding the look and I guess just hoping she's got the right people around her to deal with the only-intensifying pressure-cooker to come) and Chelsie Memmel, this kid who came out of *nowhere*, wasn't named to the team originally as even an alternate�all the way to world champ. Last event of the day, men's rings--crowd wasn't too thrilled apparently with my Jason G.'s score, no medal, but he was happy with his performance, which is, or certainly should be, the most important thing (not that the plethora of medals ain't nice, heheh); and basically same deal with Blaine.

So I realize, all of this probably overly-detailed gymn talk is not nearly as interesting to you as I, but I guess, its just that it�s the one thing, and amazingly still, that has always made me feel *alive* and *excited* and I just want to share it with you, with everyone. Dig it??

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And that was as far as I got...

Below was notes for myself about a topic I wanted to eventually get to and under that the Sarah McLachlan lyrics I overuse and had just made my email sig...

***Talked some emails back about your unresponsiveness as if you were the only one�who am I kidding? Story of my life? Status, including at TF and in a certain way with you, but still fucking invisible***


~~~~~

I feel just like I'm sinking
And I claw for solid ground
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
Oh darkness, I feel like letting go