// an uncomfortable state of mind...
| 04/15/2003 - 3:09 p.m. |

email to d. last night:
Talking to s. right now, actually *talking* about it, not sure why but wanting to share the convo with you...



[20:13] s: hey

[20:13] *** Auto-response sent to s: It is hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head.

[20:14] me: hey, i was hoping you would come back

[20:14] s: oh yeah?

[20:14] me: i dunno, i'm in an angsty mood, don't know what to do with myself

[20:14] s: :-*

[20:15] s: whatcha feelin/thinkin?

[20:16] me: just feeling bad, sad, anxious, scared, a whole jumble of things...

[20:16] me: have you read 'slim to none'?

[20:16] s: (((m.))))

[20:16] s: sounds familiar..

[20:16] s: e.d. book?

[20:16] me: its a fairly new book. yeah.

[20:16] s: they get all jumbled in my head

[20:17] s: are you reading it?

[20:17] me: its the journals of this girl, jennifer hendricks, who died, and the rest of the story is filled in by her father

[20:17] s: oh i haven't read it, but ive read reviews about it or heard people talk about it..its pretty upsetting?

[20:17] me: i'm almost done, only a few pages left, she's almost dead...i think its the hardest book to read ever

[20:18] s: oh, m....eek.

[20:18] s: why? what does it have you thinking about?

[20:18] me: i dunno what else is going on with me, but that is definitely affecting me.

[20:19] s: is it a challenging/motivating way or a triggering/"wasted" way of affecting you..(not that you can tell, but is there a difference?)

[20:19] me: its just so heartbreaking, and so angering, and i dunno, i just FEEL her so much

[20:19] s: ohh..hon..

[20:21] s: *hugs*

[20:21] me: ugh

[20:21] me: thanks

[20:21] s: why 'feel her'? what do you mean by that?

[20:22] s: like what is it making you want to do--when you said you felt 'edgy' or angsty

[20:23] me: i guess i identify so much with her despair, her conflicting desires to both die and genuinely LIVE...

[20:23] me: i don't know, i don't know what i want to do right now, i just have that 'cant deal with being in my own skin' feeling

[20:24] s: i hear ya

[20:25] s: imho i think you should express it somehow

[20:25] s: either write

[20:25] s: or walk

[20:25] s: or deal with it--explore it

[20:25] s: it seems like you are about to cross over, m.

[20:26] s: i don't know why

[20:26] me: cross over?

[20:26] s: like in a positive way i mean

[20:26] s: lately you have been so volatile

[20:26] s: even in terms of e.d. behavior

[20:26] s: which is interesting

[20:26] s: and i think good

[20:27] s: at least you aren't feeling NOTHING like you were for so long

[20:27] s: at least there is some swing

[20:27] s: you know?

[20:28] s: in mood

[20:28] me: hmm, d. was saying today how the b/p is metaphorically speaking, sort of an improvement, more 'active'

[20:28] s: it kinda is i think so

[20:28] s: kinda like breaking out of the shell

[20:29] s: there is so much fuckintg emotion/rage/sadness and shit that you just haven't BEEN FEELING

[20:29] s: that the b/p is at least a metaphor or allows to feel more, you know?

[20:29] s: and it does release endorphins

[20:29] s: heh

[20:30] me: yeah

[20:30] s: i obviously can't speak for you

[20:30] s: but just from over the past few months

[20:30] s: like before you went to ph.

[20:30] s: there is something in you that wants to change/break free

[20:30] s: but its hard

[20:30] s: you are sick of this shit

[20:30] s: who wouldn't be?

[20:31] s: yet its what you know and you are sick

[20:31] s: not just like one day you can decide, okay im ready-fuck it

[20:32] me: i know. overall, i've been feeling more hopeful (binging/'taking in') but i'm so fucking scared to let myself hope (purging/'rejecting it')

[20:32] s: but i think you have been really making strides--however small..and it goes both ways. i think sometimes we feel so much shit when things are about to BREAK. could go either way (positive/neg) and that is up to you.

[20:33] s: i dig it:)

[20:33] s: its what you know

[20:33] s: its what i know

[20:33] s: its what we have to cope

[20:33] s: and its EASIER



d.'s reply:
M.
Thanks for letting me in on your conversation with S. I was touched by it and it was also helpful to know what's going on with you. I have that same feeling she describes -- something is going on for you now that's different. Let's really work hard together on it all. Would you like me to read the book when you're done? Sounds like it might be a good thing for me to read and us to talk about. Anyway, you're on my mind.
D.