// opening pandora's box
| 11/29/2005 - 4:55 p.m. |

mon, 11-28-05, 2:37pm
(pre-pat notes)

ugh.
a full week has passed, and now i have to, like, face her again.
i should have written before now but, well, i didn't. so whatever.

it started off w/ a seemingly innocent enough question--what about you would surprise me?
it ended some interminable amt of time later w/ me telling her the "secret"--unquiet is a spanko. er, yup.

ok, so i didn't quite say it like that. what she dragged out of me was the specifics of my "classified" trip to nyc last november. she was on to the general theme, and it had just gotten ridiculous. ok, FINE, might as well now. "...so, i uh, met up w/ some people from a, uh, forum...about...uh..." *me struggling to choke the words out* "...about, uh...spanking."

i couldn't look at her. i seriously had a pillowing covering my face the entire time. before, during, after.
now its a week later, and i'm re-freaking out, anxious as hell, and still pissed.

pissed at me b/c i totally set myself up w/ my initial response to the question. pissed at her b/c i feel like she forced it out of me. she just wouldn't give up. cajoling, guilting almost, guessing. coercing is what it felt like.

at some moments since, i've thought, 'so what, not really such a big fucking deal.' at others...HOLY SHIT!! and i can't take it back! hellooooo pandora's box!!!!

it's a whole other thing about why it IS a big deal to me. esp. to tell my fucking therapist about it. just--ew, kill me now. and...i don't have the time to get into it now...and, and, and...

my stomach hurts.



5:39pm (@ school)
What I wrote earlier is pretty disjointed [less so after 'transcription'] I realize. Don't expect this to be much better.

I'm even more pissed @ her now I think, but its as much as stuff in previous weeks as this debacle. I didn't say as much naturally--just gave the door a nice passive-aggressive slam on my way out.

Overall, it was predictably horrid--still poking and prodding, and then playing innocent about it.
saying *words* and voicing *questions* (yeah, SO not going there.) that made me CRINGE. Just...squicky or something.

I had told of my original pissiness towards her about pushing so hard. And she's like, well, you know, I had told you I felt like I was being too cautious w/ you recently.
Oh, so you pick THIS, NOW, to compensate for it?! Well, fuck you very much.

...B/c I had agreed w/ her on this a few weeks ago. But, um, I thought we were talking about the C. stuff?? Which still feels like its been dropped or something. And yeah, the little work we did do was wicked hard for me, and I hated it.

...But I had also been so clear I felt in that email, in a way that is not at ALL typical of me, about knowing what I needed to do, that I needed to talk about all of it, all aspects. I brought in those 2 additional journals after the 1st and they remain untouched. And...
--Gah, will finish later. Have to go to class...



tue, 11-29-05, 4:47pm
...I don't remember now where I was going w/ all that yesterday. I just know it all seems fucked up. And now, I just don't want to talk about *anything*. Maybe that was my point? Who knows. I hate this shit.