// (desperately) searching (for your love) with words
| 09/30/2003 - 6:52 a.m. |

ok, well the majority of this email from yesterday is word-for-word portions of my last entry. i was working on them simultaneously basically, copy/pasting back and forth. but just because, am going to post it unedited.

email to C., Mon, 09-29-2003, 1:04am, Subject: significant news
Dear C.,

I do want to respond to your email, because as futile as it may seem to effectively communicate it to you, I honestly don't think your spin on current circumstances is particularly accurate or fair. And it deeply pains me to be so at odds with you...

At this particular moment however, I am feeling decidedly shitty physically, with all kinds of first-day-of-my-period cramps and nausea and a whole variety of other fun symptoms, and not so much in the space to delve into those things.

In the meantime, I still wanted to share the big news with you.
Which is this--
1. My father is moving out of the house he and my mother have both lived in for 26+ years...
2. ...and I am moving (back) in to said house.

In many ways, not exactly surprising�yet its still all of a �wow�just wow� nature.
On one hand, my parents' separation has been sooo loooong expected--or anticipated might be more accurate, as whether they ever technically would has, as you know, been until now, the question with no answer.
So it was still somehow sudden, and VERY bizarre in the way its happening--in that it was all within a few short hours that this solution to my problem of where the fuck I was going to live even came to my attention as a possibility and the decision being made, basically by ME, to put it all into motion.

Basically, at some point I guess they had actually like, communicated!! enough that there was mutual acknowledgement that it was only a matter of time before they did actually separate and eventually divorce. And there is even a basic verbal agreement that as they each have their own retirement funds/investments, that stuff will basically stay as is, but my mom will get the house and my father will take care of S.'s college. Probably the only reason that my father had not already moved out is my mom's current employment status.

[[Which right now remains the same, but the week-to-week situation she was in with the temp job seems to have resolved as the office finally got another big project, and now there is actually a good possibility that she will get another offer there for a permanent position, and if so, she anticipates that, while still significantly less than she used to make, it will be enough for her to accept it.]]

But apparently on Saturday morning, he made an offer (actually not for the first time my mom said) to move out, like asap basically, if I wanted to come live there.
When my mom picked me up early that afternoon, I thought we'd be apt-hunting for me as planned.
Then she relayed the above info to me.
It was quite a lot to take in obviously, and very initially the option of moving in with my mom was not the most attractive.
But as we talked, it really took very little time for me to go, 'you know, this really does make the most sense...let's do it.'
And it really DOES make the most sense and for ALL of us I think. Financially, practically, and emotionally too...
The logistics and all that will happen in the next few weeks won't be fun, and of course I have some concerns about such an arrangement...
but in my gut I really believe this is the right choice, and the one that gives me the best chance of ever getting my/a life back, of ever finding my SELF again.

Some other interesting details about how it all went down Sat., and clearly TONS more I could say, MUCH to still be thought about, lots still to come, etc.
But at least wanted to let you know the essentials...

And I am just sorta crossing my fingers that you'll be in my corner on this.

As I mentioned in the beginning, other important stuff I still want to address, and, quite related, an update on where the insurance stuff stands...

Still processing--
M.



and this one...i am just scared shitless about...

