// questions w/o answers
| 05/23/2003 - 12:22 p.m. |

grappling with some same old disconcerting questions:
what the fuck am i going to do?
what am i able to do?
what am i willing to do?
why am i so damn resistant to doing anything to help myself?

i used to be such a 'fighter', i worked so damn hard before to get better, to overcome my 'demons', to build and re-build a (better) life for myself.

and now...who the fuck AM i? passive and lazy and whiny and complacent and apathetic. i am in such intense pain all the fucking time, and have been for so ridiculously long. and all i want is to feel better dammit. right? i feel so paralyzed to do anything. but what is that? truth or excuse?

i always took such pride in my 'work ethic', whatever the arena. and others' respect for that, esp. those i most care about, mattered immensely. my aunt c. for example...and of course c. :( :( :(

now there are people who have only known me recently, tf-ers, j. and other cspp people...d.--only known me as this self-absorbed (ok, thats not new), brain-dead, immovable fuck-up. i can say i haven't always been like this, but 'seeing is believing.' and whats to say this pathetic version isn't the 'real' me??

um, what was my point? was i going somewhere with this? i forget now. oh well, i lost a pound today and my soaps are on

ps--hadn't written to c. since before my trip east or heard from her for even longer, but finally sent a blahblahblah email last night, and just now got a reply:

M.,
Lots happening here and I am on the run. Didn't want to leave you hanging. Let's catch-up when I get back from the holiday weekend.
Take care,
C.

*wistful sighs and a tight hold on my tweety*