email to C., 6:32am, Subject: searching with words
**Before you begin to read...I know that at work especially you are lacking in much time or energy to very deeply read my emails, but what I am attempting to express here is really really important to me (and the result admittedly quite lengthy), and so I humbly request that you might find an appropriate time and place to give it thorough attention...**

~~~~~~~~~~

>>It is a tribute to your inability/unwillingness to deal with the reality of your situation...
...your passive response to the mess that you are making of your life.<<

Dear C.,

I begin here by quoting the segments above because I cannot emphasize enough that no one comprehends the reality of my situation, the depth of the mess I have made of my life, more than I. If I have/do/ever fail to communicate that absolute understanding, it is indeed a failure to communicate it, or yes perhaps some desperate attempt at distraction, but NOT a failure of awareness.

That knowledge is overwhelming and terrifying beyond words.
This inescapable reality, the awfulness of a mess, is MY LIFE.
It is EVERY CONCEIVABLE ASPECT of my VERY EXISTENCE that is at stake here.
Thus to actually *feel* the full magnitude of it all at once, I think is beyond human capacity to withstand.

And so I do, I must, expend a great amount of effort in defending against such a lethal blow.
And I understand that from an outside perspective, it appears without question probably, as "inability/unwillingness to deal" and a "passive response" beyond "patience and understanding."

All I can say to you is to ask, both as humbly and from the depths of my heart as I can, that you please please please *genuinely* LISTEN to me, and please believe what I am trying to tell you here because it is as true as anything can be. And of course, for myself, I can only hope that I am finding the right words to accurately express just what it is I am trying to.


Now, in the grand scheme of things, they are relatively minor, but before I expound any further on the above, I do want to respond to the specifics of your last email.

>>The status of your living situation is hardly a surprise--it is amazing to me that your aunt put up for it as long as she did. It is a tribute to your inability/unwillingness to deal with the reality of your situation that you did not see it coming.<<

The ouch factor aside...certainly I knew that the current arrangement could not feasibly continue long-term. But, well, I am just going to copy a portion of my journaling from a few hours ago (the entirety of which will surely find its way tacked on to the bottom of this email) and leave it at that:
__[[Anyway, after we let her know what was going on with that, J. basically apologized for what had happened early in the week, said she too was/is on the verge of a nervous breakdown (goddamn, we are an unstable bunch!!), and for the most part it was things nothing to do with me that had her so stressed out and resulted in her essentially snapping as she did. It is clear to everyone really that she would not be able to deal with living with *anyone* right now, but it is sharing space with a smoker that she says is the real problem. Fair enough�But at least until I am able to move in to my mom�s house, my aunt and I should be able to manage.]]__

>>You are eligible for MA. I don't understand why you don't go to Bt. or, if you are unwilling, why your mother does not 302 you. Scratch that, I do understand why you do not go to Bt. and why your mother does not commit you<<

Ummmm. Honestly, this seems, I don't know the right wording really, sort of out-of-touch with current circumstances.

[[I really don't want to get into anything my mother is or is not doing, it gets me all sorts of non-constructively defensive...
And the whole "302" thing, I know we will never see eye-to-eye here. While I can't really comprehend how you could know me as you do, and use that godforesaken # in any context as something that any good could possibly come out of (*a few deep calming breaths*)...the fact is that even from a not-at-all-personal-to-me perspective, my philosophical/ethical conception of the issue pretty much puts us at directly opposing positions. Well, stubbornly opinionated as I am ;), I wish it were otherwise, but ya know, ok fine...and not a good time for me to delve into it to even this small extent probably, heh.]]

Whether or not I am eligible for MA is moot as far as I can see. I AM eligible for my Blue Cross/Shield coverage to be retroactively reinstated and continued.
Yes, it is a process, and yes, that process is dragging. But we are continuing to work on it. It wouldn't seem possible, or at least makes no sense to me, to demonstrate my independence or whatever that would qualify me for MA, while simultaneously claiming with the petition to BC/BS that my 'disability' renders me incapable of such. It is also *essential* that this petition get approved if I am to be able to get insurance coverage in the near-future that will actually cover my treatment--my mom's cobra will be ending quite soon, and if my coverage is not reinstated, and the lapse stands, then she will be unable to get me my own policy that doesn't deem my various "conditions" "pre-existing" and unilaterally deny coverage of them for a significant period of time (1 year, maybe 2, don't know the specific guideline).
And both securing coverage to allow me to get treatment as soon as possible AND as needed in the foreseeable future are our goals.

>>...and I don't want any part of this craziness.
When you are ready to get help, please contact me and I will be as helpful as I can.<<

And YES, the prospect of the treatment that I need scares the crap out of me, and I would certainly not try to claim I am not resistant to it...but C., I DO know that I need treatment, and I DO WANT HELP.
And if you don't/won't believe that, if you can't/won't accept that the way you think it should happen, is not the only valid one, well I obviously can't make you.
I can't MAKE you believe that *I* might actually know what would be right FOR ME, I can't MAKE you acknowledge that I know myself well enough and do indeed grasp the gravity of my situation to be capable of knowing what would and would NOT be *genuinely* helpful FOR ME in the short- and long-run both.

You recently said to me:
>>"If I did not have faith in your capacity to do the right thing by yourself, I would not have been so disappointed and angry with you. I know what you are capable of-I've been there at your worst and I've seen you at your best."<<
And so I can only *ask* that you continue to find me worthy of a little bit of *trust* that I will indeed do the right thing by ME.

For the record, I do acknowledge and understand your obvious frustration in regards to the time frame of anything actually HAPPENING, and that it must appear as damning evidence of my passivity.
My response is that it took some period of time for things to deteriorate this badly, and it is going to take a good long time, and a tremendous amount of effort to find my way back to health and a meaningful life. *I need to do it on my terms*, because it is *only* on one's own terms that anyone has any shot at meeting such a challenge. And well, I have always been a slooooowww starter, always needing to do all sorts of background/preliminary mental just-stuff-not-so-describable...but once I start moving in the conventional-visible way, there ain't no stopping me...Ok, that metaphor is likely to make sense only to me, but my point is--if you can possibly find some hidden reserve of patience somewhere, and stick with me here...somehow, someway, I AM going to find my way back. Make that *forward*.

And nearly as intense as the fight I know am facing is my desire (what feels like an absolute need) for you to be RightThereNextToMe in it.
I have already used the word "humbly" a few times in this email, and really I could insert it into nearly every statement I am making.
Because that is the best way I can think to describe the place from which I am speaking.
You never asked or even 'consented' to hold the place in my heart that you do, for your presence in my life to be so fundamental to it.
And I know it scares the shit out of *me*, and infinitely more even as the intensity of your importance to me drifts father beyond rational conception...

And I know it is not fair.
And I know the unspoken-but-clearly-present implication that you bear some great responsibility for me has NO basis in truth.

And yet I continue to ask you for support and help and time and understanding and love and affection and so much more than I have any right to.

And I humbly wish with all my might that I am worth your willingly expending any of it...


Um, a few odds and ends:
--Where things currently stand with the insurance stuff: I believe I had told you that my mom got a letter stating that approval was pending and vaguely requested further documentation. Well, she was finally able to get an answer as to what they wanted. One is a medical/treatment history and it is sufficient that it be from us--I had already put together something fairly comprehensive (the mental "health" history I wrote up for McR. and I think sent you a copy of) and with a few minor adjustments that should cover it. The other info it sounds like Diane would be the best source for, my mom is going to call me with the specifics tomorrow, and I will then email Diane.

--As I mentioned earlier, did some more writing about the "significant news." My processing "process" is still on a very surface level, my journaling mostly just documenting of little details, but one step at a time I guess. Anyways, copying it down at the end as easily predicted ;)
And of course curious as to your thoughts/reaction.

Well, I shall try and wrap up now. Right now simultaneously feeling a--like there is so much more I could/*should* write [as if more words would do the trick, keep adding quantity and the exact right quality, of what I wish for you to understand here and how I hope for you to respond, will result] and b--pretty much overwhelmed by all I have written and the experience of doing so and the fear that its not right or enough or deserving of the attention I initially asked that you give it...nor any depth of response that I again can only make a respectful request for.

Regardless, here it is, here I am. And I send it off to you...

M.

~~~~~~~~~~


09-29-03, 5pm
Some of the �other interesting details�:

--My mom and I actually went to the E.P. library, where my father was working Saturday afternoon, to tell him in person. I'm really not sure why my mom felt it was so important to inform him of this *right away*, why it couldn't wait till say that evening when they both returned to the house, a much more appropriate location I would think than his *workplace*, and had open-ended time to discuss it...but perhaps the latter is exactly why she didn't want to wait?? (heh)

Anyways, we both went in, and all 3 of us went back into the staff room, and my mom said, �there is no easy way to say this, but��and told him. And quickly said, she didn�t know if he had any plan in mind, but she would be �happy� to aid him in finding an apt (and look, here are a few we were going to look at for M. that might be good for you too, and do you want me to go ahead and look at them for you, and let you know and and and�just very nervously trying to distract them both I think, by jumping right to logistics, from the obviously completely-life-altering words that had just been spoken) and do whatever she could to help him get settled and just anything to help in this transition, to lessen the difficulty of it to whatever extent possible.

And he was just like, uhhh, well obviously we�ll have to discuss it all later, and he kind of wished she had just told him over the phone (again, imho, not the best way either, but just more evidence of the extent to which they both seek to avoid direct communication by any means they can). I don�t recall if I actually spoke at all, just witnessed the whole interaction which lasted *maybe* 5 minutes and was as awkward as one could possibly imagine.

God he looks like HELL, and the aura of pure misery that emanates from his being near suffocating. I did reach out and give him a hug before my mom and I left, it seemed the very least I could do�

--Until Saturday, Aunt C. was the only one that knew there had been any acknowledgment/discussion/whatever-you-want-to-call-it of separation, etc. And she was the first �other person� to be told what was happening as my mom and I called her that evening before returning to J.�s. Aunt J. was then the second to be told. Her and I had basically not spoken all week, but things are actually ok now. My mom for some reason thought she would be the family member most surprised by all of this, but of course she wasn�t really at all.

[[Anyway, after we let her know what was going on with that, J. basically apologized for what had happened early in the week, said she too was/is on the verge of a nervous breakdown (goddamn, we are an unstable bunch!!), and for the most part it was things nothing to do with me that had her so stressed out and resulted in her essentially snapping as she did. It is clear to everyone really that she would not be able to deal with living with *anyone* right now, but it is sharing space with a smoker that she says is the real problem. Fair enough�But at least until I am able to move in to my mom�s house, my aunt and I should be able to manage.]]

Now, as for how and when the rest of the family (and most importantly my brother!!!!) will be told, well my mom is NOT ready to deal with that, and I assume neither is my father. From my perspective, it is totally NOT acceptable to NOT figure it out and talk to S. ASAP, and it is beyond me how they think it possible to NOT let everyone else in for ANY length of time either. BUT, its not really my business, my problem/issue, etc�so just *shrug*


--Goddamn, that house is a MESS. There is an insane amount of SERIOUS CLUTTER to be attacked, packed, trashed, etc. in a real short period of time�

--�And this most definitely includes the �rec room� (this is below the main level of the house, but not technically a basement) where, by my request, it�s been determined will become my primary space. This is very important to me for 2 big reasons:

1. Dealing with my memories and history in the house is something I will have no choice but to figure out. However, right now at least, I don�t feel like it will be so much of an issue. It would be much more difficult though if I were to move into my �old room.� That would be just plain stupid really.

2. It will give me more of a sense of having my own separate space. Not that there would be much reason for me to use it, but I will have a separate/private entrance. No shower/bath down there, but there is at least a � bathroom that will be just mine. And basically, it�s a good sized space where I will be able to have all my stuff, should be able even to sort of section-off a sleeping area, living area, etc.

Very important to note I think that my mom and I HAVE already discussed the issue of �space� beyond the purely physical. And believe it or not I think she gets it. Actually I think it will be *easier* for the both of us to maintain a health-y (-er) level of psychological space while sharing living quarters. Obviously there is no guarantee, only time and actuality will tell, but I think we can really make this work, and it will be the best sort of safe foundation for us *both* to genuinely �heal.�

--Since Saturday, the only additional info I have is that my father wants to put �things� (this current agreement I guess?) in writing. And that my mom is like, ok whatever, why don�t you just go ahead and do so, as she sees no reason/has no desire to hire a lawyer at this junction. I would assume that will certainly be a necessity at some point, but yeah, probably not right now�

Beyond that, I definitely don�t know how all this is going to progress, in what time frame exactly, what to expect, etc. As it begins to sink in, so does my anxiety rise, but all I can do really is take things as they come�

Still �wow� though, eh??
Yeah�����